Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
So with the big weekend looming where she's going to be spending Friday until Sunday with him. She leaves tomorrow right after I get home from work. I will have the kids all weekend long. Which is fine, and will hopefully keep my mind off the fact that another man will be pleasuring my wife and she him. They will be intertwined in lovemaking while she screams out his name saying "Where have you been all my life?"
Fuck I hate how I think. I hate that I can't stop thinking about it. I think the reason I can't stop thinking about it is because no one has shown me any interest in the last few years. Normally I would get hit on or flirted with. Not anymore. I haven't gained any weight or anything, just got older. Now I feel like this is it for me. There are no other women out there who want me and those that do I wouldn't be attracted to or some other reason why it wouldn't work out.
Why can't I stop thinking about this weekend? She told me that he doesn't want to do anything to jeapordize their future together so they won't be having sex or anything like that. Yeah right. I've been lied to by her for the past 10 years apparently, she's not gotten any better at it.
Talking to my lawyer you would think I was talking to my wife's lawyer. I tell him that she's left almost every weekend since we've divorced. "The court won't care, you can write it down but it doesnt' mean anything really." What? My wife leaving my children and going to visit a man I don't even know and then the other times bringing my children around him against my wishes. The court won't care. How does that work?
Screw #1: Spousal Support: He's the situation and how I know I'm screwed. Apprently because I worked for 14 years of our marriage and she didn't I have to pay spousal support. Even though I worked from home for 11 of those years, always being on hand to help, never being unavailable. She was on easy street. She always had me there backing her up. Now I have to pay spousal support because she doesn't have a job and now won't have any motivation to get one. Oh, and her boyfriend doesn't work either.
Screw #2: Because she was the stay at home mom to the younger kids for 9 years she will most likely get full custody where I will get every other weekend. I was there for 11 years working from home. Certainly during my youngest children's days. She barely had to lift a finger because I was constantly at her beck and call if she needed something. Need to go shopping without kids? Ok, leave them home. Need to go off and spend the day with her mother or sister? Cool, leave them here I will watch them.
Screw #3: She has no job. Her boyfriend has no job. She wants to move back in with her parents and not pay rent. No bills either. If she does this I STILL have to pay spousal support. So I'm basically paying for her to have a life with her new boyfriend.
Screw #4: She continually talks badly about me in front of the kids. She talks on the phone to her friends badly about me, kids are around. She tells them that mommy and daddy don't love each other anymore. I tell my lawyer, he tells her lawyer, the lawyer tells her, she keeps doing it. Apparently, nothing I can do.
I'd have more but I have to leave. I have to go home and deal with looking at her knowing she's going to be with another man this weekend. 4 weeks ago she was with me and we had no problems. It's not right.
I honestly cannot deal with this anymore. I watch her at home and I miss putting my arms around her. Holding her. Kissing her. And making love to her. I've never hurt this bad in my life. She is walking around like she's on cloud 9. Nothing is affecting her. I hate it.
I can't take much more of this.
I just said goodnight to my 9 year old daughter. She is so confused and doesn't really know what's going on except for the fact that my wife told her and my twin boys (5) that "Daddy and Mommy don't love each other anymore". She did this without me. So I've been working on fixing that little problem. With her leaving this weekend it gives me a chance to bond closer with my children, do some things they want to do without mom's rules hanging over our heads.
Thank you again for your advice. I think I will get back into working out again. I did it for awhile back in 2014 and I started to look pretty good. I would love to get back in shape and how her how I can really look. Make her jealous. The thing is, I don't think that will happen. This man she is with is someone who has been trying to get with her since high school. The story changes dramamtically depending on when you ask her. But initially it was "I didn't like him but he liked me" now it's "We have both liked each other for years and never acted on it". So basically during my 14 years of marriage where she was a loving and caring wife she never really loved me and really only liked this guy. I don't buy it. But it's what she tells her friends and family.
Anyway, I need to get a bit of sleep. I hope I get to talk to you again someday. You seem like a really nice person, very smart.
Are you two still living together??
I would put your foot down for custody. DO NOT GIVE IN. If you want to be with your kids, fight for it. Do not let them tell you "it's best for the kids". What's best for your children is for their father to be an active and frequent part of their lives.
I asked for 50/50 with my kids and my ex accused me of just wanting to pay less in child support. Screw her. I want to spend time with my kids, my family. I got it!
First off, I really feel like if you are living together still you're just prolonging your suffering. You gotta get her out of there! If she's so into her new man, tell her to move there! If she can't, then tell her she needs to be out in a set number of days. Ask her to stay with her parents.
Implement limited contact. Only talk to her when it's about the kids. This is what I did. I would have erased my ex from life if I could and never have talked to her again, but I had kids, so I couldn't. The next best thing is limited contact. Stop talking to her. It will just create more suffering for you.
As for dating. Chicks dig older guys. Trust me on this!
I am dating women who are 6/7 years younger than I am, and even meeting women that are 10 years younger. I'm not saying go for women that are that much younger, but you will meet new women!! You did it once before, you can do it again.
Aside from that, it really doesn't sound like you should be worried about that right now anyway. I'm 2.5 years out from my split and I'm still not really ready to date.
When you are ready to date though, buy some new duds, get a haircut and go for it. Don't put too much weight on the outcome though. You will get rejected A LOT and you will reject A LOT. Don't take it personally (this is where I'm a bit stuck myself lol)
My ex up and left me for another man. I know it hurts like hell! For me the pain really hits home when I see them together at family functions (school stuff etc). I feel like my life was stolen from me.
All in all though, if someone can just up and piss off with another person, and not give a crap about the damage it does to their spouse or kids, then you're better off not with her!
My ex is a selfish lazy woman who needed to sponge off a man who would put up with her BS.
My comfort is knowing that she's been fired from two jobs, moved into a house where they pay double what we did, and has hardly worked in the last 2 and half years while her new man has worked 2 jobs lol.
Serves both of them right!!
Anyway man. I want you to know that it gets better. It so does! It may not feel like it now. That feeling deep in your soul, that pain you are going through. I know it well. It diminishes after time and you feel like you can breath again.
Hang in there. Be strong for yourself and your children. Go to therapy, and also, go to the gym, or workout in some way. I used that as an anti-depressant and it helped so much.
All the best!
As far as being screwed financially, yes it's happening. Don't know what state you live in, but in my state the court will impute earnings onto the lower earning spouse. My understanding is that her alimony would be reduced in future years, going on the assumption that she will get a full time job in the very near future and contribute to her own financial security. Also in my state, 50/50 custody is customary. It's not just because she was a stay-at-home-mom that she's automatically awarded custody. Did you lawyer tell you this, or is this your assumption? If you lawyer told you, I'd consult with another, or at least talk with other divorced men to see what their outcome was.
You feeling like no other woman will ever be attracted to you, well throw that idea out the window. You're going through a difficult time, you're probably not bubbling with positive energy. That can come with time.
And as far as your lawyer saying that her screwing around every weekend doesn't matter to the court, yup, that's correct. They deal with bigger scale facts. If she was physically negligent when she had them in her custody, and you have irrefutable proof of that, then they might care. Bringing the kids to see her BF - they won't care, even though it's a stupid selfish thing to do. They've seen every kind of split imaginable, they just want to get the divorce over with by dealing with splitting custody and assets. They have tons of divorce cases piled up behind yours, and they trudge through as many as they can, every day. It's pretty harsh, I know.