Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
This is my first post.
We've been together for 9 years next month, married for 7 1/2. I tried to separate from him a month ago exactly.
At first he was sad, angry. Then he went to optimistic, asking me to try and fix things, to give him another chance. This cycle has carried on for the last 4 weeks. It breaks my heart that he wants so badly to try and try again... but after 9 years of no changes... I'm over it, I'm out of this.
Has anyone else ever left because they were tired of "I'll change" (but never did)? Have those of you who left - have your spouses had a hard time dealing? What helps them?
My husband moved out a week ago, and it was so hard to drive home thinking "he won't be here tonight" - but I know in my heart I can't stay. I know that I'll never be able to give him what he deserves. I just wish he could see he's worth more than staying with me.
Your first post and a worthy one at that. I hope for you to find a useful way to map out your differences. I like where you say that you "wish he could see he's worth more than staying with me." Beautifully expressed, and that is where I can identify with you. Many times our husbands either don't understand how to respond to our basics need, or it's just a matter of assuming that we think that by just being in a home life just fits and shapes into a healthy relationship matter. This way is not the case. It makes a difference when there's balance in our feelings as a couple and not just with our material needs. I suppose that being the chief bread-winner is often the point of a man's idea of marriage. Yet the truth of feeling secure is so much more than that.
You've been separated for only a short while. Then you already have so many special, shared years, and with this many years comes experience to weave through this split by using what you can already trust in each other. For example: is he a good father? The few short moments when I seriously considered to throw in the towel were moments when I reasoned in my mind that my children were the best reason for us to stay put in marriage. You are not alone; many marriages are toxic because one or the other feels unsafe or insecure. However, if he's honestly bringing home the bacon, bills are paid as agreed, and he is there for you in the most important times of your need, then perhaps this idea of a separation is only a temporary idea and a useful idea. Time away is often best to think things over.
I'd consider a comeback reunion before seeking a divorce lawyer. After all, you are having active withdrawal thoughts while recalling him with feelings of an empty space. So I'd like to encourage you to navigate through your differences one more time, even if this means seeking for outside professional services to help both of you enable a flow of trust between the two of you (see a marriage of family therapist). Family is so very important. I hope for you to use the time apart as a rational split for the purpose of generating other options or thoughtful ways to deal with the problems you face in a reasonable sense of the matter.
Best of comfort to you today. I am deeply sorry for your heartache. I pray that all gets well for both of you. Have faith in your love.