I'm starting not to like this guy. You said you were sorry. He either needs to forgive you and come home or move out and STAY OUT. This limbo crap is for the birds. It is causing you and your children emotional strain. It is starting to sound like he is actually taking advantage of your remorse and milking it for all it's worth. I think you need to take a stand. You need to find the strength inside to take a stand and if you don't have it, invite girlfriends over to enforce some new ground rules! If he is not even going to TRY to work things out , then NO MORE doing things together and no more visits longer than 5 minutes.

Right, Limbo sucks.

I have no idea if he professes his love for you, but if he is, tell him to forget it. He can step up or get out of the way.

You have every right to say, 'hey this hurts me. I don't need to continue this.' This is your life too. Sure, you have kids together and a whole life together, but this treatment? No. We all make mistakes. If he is not onboard with your handling them to save your marriage, alright, he's not.

Me? I would lay it out, give him a week. If he is still the same, and wants to continue this, tell him you are done. Line up time for him to have the kids at his place, don't allow him in your house, no more.

That's what I would do.

Sending you support, L~

He is comfortable with the situation the way it is. He gets to see the kids, still do family things but he gets to go "home".I know you have made an effort to improve but sometimes they think it's too little too late.My ex moved out and at the beginning he too would come over and we did the family things.He did not want to try to fix us. Afterwards he would say I have to go home now. I know what you're going through and it sounds like he has made his decision. Counseling can help you accept this but trying to get him back under your roof won't work. He NEEDS to want to come back.HUGS

I appreciate your help. This is so difficult. I keep hoping keeping one foot in the door will eventually lead to him wanting to save our marriage. I had always been so pushy, belittling and controlling toward him,. I took my issues out on him. I don't think he loves me right now but my goal is to rebuild as friends and hope things can rekindle. I may be naieve but he had asked initially for a divorce so him being around so much maybe his attempt to see if we can do just that. But, when asked or pressured to try he reacts negatively. I have no life without him and totally love him with all my heart. I am a stay at home mom, he has a big extended family, I have only a couple relatives and my parents live out of state, all our friends are pretty much shared, this stunks and I am so hurting. I can't fathom why he won't try especially with two young kids he adores. He cant truly think all these things will continue to happen together if we don't repair things can he????

Most of us on this board loved our exes and they were our life. You cannot live your life through him, I found this out the hard way. I tried for 4 yrs. to hold us together but he said he loved me but wasn't in love with me.He wanted to move on and I was forced to also. I hope it works out for you but the stress of the situation will wear you down. It is not the way to live being in limbo. I guess a straight talk even if he doesn't want to. This is only being fair to you. You deserve to know his intentions evenif it's something you don't want to hear.

Thanks...I am not yet ready to take a stand. I have asked/begged pretty much weekly and am trying to string together a period of time where we are just happy so he can really see me not controlling/manipulating. It is true he needs to want to come back and it is true that me asking will never get me him.Showing the home, wife, mom to his kids, that I should have been is what I am trying to do. Yes I made the changes for good but he is hurt over everything and I am trying to be strong and keep my family whole. Both parties must want it, you guys are right. I am still hoping that a 3mo. separation just isn't long enough for someone to recover from 17 years of built up bitterness. He is really a family type guy. He has made his declaration that he doesn't want to try and now I go about being a whole person hoping his mind will change....uughhhh. It isn't right, i can feel it deep in my heart. I do know what you are all saying. i am just dying inside but am willing to suffer if it can lead us back to being a family. I really am listening and appreciating you guys. i just gotta vent and thanks everyone!!!!

I feel for you. Kind of in the same position but no kids Start doing something for yourself that makes you feel good. You need to take control of your life. Does it not get old catering to a person that does not respect you? Do you want someone to treat you that way? If being around him hurts you stop doing it. Don"t be a door mat for him. He is doing what he wants. Dont let him take advantage of you like that. Do things for yourself and don be so available for him. Be strong about he will take notice. If he does not your better off with out him. It is really hard at first but if he want to be with you. He will take notice of changes in you and see you will not wait around for him. and then you have the ability to speak about what you want for him. You will be happier for it in the end because you are standing up for yourself. If he does notice then you have your answer and eventually will be better off for it. In the end you might not want him and want something better for yourself. Good luck just a sugestion

What is he missing? Nothing! I am sorry but to allow him to do what he pleases at your expense is just wrong. If he calls his apartment home, then let him stay home and cook dinner for himself. If you have to go through the mental pain of wanting him back so badly knowing that he is going to leave after he has spent time with his kids and been fed a good mean...then it is not worth it.
And I am sure it is affecting your kids to see you like this and that is not fair either. He needs to decide one way or another what he wants. The fact that you are getting help for your issues is great, but you are defeating any progress you are making by allowing his behavior. Tell him to stay away. If he wants to see the kids have him pick them up and take them to his apartment.
This is not about him anymore...its about you and your kids. I am not trying to be mean but you are letting him get away with entirely too much and as someone else put it...he is having his cake and eating it too!

I have to agree with Timebandit--this situation only benefits HIM. It doesn't help you and it certainly isn't good for the kids.

First, what sacrifice is he making? Absolutely none. He gets to still be married, thus paying no spousal support, child support, etc. He doesn't have to deal with the day-to-day raising of children--he gets to go 'home' at the end of the day. He gets to keep the friends, the 'illusion' of a happy marriage, home-cooked meals from a wife who has punished herself TOO LONG. He won't do marriage counseling (this would be a big deal breaker for me) and it appears he's happy with the status quo.

Second, this is bad for your kids. It is giving them the 'illusion' that the family is happy, when they need help to face reality--this marriage is on borrowed time.

Finally, how long are you going to punish yourself? All of us on here can take some credit for the demise of our marriages, but does that mean we spend the rest of our days self-punishing? NO! You have owned your truth, sought counseling and help for your problems, and are working hard to reconcile. But the bottom line is this, THERE CAN BE NO RECONCILIATION IF ONLY ONE PERSON WANTS IT.

Continue with your counseling and talk to your counselor about setting boundaries. If he wants to see the kids, great! Let him take them to his 'home' and visit with them. He has to see that a divorce situation will look very differently than what he has now. You're helping him see this because he is making ABSOLUTELY NO SACRIFICE.

Time to set some boundaries. Start with little ones that are easy to enforce ("No, you cannot stay for six hours and visit. You must be gone in two hours." If he whines, tell him he is welcome to take the children to his apartment).

You gotta take your life back. You've been in prison long enough. Time for a pardon.

Sending hugs.

some advice to you from guys point of view .... i have a friend that recently tore herself apart due to the fact that the husband cheated on her ..left her and walked out on the family ..... i have a feelign she was trying to grasp his attention ... it takes 2 to tango in a relationship and 1 to say no more ... which hurts sometimes .... i have been going through a breakup latly and everyday while i walk i state this in my head if you love something set it free ... we are all part of the animal kingdom and there is nothing worse than seeing a caged animal likewise being trapped ..... im sorry this might come across as harsh but im just merely stating facts ... im sorry for the kids too ... concentrate on yourself . you deserve it . i know it can be hard being a mom sometimes but you are essential too just like everyone else .. dont be afraid to lay some rules down as well it will make him stand up even if you dont realize it he will take notice trust me .. be firm in your convictions though .

DF - I have had a wife in limbo for 15 months+. It was ok at first, then turned into full MLC events (partying, out all the time, ..) and eventually her wanting a divorce but w/ a short separation instead. The long & short is this - it only got better once I became strong with myself and said enough. I told her either all-in or out...in a calm but firm voice. I wasn't bluffing either - I was strong to move forward. I wanted her both as my wife/love and for our kids/family to be there.

She is working on it - not exactly what I want but a LONG ways from where it was. Don't assume this will work...it may not but it's moving forward right now. If she said out, I would have gotten a good lawyer and moved forward that way also....not as happy with that outcome but an outcome.

Here is my advice: getting stronger - find your faith, go to counseling, work out consistently (good for a lot of reasons) and get prepared for any outcome. Once ready & not until, give him the ball to make a move....either way, he has to do something. Just my 2c...limbo is the worst for everyone!

Good luck.

Your H needs to have a glimps of what divorce would look like-quit cooking his meals-quit entertaining him in any way-he moved out-show him what divorce and the single life will look like. You are providing him with a pretty nice way of life-you are carrying all the burden/lifting-and he is coming and going with no committment what so ever-I CALL BULLSHIT!

Either shit or get off the pot is what I'd be telling him-three months is long enough to be dragging this shit out.

Don't let your kids think this is a normal way of life-either he's in or out.

Sending support!