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Husband cheated now won’t talk to me

shisnomore
shisnomore

I'm looking for advice from someone who had cheated or has been cheated on.  A little over 2 months ago I found out my husband was getting close to a female coworker.  When I questioned him about it nicely he got very upset telling me he never wanted our marraige and I turned him into 'this person'  He would lie and said he wasn't talking to her anymore but I kept finding evidence that proved otherwise.  He eventually started a physical affair with her.  He told me he wants a divorce then planned a 3 day getaway to Philly with his mistress the next day.  We have an 18 month old daughter so we still have to be in each other's lives for her.  My ex seemed to hate me.  He refuses to talk to me about anything but our daughter and he blames me for turning him into a cheater (which he only admits to now because I have pictures of them at a hotel together).  I don't understand why HE hates ME.  I am still legally his wife, we were still very much together when he started sleeping with her too.  I'm being very nice with the divorce and not fighting for what I'm entitled to, and I agreed to the custody he wanted.  I am trying to be as civil as possible for our daughter but he pretends I don't exist.  I don't understand what I did wrong and why HE hates ME.  He cheated, he had the girl he really wanted and he is getting the divorce he wanted.  Why does he continue to hurt me more by ignoring me?

jojored
jojored
I'll hazard a guess and say he's ignoring you because otherwise he has to own up to his cheating lying ways, and he simply doesn't want to do that. He's a coward, he blames you for his actions. Ridiculous. You shouldn't step away from asking for what you are entitled to in the divorce. The rest of your life and your child's life depends in large part on the marital settlement agreement.
trisha9054
trisha9054
jojo just wrote what I was going to say. You can't be kind to someone like your stbx. Your daughter is very young and you need to ask for what you are entitled to have. If you don't need what should be yours save it to put your daughter thru college. You can't predict the future and what you get from the divorce could go into savings for an emergency fund.
nt618202
nt618202
I am so sorry for what you are going through. This is crazy, but at the beginning of August my husband came home from an overnight trip to Philly and told me he was leaving. (after 8 years together) Walked out and never came back. The next day he moved in with a girl from work and has since been living with her and establishing a relationship. We have a two year old son and he is acting the same way towards me. Making me feel like I did something so terribly wrong for him to treat me this way. This whole time I've felt so alone and that no one could understand. But after reading your story, made me realize that I'm not alone and you're not alone either. You have your daughter to give you strength! You are an amazing mother and doing the absolute best you can. She will learn from your strength. I am so sorry.
movingon2016
movingon2016
I'm sorry to read about your situation. Rather than owning up to their own faults, cheaters will present it to you as your fault they cheated. Do not get trapped in their crazy world. Do not feel bad because "you" caused their cheating.

If you are not asking for what you are entitled to then you are working straight into his manipulations. Believe me when I say they will not stop taking more and more down the road. Protect yourself so you can protect your daughter. The first step in the healing process is to learn to take care of yourself. That means financially as well as emotionally. You've been in a tailspin (imo) since learning of his betrayal. That works out in his favor.

Make one change to yourself today. Tell yourself "HE" had a choice. HE cheated. HE could have come to you and worked out his issues with the marriage or ended it before moving on. HE did not do that. Just know that even though he blames you for HIS actions, you did not make those choices. HE made them.

Be strong for your daughter. Believe me hindsight is 20/20. I'm realizing my actions/depression and lack of strength are noted by my beautiful girls. I tried taking care of them first and only ended up realizing that by not taking care of me I did not protect them.

One step. Just start with one step. Hugs.
Gutted
Gutted
It's typical male BS. He got caught, lied his ass off, you kept busting him out long after you should have thrown his ass out and now you giving him the advantage in your divorce and being nice 'for your daughter'. No you aren't being nice for your daughter, you are doing it for you.

If you really wanted what was best for your daughter, you would be making sure you got every single thing you were entitled to so you can have some hope of supporting her on your own. You would be really thinking about how she is going to be affected by having a lying, manipulative, mentally abusive father in her life. What's he doing to you, he'll probably do to her on some level and after you've given away the farm in the divorce proceeding it'll be too late to do anything about it.

I strongly urge you to rethink you position. Put on your big girl panties and do right by your little girl. Having no dad is a hundred times better than having a selfish A-hole for a dad. Just my personal opinion.
Mae19681995
Mae19681995
Dear shishnomore, sorry to hear about your situation. You need to be sure that your daughter is taken care of. The cheater always want to project blame on the other person since they know deep down inside that they are wrong. He will realize in time how he hurt you and his daughter. He tore his family apart and it may take a long time, but he will regret it. Your little girl must be your top priority and he needs to fulfill his fatherly duties and responsibility to her. So sorry!
christi33c
christi33c
Please for the sake of yourself and your child., do not give into this man. Ask the courts for what is right. He needs to take responsibility for his child physically and financially. I have been down this road and it is hard. Right now you need to worry about your baby and if he doesn’t want to talk to you, left for someone else, he is not worth a damn.