Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
This is my first time doing anything like this. I usually pride myself on being a strong person. Yet, at the moment I am falling apart. I have read some of the entries on this site and peoples advice and knowlege seem to sooth the pain a little. So whithout further a do, this is my story.
I am currently deployed to Iraq and have been here for about 3 months now. I have been deployed before so I am used to the trials and tribulations that go along with being married and deployed. Or so I thought my last deployment and now this one. I have been married for just over 3 years now and I love my wife with everything I am. I have not been the best husband I must say. When we first got married I had a pretty bad drinking problem. Though my wife seemed to understand and was more than willing to help me over come. During our first year of marrige I would lie to her on occasion that after golfing or whatever I would hang out with my one friend. Except I would go over to my other buddies house and drink beer for a few hours then go home. She found out the few times I had done this and I openly admitted to my faults. We worked through it. My last deployment we almost separated because I thought I needed to take a few days and re-evaluate myself as a step father and a husband. My wife took this as me wanting to leave her. I fought tooth and nail to keep ahold of my wife and to not let our marrige fall apart. After I got home she came a week later and we worked through our issues. Since then I have lie a few times again about drinking and regret every time I did. We also worked through that. Now for where I am at today. I believe in marrige and what is all about. The truth to it if you will. I have made mistakes in my marrige, I have change evrything that I once was, good and bad, to ensure that my wife was happy and loved me. I have never been unfaithful to my wife and never will be. I love her to much and my step daughter to put them through something like that. I dont think I could live with myself if I did. Before I met my wife I was going to lose my rank due to me testing positive for drugs. (which I have never taken or done again) I chose not to tell her when we met because what girl would want to date a guy who is about to get in trouble for using drugs. I know I wouldnt. There was something about her that I knew I had to have. I fell in love with her the first time I heard her voice. I still feel the same way.
I recieved a email this week from a friend telling me that my wife asked him if he knew me before I got in trouble. And that my friends wife back home had decided that before they leave to germany that it would be best to tell my wife why I got in trouble. I have spent the last few years knowing that I needed to tell my wife, but I just couldnt figure out how to. So now my wife doesnt know if she loves or wants to be with me anymore. I know I have messed up and made some bad decissions in our marrige. I take blame for my failing marrige. Me and my wife are completely different people. She is very abrasive and I do everything I can to see the lighter side of things. She always seems to focus on the negative. She used to not be like that. My wife has a tendency to say things to me that are hurtfull and kind of evil. I feel that its not her its just her frustration with me. there is alot about me and my wife that Im willing to explain but, it could take a long time and I think I already might have dragged this all on. Its just that my heart feels broken that I might lose my wife and step daughter. I love them so so much, but when my wife tells me that I have been the one holding her back and its always been about me and that prior to our marrige she had plans to move out to her mothers and start over there. It all makes me wonder how long has she had these thoughts. Have I been fighting to keep my marrige alive all while loving a person that resents me for taking her away from her mother. I am utterly confused and I really dont know what to think anymore. I do blame myself for all of this even though I know I have been a wonderful husband aside the few mistakes I have made. Plus being deployed here in Iraq and not being able to talk to my wife face to face is devistating me every moment. I thank you for reading my message and I do feel a bit better getting some of this off my chest. But, I know the anxiety attacks will come in waves again. Please feel free to ask any questions or comment on this. I am truly falling apart and I dont know what to do. Any help will be a god send for sure.
Thank you all!
I am currently deployed to Iraq and have been here for about 3 months now. I have been deployed before so I am used to the trials and tribulations that go along with being married and deployed. Or so I thought my last deployment and now this one. I have been married for just over 3 years now and I love my wife with everything I am. I have not been the best husband I must say. When we first got married I had a pretty bad drinking problem. Though my wife seemed to understand and was more than willing to help me over come. During our first year of marrige I would lie to her on occasion that after golfing or whatever I would hang out with my one friend. Except I would go over to my other buddies house and drink beer for a few hours then go home. She found out the few times I had done this and I openly admitted to my faults. We worked through it. My last deployment we almost separated because I thought I needed to take a few days and re-evaluate myself as a step father and a husband. My wife took this as me wanting to leave her. I fought tooth and nail to keep ahold of my wife and to not let our marrige fall apart. After I got home she came a week later and we worked through our issues. Since then I have lie a few times again about drinking and regret every time I did. We also worked through that. Now for where I am at today. I believe in marrige and what is all about. The truth to it if you will. I have made mistakes in my marrige, I have change evrything that I once was, good and bad, to ensure that my wife was happy and loved me. I have never been unfaithful to my wife and never will be. I love her to much and my step daughter to put them through something like that. I dont think I could live with myself if I did. Before I met my wife I was going to lose my rank due to me testing positive for drugs. (which I have never taken or done again) I chose not to tell her when we met because what girl would want to date a guy who is about to get in trouble for using drugs. I know I wouldnt. There was something about her that I knew I had to have. I fell in love with her the first time I heard her voice. I still feel the same way.
I recieved a email this week from a friend telling me that my wife asked him if he knew me before I got in trouble. And that my friends wife back home had decided that before they leave to germany that it would be best to tell my wife why I got in trouble. I have spent the last few years knowing that I needed to tell my wife, but I just couldnt figure out how to. So now my wife doesnt know if she loves or wants to be with me anymore. I know I have messed up and made some bad decissions in our marrige. I take blame for my failing marrige. Me and my wife are completely different people. She is very abrasive and I do everything I can to see the lighter side of things. She always seems to focus on the negative. She used to not be like that. My wife has a tendency to say things to me that are hurtfull and kind of evil. I feel that its not her its just her frustration with me. there is alot about me and my wife that Im willing to explain but, it could take a long time and I think I already might have dragged this all on. Its just that my heart feels broken that I might lose my wife and step daughter. I love them so so much, but when my wife tells me that I have been the one holding her back and its always been about me and that prior to our marrige she had plans to move out to her mothers and start over there. It all makes me wonder how long has she had these thoughts. Have I been fighting to keep my marrige alive all while loving a person that resents me for taking her away from her mother. I am utterly confused and I really dont know what to think anymore. I do blame myself for all of this even though I know I have been a wonderful husband aside the few mistakes I have made. Plus being deployed here in Iraq and not being able to talk to my wife face to face is devistating me every moment. I thank you for reading my message and I do feel a bit better getting some of this off my chest. But, I know the anxiety attacks will come in waves again. Please feel free to ask any questions or comment on this. I am truly falling apart and I dont know what to do. Any help will be a god send for sure.
Thank you all!
How much longer is your deployment?
Military marriages and relationships come with their own special set of challenges, as you already know.
Im wishing you the best. Have you talked to the chaplain? Can you VTC together with your wife?
I can understand how you feel. And being deployed only adds to the problems. Have you talked to your chaplain or Family Services? Besides offering help they can help give you some perspective on the situation. They may also be able to get some counseling for you and your wife. This site is helpful but having a face to face is a lot better. Talk to your Top or your CO.
If you are having anxiety, go see the medics. You need to take care of yourself. We are here for you too. Keep posting and getting it out.
Her "anger" towards you because of decisions she made, sound like just that. She is angry because of the decisions she made to be so far away from home, that when you are deployed, she has no friends or family around. She seems reluctant to let go of her past life and whatever it you are supposedly stopping her from, and put all she can in to her new living enviroment and life she has started with you and her daughter 3 years ago.
I am sure it is hard on both of you, but it takes two to make something work, and if both aren't really going to be in it, it most likely will not be able to survive.
I can only imagine being so far away and not being able to deal with this face to face. Her hesistation or flat out refusal to even video chat with you, her husband that in another country, in harms way and doing what he is for his country, seems off to me. There may be more to her story then you are realizing.
What sucks the most is you do not need to deal with any uncertaintu of your life back home. You need to focus on the mission you are dealing with so to complete it and make it home safely; for you and your unit. So with having to be distracted is not a good position be in and for her to put you in that position seems down right selfish.
I wish you peace of mind, paitence to deal with what comes your way whether from down range or back home.
Stay strong, as much as you can. Continue to talk about it, get support as you can, and stay in the present as best you can.
I am sorry you are in this position, really.
My wife is actually still at our home in TN. I dont blame my wife for the emotions that I am going through right now. I blame myself for alot that has gone wrong. Deffinitely the mistakes I have made. The thing that hurts the most is the things she says to me. It makes me feel that for a long time she has been somewhere else mentally. She continues to blame me for every wrong in our relationship. Even though she knows she has faults too. I am more than willing to do whatever it takes to fix our marrige and get back to where we once were. The things she says, tells me that she doesnt want to try or is just waiting till she can figure out how to get out of the marrige. It might just be me but, when I have a bad day here and I tell my wife it sucks and I wish I had a different military job she always replied with " Your the one that chose it." I never said anything back to her about it cause I knew she would get upset so I just let it go. Until the day before all this started I felt something was wrong and was talking through skype to my wife and told her that I know she is stressed out at home with all thats going on and that when she is stressed, even though Im over here, it affects me as well and that I wish I could be home to help her. She replied that she doesnt like it when I call and bitch about my job all the time and she doesnt want to hear it. I worry when she is having a tough time and is all stressed out. I always thought that when people are in love and one is stressed or upset that the other person feels those effects too. That they should help eachother get through the tough times. It just seems that she is shutting me out completely.