Every day is a rollercoaster. One minute I feel alright, somewhat excited to have my life to myself again. But then the next minute, something reminds me of him and I start to miss him. It isn't that agonizing pain that takes your breath away, as that is over, but it's the empty pain that isn't always easier. I wake up every morning, wishing that I were lying next to him...and then the realization hits me all over again, of how much he lied and took advantage of me.

I know on my last post, I included a bunch of details, and people basically told me that he is a player, to move on, focus on myself. It's what my friends and family and therapist tell me too. However, I keep remembering how, when my ex came back into my life after we split the first time, things were good for a very short period but never truly good because he hadn't given us a real chance to work, and he expected me to be as I were before he lied to me and dumped me the first time. I don't think he understood how much pain he had actually caused me when he left me. We had moved in together when he came back but I couldn't trust him, I was always afraid he was going to lie to me again, as easily as he had before. We worked on trust but he was never totally honest. And I have to admit, I had sunk my claws into him and he didn't really have a life for awhile because I felt like we needed transparency, knowing where each other is at all times, and consistency, in order to build trust. I knew that needing to know these things all the time, wouldn't last forever, just in order to build trust so that we could function somewhat like a "normal" couple who didn't have the baggage we had. 

I know he tried his best, and I tried mine. But ultimately, I feel like he valued his freedom way more, at least in the end, when he began to want to do things that he hadn't wanted to do in awhile, like go to clubs and getting wasted. I think what pushed him to that point was the arguing as well. We had a lot of heated arguments, mostly from my own doing, about things he had done or just did...or just me angry about him and taking out my anger on him. I know that will push people away, I've done it before, I know. But I felt like I hated him in those moments, I wanted him to feel even a little bit of the pain that he had caused me, and continued to cause me by lying and then justifying his lies, even if he did include an apology. I felt humiliated and used, how all his friends and family knew he had cheated on me and I wasn't comfortable being around any of them, and I wanted him to feel my pain, because I never truly felt like he understood.

We had gotten to a point, about a month or so before he dumped me the last time, where we seemed happier and were stable enough for him to go hang out with friends and family on his own, because I wanted to trust him. And I never wanted a relationship where there isn't trust, where we have to tell each other anytime we go somewhere, where we have to be paranoid about what's on the other person's phone, where we have to be around each other every minute of the day....

Basically, I'm feeling guilty for pushing him away. I'm feeling guilty for giving him a reason to leave me. Yes, I know he did a lot of awful things, but I'm talking about my part in it. I feel guilty for my part, because I feel that I was the one who caused his feelings to change for me, because I gave him reasons to want to leave. There were moments when he was real and I knew he wasn't being fake. He always told me that he was afraid that once I realize my own worth and how beautiful I am, that I will leave him for someone better. I know he meant that. I always wondered what he meant by that though, why he would feel that he wasn't enough. Then he's said before that he always felt like whomever he was dating would figure him out and leave him. I feel like that's a deepseated issue of his and I never understood it. I know it doesn't matter now, please don't tell me that again. But I miss those moments when he was real. He reassured me all the time, he was always there when I felt down and was hurting, he was supportive of me in so many ways, and I'm not just saying that. I miss that. I miss the person who he was before he decided he wasn't in love with me anymore. The person who made me dinner, who bought me flowers, who moved me and my cat into his house although he had terrible cat allergies. I just feel like because of how broken I was because of all the things he did, that it was too much for him to deal with. I just felt that if he truly loved me, if his love was real, that we would make it through the tough times together.

I feel stupid for missing him but I also feel guilty for pushing him away. I feel like my arguing and intense anger at times made him fall out of love with me. I feel like I'm living in a dream right now, and have for the past month. I haven't been to work in 3 weeks, I may be in trouble at work, actually. I haven't gotten out of bed today and it's 4pm. I can't sleep until about 3am, and usually sleep until mid afternoon. This isn't me. I haven't acted this way in years. I feel like I'm literally falling apart. I can't bear the thought of him having moved on like I don't exist, already seeing another woman or women. I tried seeing someone else recently and it just makes me sad, I can't do it. I'm not ready, and it hurts me to think that he was ready to move on before he even dumped me. I just want to know that he's hurting, or he's sad, or he misses me, or better yet, that he regrets what he did to me. Part of me wants to go see him, to talk to him, to try to understand things better since we haven't seen each other in about one month. I know that's stupid, I just miss him. I want to move on, I know I should. 

Ok, my rant is over, and sorry if I sound all over the place right now. It's because I am. Please don't leave any rude or disrespectful comments. I'm not in any shape to deal with that right now.