You have a right to your feelings, each and every one of them. And remember, feelings are just that: feelings. They are NOT character traits. Feelings are just energy. Don't suppress or bury them. Allow yourself to feel WHATEVER you are feeling.

She's 12. She is in pain. Her talking to her father is not a betrayal. I raised a daughter through her teenage years and you are in for a rollercoaster ride. She is going to resent the parent she lives with because it is a natural aspect of our human evolution. The other parent who is a lot less in "her business' is going to look like a refuge. And then she has a natural love for her father. Like it or not, you are going to have to share her. Much of the pain and drama that you have in your head toward her father, she does not have. You have to just love her and accept her desire to interact with her dad . . . and brace your self for the oncoming storm of the teens.

I understand you're pain and frustration... I have a 13yo who lives with me, but "plays" off between myself and his father. It is not betrayal... at least I don't feel that it is. He also has right to his emotions, and should not be expected to not speak to one parent or the other. However... I also do not speak to him about my "grown-up" issues of what goes on between myself and his father either. It is not fair to do that to him or any child. It puts the child in a very awkward situation (in the middle so to speak). If a child is presented with "grown-up issues," how is he or she supposed to respond or even process the information? He or she can't, and should not be expected to do so. BOTH parents should not speak ill of each other to a child (granted I know it happens a lot) - if one parent (or both) are at fault for whatever, the child will come to that realization when he or she is an adult/older. For now, let the kids be kids. They will vent, deceive, be dramatic, be defiant, etc... But they will also still be the loving person you raised. Hug on them, let them know how much you care and are there to listen - be there as a mom, but not necessarily as a "friend (I say this softly)." Both parties are responsible for the child's welfare... WE (here in the forum) are here to support you, listen, offer advice for the "grown-up" issues :)

thanks to all who responded - you all are totally right - 1) she's venturing into that "I know more then my parents" and "they just don't get me" attitude of being a teenager. And for almost 13 years, she had been my one and only go to person - he wasn't there and he blocked me from those who would be. Not that I talked to her about our personal issues - I just didn't hide them very well. Not when he was walking in the house at 4:30am after being at a bar drinking all night. The arguement would start and not end. She would hear everything. For that I am regretfully sorry. there is nothing I can do to change the past - I can only go forward. So I limit my conversations with her father - especially in front of her. However, about 1 year ago, she started to pull away from me. I guess as all children do - so I feel that I have not only lost my marriage, but now I'm losing my daughter. She doesn't want to be with him, but she locks her self in her room all night and barely speaks to me. I try getting her to play games or just sit and talk, but nothing is really working. I fear I may have ruined the closeness that we had. OH my how do I repair all the damage I have done?

I understand how you feel. I have a 12 year old too. It's probably one of the worst ages for a child to have to live through divorce. I mean it's bad at any age but during this time because they are just dipping their feet into that in-between stage of wanting grown up responsibilities but still having a child's mind.

Somehow you have to separate your insecurities/trust issues/pain about your X from your relationship with your daughter. Kids pit their parents against each other at this age whether they're married or divorced. Manipulating others (power/control) is part of this wacko stage. (I also taught middle school for 4 years btw).

It's not easy, but try to erase the word "betrayal" from your vocabulary when dealing with your child. And don't use the word "loyalty" either with her. These are foreign concepts for a lot of children her age. Not to mention that 12 YOs can have 100% understanding of this one moment and be completely bonkers the next. Think about how they quickly and easily teen/tween cliques can turn on one member of the group and ostricize her.

A good rule of thumb is that if you want to keep something private between you and her, don't even tell her in the first place. You kind of have to expect that this age group cannot keep secrets. It's just too much of a burden for them to bear. Hugs!

Well cmshin,
I haven't read the responses, yet, so I'll just get to the chase.

Just recently I've been made aware that alot of people do get anxious and paranoid after betrayal. Just wondering if you might be experiencing this, and the trust factor has transcended the boundary from your H to your daughter.

Have you considered taking her to counseling, and the two of you attend to address these very real issues?

Also at age 11 and 12 they do start becoming way more independent. Also a teacher for 32 years, has taught me, that they do count on their friends more, and their friends tend to be a bigger influence than their parents.

For sure, don't talk to her about adult issues, she is not your girlfriend. Refrain at all costs, even if she's been privy to most of it! Do not make her take sides, totally unfair. She is supposed to be able to continue loving both parents. She is not the one getting divorced, or responsible for infidelity. She will always love her Dad, and if you start to pressure her, to hold back, it will only backfire, as Dr. PHil says.

Let her be her loving self, with both parents. That is really your job, and the best you can do for her! She needs love from the both of you right now! Try to avoid the dramatics, of telling her you want to send her to live with her Dad, when she disagrees withyou, as this conversation should never have occurred in the first place.

Time to pull up your big girl panties. Compartmentalize your feeling for cheating H, and totally separate any of those feelings for her. Do not project all your disappointments, and expect her to be your confidant, cheerleader, counselor, arbitrator, or mediator. Totally not cool, cuz then you are forcing her into the adult role, and trying to have her be your emotional caretaker.

Now, is time to put your feelings aside about your H, when y ou deal with her, she is a totally separate entity. Please don't give up on her, even if she is a typical teenager, and does or says stupid stuff. She's only 12, that's what kids do at that age.

If you see her trying to manipulate the situation, cuz most parents do things out of guilt, when they divorce....
Just call her on it, and tell her "That's not going to work". And remind her your relationship with her is your relationship, and her's with her dad is theirs. Separate, separate, or you could be setting her up for failure.

A lot of 12 year olds are smoking cigs, joints, drinking, and having sex. If she gets lost in the divorce shuffle or the emotional shuffle, she could easily fall into the wrong crowd, for approval and love (which she may perceive she's not getting due to the divorce drama), and fall prey to those abovementioned activities.

Please think about her future, and be as mature as you possobly can, cuz you are her mother, not she is yours!

Cmshinn, we always love our children, but sometimes we just don't like them due to their behavior. Tweenies going through puberty and for some reason mothers automatically become their enemy; believe me, dealing with it, LOL. However, there is another side of this, she's hurting as well; you don't know what type of bullshit her father is feeding her that's affecting her mentally. My ex attempted to do the same with our daughter, except I told her in advance whenever he tells you his version of why we are divorcing to please come and talk with me and I will deal honestly with her. I never lied to her. I even told her why I married him in the first place and the reason for the divorce. At first, she was confused because she wanted to remain loyal to both parents and keep peace; and sometimes money talks to children, and he was definitely trying to buy her love. However, over time, she got to see how full of shit he truly was and now even she doesn't want to deal with him, because he's a pathological liar who attempts to use manipulation to get people to let him have his way, including his daughter. She saw this when we moved away and how suddenly unreliable he became.

As the daughter in a similar situation, I may be able to add a different perspective. When I was about 11, my parents separated for the last time. Their relationship had been very on and off since I was a young child. I was in a lot of pain and didn't know what to expect. While I lived with my mom and my little brother, I would still see my dad on the weekends. It seemed like every time I saw him, he would complain about my mother and try to turn her against me. I was missing his presence so much, and wanted a relationship with him, so I convinced myself to agree with everything he was saying about my mom. Our relationship was quite strained for a couple years. It definitely caused my mom a lot of depression, along with feelings of hurt and betrayal. When I started to get a little older, I realized how my dad had just been manipulating me, and I now have a much better relationship with my mom than I do with my dad.

Im dealing with this with both my girls too (19 and 14)

They are daddy's girls and my oldest is seeing this as her ticket to freedom. She plans on living with him because he doesn't parent or discipline. The youngest is showering him with attention in an attempt to get him to stay.

Its sad and frustrating but I keep telling myself that when this is all done we can start to heal and rebuilt. I know it wont be long before they see him for what he really is and get frustrated with his actions. I've sheltered them for so long they have no clue. Dad will show his irresponsible lazy ways and they will come screaming back to me for stability.

It just sucks in the meantime. :(

I agree with haley... Kids get put in teh middle and parents try to force them to chose, which is totally WRONG.

My dad bailed when I was 4 or 5 and then magically reappeared when I was 9 after he had gotten out of the Navy and remarried. When he started doing the alternate weekend thing with us, he always tried to be the "fun" parent, the buddy, and wanted to hear all about our gripes against my mom and her new husband (who was a bad person). I didn't quite realize at that point what was going on.

After my dad got divorced and remarried to the chick he was cheating on my first step-mom with, that woman convinced my dad that he was in our (me and my two brothers) good graces enough to get us to tell the Court that we wanted to live with him. My one brother did, me and the other brother did not. They sat us down in their living room with a tape recorder and asked us questions and taped our answers and tried to use that to get custody of all three of us.

I was 13 and the judge called me in to Court and asked me about the tape and how it went down. Their attorney tried to get me to lie, to say that the tape was unsolicited and that we were just talking; that the step-mom hadn't been grilling us with questions. I didn't lie. They lost the case.

The next time I was over at their house for the weekend, my second step-mom cornered me and told me what a horrible person I was and how I wasn't allowed to talk to her and how she didn't want me there. I hated my second step-mom for a long time after that. Years later, the truth came out... the only reason they had pushed for custody was because my second step-mom hated that my dad had to pay child support for us.

No child should be put in the position of having to choose between their parents. That behavior is the best way for you to alienate your daughter.

ALL kids try to play their parents off each other....ALL kids. Divorced, not divorced, whatever. It's a given. If you play into it, you'll give her adult power that she shouldn't have.

Don't tell her anything that you don't want her father to know. My kids would walk in the door from their dad's and not even have their coats off before they were reporting everything that he'd told them not to tell me. I've often thought my ex would have a better chance of keeping our kids quiet if he'd Told them to tell me. Then they'd probably forget in 30 sec.

Children love both parents(unless the parent isn't much of a parent). They shouldn't have to chose-or take sides.

Take the high road. Don't say anything to your daughter that you don't want her father to hear or know.

Children don't remain children for long. They grow up and see the full picture on their own-with out any influence from you. You will be held in higher esteem than the parent that makes a point of bashing the other parent.

I always held my tongue to my daughter about her father-she figured it out all on her own. She has very little to do with her father these days-that's all on him.

Sending you support!

This a hard line to walk. While my children don't have much to do with their father (their choice), I have not told them to not tell me anything he says, even though it hurts sometimes, because I feel that by talking about it it's helping them to sort out their feelings. They've got his number, but sometimes they still get upset by things he says, so I think it's good that they feel they can talk to me about it. It sure is hard, but I am trying to take the high road. I've explained to them that he is who he is, and he's not going to change. So they have to accept him for who he is and only spend as much time with him as they are comfortable with. They're 16 and 21. When they ask me questions about our separation I try to be truthful without giving them too much detail. They were not made to live with me, and when my son threatened to go live with his father because he didn't like the rules of the house, I told him he was free to, that I didn't make him move with me and he was welcome to live with his father if that's what he wanted. I said it calmly, and he never threw that in my face again! Nothing like an occasional visit with dear old dad to snap them back to reality!