just an idea - try focusing on where you are now - not where you may or may not be a year or two years from now - and definitely not when or when you wont be in another marriage.

focusing on now is enough. the rest will come. I promise. :)

I am one of the ones that still gets affected 3 years out - divorce isn't for the faint of heart. I don't cry every day - things are light years better than they used to be- I have my moments though - but I never go down quite as far. there are just some days that it nudges me and reminds me that its there - and I let it - then count my blessings - remember how far ive come and just carry on.

I cant tell you if you will be thinking about him or not - I miss my step daughter and not a day goes by that I don't think about her. I think about him too - but im not in love with him anymore. hes not a jerk to me anymore. hes just who he is. my ex-husband. again - its just a nudge - reminding me its there - it is what it is.

xoxo

That's the worst. The unknown and the unsure-ity of it all. The what-ifs.

You know where you'll be in a year? Wherever you're ready to be.

Some move on within weeks, months, some focus and move slowly, some choose to stagnate and spin their wheels and stay exactly where they are. We all cope differently, handle things differently and move differently. There's no checklist or timeframe.(wish there was!!!!)

You've done some great things. You've shown incredible strength. You're allowed to have your OH MY GOD!!! or WTF!!! moments.

My counselor told me to stop focusing on things like the future and how others (my husband) are going to react or what they are going to do etc....he said it does nothing to help what i'm dealing with now. Just thought I'd share.

Jgarc,
I do agree with stillbitter.
Everybody is different. Some people just feel they can't get over someone so they sort of are stuck in a rut, and actually resents it if someone tries to help them rather just support their position. Some want out of that rut and some don't.
Being as you seem to have a different attitude, as not wanting to be in the same place and asking for help instead of just support, I think you will have the attitude of getting over this sooner than a lot of people.
I think you need to do more self care, that is doing special things for yourself every day. Things you enjoy doing. People swear it does help. It can be anything from taking a bubble bath to going shopping or taking a walk.
I really do appreciate this quote, as it is true for a lot of people I know;
"People are just about as happy as they make up their mind to be" - Abraham Lincoln

It will take some time, but I believe if you really want to move on sooner than some---you will. The times you spend crying will get farther and farther apart. Right now, being mad is a good thing. You will move on. Just try and focus on you and what you want to do.
I wish you the very best, and much happiness.
OOPS---- Jgarc, I really hope you would think you could find happiness in spite of either getting married or not. Most of the people I know would not touch marriage, as there are just to many people who can con you till they get you safely married.
There is 2 out of 4 people that I know that are in long term relationships without marriage. Both couples are happy and not worrying about the piece of paper. This is something you can worry about later. I hope you maybe get into therapy, which would help loads, and work on making yourself happy before you start dating.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Focus on the present. No one can predict the future, so who knows how far along you'll be. If you don't have kids, I imagine it will be a bit easier, as you won't have the continued contact and nagging for child support. The more contact you have, the longer it takes to get over it, in my opinion. Not really relishing trying to collect maintenance for the next 8-1/2 years. If I didn't truly need the money I wouldn't even ask for it, because I think it's going to hold me back emotionally. I get the whole worrying about remarriage thing. But some second marriages do work out - my mother is remarried for longer now than she was the first time. Just have to choose better next time.

Thank you everyone :) I know everyone heals at their own pace, but I really really do not want to be sad anymore over someone who isn't worth it! Someone who never took me seriously!

Then....don't be.

You can either be a divorced woman that sits and cries everyday over a boy. Lamenting their lot in life, how they wasted time on someone so unimportant but not moving somewhere else in their life..,or be a divorced woman who finds her true value and carries on, either with or without someone, living life to the fullest.

Either way? You're STILL a divorced woman.

Which way you go is your choice.

Jgarc, everyone heals in their own way, in their own time. I understand how discouraged you feel, but someone elses journey is their own, and yours is uniquely yours. I think a lot of the repeated divorces that happen are either because people didn't take the time to really work on themselves and not repeating patterns, or they got lied to by a conartist who doesn't deserve them and knows they couldn't have them any other way. There is no 100 percent gaurentee, but even so, you are the one driving this train. You have been through a lot, and seen signs to watch for, you are learning and growing everyday, so you wont be easy prey for jerks, or keep picking the same men over and over. Im certainly not an expert on this, I have only been married to my husband, soon to be ex, but you have to believe that your story is just for you. And its going to be beautiful, with ups and downs. All of which make you who you are. Ok, I will shut up now. LOL. Hope I helped a little. Much love and support.

"I know everyone heals at their own pace, but I really really do not want to be sad anymore over someone who isn't worth it! Someone who never took me seriously!"

This is good. The desire to be happy will motivate you and help to keep you focused. Do your best to take care of you! Stay busy as much as you can. Treat yourself like a child. Be gentle and loving. Don't be critical. When these feelings come up, let them. Allow them to work their way through and pass on. Know that it is ok and normal to feel the way you do. Don't dwell on the past and try not to worry about the future. Live and get out and notice all the good that is around you regardless of what you are going through and what you feel. If you do find yourself thinking about how things were, its ok but just acknowledge it and move on to another thought if you can. If you can't, it's ok. You will be able to in time.
It can be difficult trying not to obsess about all the what if's and why's. Just know that you are already further along than you probably give yourself credit for and you will continue to change and gradually, you will feel better. I know you will not be here in another year. Will you be ready to move on? I don't know but you will not be where you are today.
Don't be so quick to worry about marriage again, although it is natural to. Instead, work on really loving yourself and taking care of you so when the time comes for your next relationship, you will not take anything less than what you would give to yourself. Do that and there is a good chance you will not be another statistic.

The only thing or person who can kill your hope is you.

Keep your head up. Take care. You know we are all here for you and are cheering you on. :)

((((hugs))))

I agree and understand... I don't want to be alone for years... I liked being married.. I liked the companionship and having that person to call when your on a business trip or just having a bad day.. that one person who has your back... I like being part of a team...

not to say I'll marry again.. but I want a good relationship and will look for that at some point.... first I have more healing to do.. I think I'll know when I'm ready... but I don't think it will take years,.

I am one of those my dd will be 5 yrs in Nov of this year. I have had my up's and down's. In some ways we are so much happier, we have learned alot been thru alot and still in love. BUT what I don't do is worry about tomorrow, worry about if he is cheating or not. Live today and only today, yesterday is in the past and tomorrow isn't promised to us. so just get up everyday and live that day for you........... If you remarry, live a day at a time, be yourself for you. It will work out once you stop worrying about the what ifs........