I know you will probably deny this until the cows come home, but I believe he is working on things with his ex. That is the only reasonable explanation for not wanting his relationship with you to be known. Telling is mother is no risk, cause he can play you off as a friend who wants more or something like that. What reason does he give for keeping this particular secret?

Are you physically intimate or is this a mostly over the computer type relationship? Is his ex, truly an ex wife, as in they officially divorced or what?

That doesn't sound like a sustainable situation to be in.

Being in a relationship with someone who has psychological challenges can be extremely draining and challenging. It is possible and the psychological challenges need not dictate or determine the nature of the relationship, but having just come out of a relationships with a partner with ups and downs I don't think I'll knowingly enter such a relationship again.

Even so the main reason I see for raising red flags is that you have been together for almost two years and only his mother knows. Sure, it is good to make sure a partner is a longterm partner before introducing said partner to especially the kids, but that'd be a matter of months, not years. And introducing the partner as a friend earlier wouldn't be out of the question.

On one hand I tend to think along the same lines as gutted here - why not introduce you, if he truly wants a lasting and official relationship? And on the other hand it is not possible to be in a relationship in which he has that type of psychological challenge, unless his family and friends know you and you can a) contact them and know he is ok and b) be supported emotionally while he has his bad days or weeks - worrying together with people is better than worrying alone.

Alarm bells are ringing. No one should be in a long term relationship and keep it a secret. I suspect you are just being used.... perhaps confrontation is the best method to resolve irrespective of mh issues. Don’t be afraid.

Happy to chat offline as always

Sushil

I know it will seem dumb to people but I absolutely know that he is not working on things with his wife and I can trust him that way. I can't tell you how, I can only tell you that I am 100% certain of it. He has issues (and we have issues as a couple) but that isn't one of them.

We are basically in a bad timing situation. We started hanging out as friends 4 mos. after his separation and we fell into a relationship. We were both looking for something casual. I am chronically ill and had not been intimate with someone for 6 years. He was going through a terrible time also and was just starting to realize that the mistakes he made had their roots in some deeper psychological issues. Anyway, we got along well and thought we'd just do a quick friends with benefits thing. The stakes were low. I didn't feel like I had anything to offer anyone as I am so sick so he was "safe" for me as I was for him. But we just got along sooooo well. Too well. We fell in love. He has told me numerous times he wished he'd met me earlier before he screwed up his life or later once he'd figured some shit out. The simple fact of the matter is that he is not ready to be a boyfriend. We both know it so we keep breaking up. But we are so important to each other that we start talking on the phone to support each other, then we hang out etc. etc. I'm not really looking for advice here, I know what it is I have to do. We have to break up and we have to not be in contact. It is just soooooo hard. And I can't talk to anyone about it because they have all heard it many times before and don't believe me anymore when I say this is the end and I am done.

At the same time, I'm just so frickin worried about him...I know I will answer if he calls just to make sure he is o.k. And then my anger dissipates and all I want to do is talk to him for hours...I never really put a label on us but after reading a little bit on here about hero complexes and co-dependency I think we probably both have that going on. It's not that I think I can fix him, I know he needs to fix himself, but I cannot help but help him when he needs it. And I think he is the same for me. To me, that says we love each other? I don't know...I'm very confused. I know this is not healthy and yet I also know that he is who I would spend the rest of my life with and be very happy. Until he took off and ghosted me for a year or two lol.

But you are right Ravens_Dawn, I cannot do this alone. And I had given him that ultimatum, that the hardest thing about dealing with his illness was the fact that I was doing it in isolation of the rest of him family, that I worry alone and that I have no way of knowing if he's actually lying in a hospital (which has happened in the past). That is insupportable.

Essentially I think my issue is also a selfish one. He really helps me keep it together when he's around. Having the issues I do, I have isolated myself from my friends. I can no longer go out and have fun, I can't even really go to someone's house...results in a lot of anxiety. I'll give you an example, today I tried to go to a movie with my sister and niece. I made it about 3/4 of the way there (through gritted teeth intent that I was going to go damnit!) and had to turn around. Prior to this I hadn't been out of the house for two weeks. He really provides my only comfort. I know this is not healthy but maintaining friendships is impossible. I just can't subject people to this illness...it is not fair to anyone. So I keep it to myself, my family (although I try not to call them every day) and him. He does the same with me. So yes, I guess we are co-dependent...I guess I am seeing that now. This sucks. Once I lose him I will be totally alone. It will be almost impossible to deal with.

By the way, my issues are not anxiety (although I do get anxiety now due to my illness) but are mostly stomach with also ic issues. They make having a normal life pretty much impossible. Treasure your health, once it goes, life is terrible.

The one and only part I am missing in all this is if he is truly not with his wife and not trying to work things out, then why is he not willing to come clean about his relationship with your? Knowing that would facilitate understanding on our part, so we could give you better feedback on the ghosting piece.

The first thing that came to mind was: your self esteem must be lower than a gopher's basement. This guy has put you in a position of being "the secret other woman". He's not showing you love in my viewpoint. Because you're ill is no reason to let yourself be drawn into this no win situation.
You need to search for someone who will accept you with your illness and love you without the games.
His mental issues aren't your responsibility either. I'm sure he knows how to get help.

Okey, so here are things the way I see them, if we assume you are correct:

You are both in a situation where you believe this relationship won't be permanent. Neither of you believes you can subject someone to being in a relationship - he due to psychological problems, you due to a chronic illnesses.

If that is what both of you believe, I can see why he doesn't introduce you to the family. I don't think it is the right decision, but I can see where he is coming from. If the relationship isn't permanent, then why involve his children, why tell his family, only for them to be disappointed or ask questions once you stop.

The thing is, with the information you've provided, I'm not sure either of you is correct. I get where you are coming from. For years and years I hid whenever someone was interested in me. No one would love me, if they really knew me, and I'd just hurt them. I'd end up being like my father, or they'd see through the illusion and realise I'm worthless (all of which I know to be false now). But the thing is, I made that choice, not they. I never gave them a chance.

Our circumstances are very much different and I'm sure no matter how much you explain, I'd never truly "get" what it is like. But I think there is a common fallacy of logic here. It is not our place to decide for other people, if they want to be with us or not. We can decide if we want to be with other people. If we believe there are challenges to being with us, we can warn those people, we can tell it like it is, and then they decide. We might get hurt that way, but I think that is a risk worth taking. Going through life alone is not something I want to do for an extended period of time ever again.

Again, only based on what you've told us, I don't see how your issues hurt him. And the way his issues hurt you are through the disappearing. What seems to be hurting more is that neither of you believes the relationship is permanent, neither one of you believes you can offer something, but clearly, since you keep getting back together there must be something.

I don't know what advice to offer though. If he introduced you to the family, if you decided to go permanent and if he got some help to get through his issues and it looks like it'll get better or more manageable, I'd probably risk staying myself. But that is a lot of "ifs".

In any case - don't shut yourself off from other people or human interaction. If nothing else then your relationship with him proves, that there are people who want to be with you even though you have chronic illnesses. But don't sacrifice your own happiness so as to protect others - let people chose for themselves what to do.

Either way, if you end up giving it another try, don't accept no for an answer on the introduction to his family. And if he gets some form of help for his issues, it'd probably be helpful for you to go along with him once or twice, also so a professional could explain his issues to you.

Really though, focus on what you think will make you happy. If it is him, then really talking things through to see if you can agree on some actions resulting in concrete beneficial outcomes might be worth a shot.

If it is too emotionally draining and you've had too many such talks, for another one to make a difference, then letting him go probably is for the better. However tough it is.

The worst situation to be in is not knowing which situation you are in. Once you know you can react appropriately.

Either way - reach out for some happiness. Really. From what you write here and your message to me on the topic I posted, you really seem like a genuinely good person. I mean, anyone who is a giant Harry Potter nerd has to be awesome! :-D

But no, in all seriousness, allow yourself some time to be sad and feel if you do decide to break up permanently, while talking to anyone who will listen. But then make yourself go out there, as you said in your reply to me. Reach for what you want and let others decide if they reach back :-)

Also do feel free to send me a message if you need to talk or just let someone know how you feel.

They are together in the same house now in order to co-parent. The want to offer the kids as much stability as they can and neither of them feels that they can parent 100% on their own effectively (they are each suffering from psych issues of depression and anxiety). For them it seems to be working for now as they do not fight much and get along better than the average couple (which is a miracle consider what they've been through). Anyway, I absolutely respect their right to figure out what is best for their family. That being said, it has been long enough and I will not consent to being a secret anymore that is for sure. I know their dynamic is delicate but enough is enough. I am not asking him to move out with me, just to let people know I exist. They can decide if/when they want to tell the kids. At the beginning we were treating it like it was not going to be a permanent relationship but lately we'd been talking about how we were going to move forward to guarantee that we would continue to be in each other's lives on a more permanent basis. That's part of the reason I am so devastated this time around, because it seemed like we were both on the same page with that. He'd agreed and said that he was ready to tell his family and the meds seemed to be helping his ups and downs.

All this is moot because he is still ghosting me. It's been three days now. I've done a bit more looking into codependency and I am getting really scared because I am thinking that what I saw before as an act of love and kindness on his part maybe actually be unhealthy psychological behaviours for him (and to a lesser extent me). And there is a pattern there...he has been involved with people he thought he was going to "save" before me...I did not think he was repeating the pattern with me as I made sure he realized from the beginning that nothing he could do would "cure" me....I think I recognized this "hero" type tendency early on and wanted to make sure it was clear to him that I'm not a damsel in distress. I've taken care of myself for years. But in the last couple of days I think that maybe even though he mentally or superfically knows he can't save me, that it maybe still plays into a bit of a power dynamic....I don't know...I never thought he was a straightforward guy...he's always been complicated, but I'm starting to realize that he might be even more complicated and screwed up than I realized. There is a lot screwed up crap in his past...Anyway, like I said it just really sucks to think that the love and kindness he has shown to me with regards to my illness might have actually just been feeding an ego driven need in himself. When I looked up co-dependency traits, he had most of them (I had a couple too to be honest).

I'm just so sad. It seems like this is a total no win situation. I'm very confused because what felt like the healthiest (except for the ghosting) relationship I've ever had in my life might in fact be largely based on very unhealthy impulses (on his side mostly but also on mine too). This sucks sooooo much. And still, all I want to do is talk to him to figure this out.

I've done one thing that I am not sure is healthy or unhealthy. I've blocked him from my phone. This is less about maintaining a no contact thing and more about trying to wrest back a little control. If I've blocked him I'm not waiting 24 hours a day for my phone to beep. I know it won't. I've texted him that I've done this and told him that I will call him a couple of times a day and it is up to him to pick up or not. He also has my e-mail and facebook so he can get in touch with me if he needs to or wants to. It feels like a good first step for me. I guess the next step is to stop calling him. I'm hoping that I can do that soon. I'm giving it one more shot on Monday because I know the kids will be back at school and that might help him reach out. After Monday (or more realistically Tuesday), my goal is to stop calling him altogether. I hope I can be strong enough to do this. This is coinciding with a super great flare-up of some of my ic issues. So that's great. (and no, there is no correlation between this happening and the ic flare-up...my ic does not care what is happening in my life, it flares up whenever the hell it wants to). Sometimes, I really, really, really do just want to take a large bottle of pills and just stop all the fuckery. It is just not worth the effort anymore.