First of all I hope everything turns out well for you. You will be in my prayers tonight.
Friends are the one thing that you don't have to worry about. When you go through a divorce that is the only thing, I found, that works itself out. You will see the real ones come to your side. And you will see the fake ones walk away all by themselves. Don't worry about that. That is the one thing you will never have to worry about.
Hugs

I think a lot of times people are surprised at which of their friends choose to stay friends. You'll just have to wait and see what happens. It's not worth worrying about. If they don't choose to be your friend, they were never your friend to begin with.
Just focus on yourself and making yourself happy.
I wish you the very best.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))))))

Yes, that can be a bit scary. For me, I knew in advance which way friends would go. My friends still hang out with me, her friends still hang out with her. Most mutual friends try to do both (separately) but not too often.

Several mutual friends have said to me privately that they think my EX is being stupid. While that does help my ego, I am not foolish. I assume that they could say the same thing to her too. So.. I just thank them for their confidence in me, and try to redirect the conversation. The less time I spend talking about my EX, the better. I try very hard to not put mutual friends in the position of having to choose sides.

And yes, there were a few friends that seem to have gone missing. Not really sure why, however I would think that they may feel awkward around us now, or don't want a 3rd wheel.

I don't think any of the wives have quite gone as far as to avoid (me) the divorced guy so that I don't give their husbands any ideas. One of my divorced guy friends swears this happens to him, but I haven't seen it.

When I was looking at the possibility of divorce, I realized that I was a bit lacking in the good personal friends dept. I spent some time cultivating some of my acquaintances with some of the people I knew. Picked a few people that I thought I had something in common with and asked them to hang out. Game, burger after work, etc. I am really glad I did, as I now have several really good friends that I didn't before.

Hmmm. You are thinking about divorce and pre-plotting? If you are really thinking that, I'd think about opening that can of worms with him. See if he's on the same page. I'm not certain what differences would be identified and re-argued over after identification, but maybe if you were a bit more specific, would could assist further.

I mean are you talking core differences, like having or not having children, or are you talking I like seafood, and you don't differences?

It's true you find out who your friends are. I had one really good friend I leaned on, like she leaned on me when she got divorced. The rest went away very quickly, and they all maintain contact with my STBX. To them I say farewell. Nice knowing you. They are not people who would have been supportive of my decision, so whatever. What I have found the most helpful is having a therapist to hash things out with. My few friends/family I think can get a little annoyed with my struggles, so I talk it out with my therapist, who is paid to listen to me! And I come on here often. This site has been a true source of strength and knowledge throughout this process. Divorce is a serious, painful, expensive thing. Do not take it lightly.

Thanks everyone, I appreciate all the insight.

sh39- that makes a lot of sense about cultivating some friendships. I probably could afford to do that no matter how things turn out.

MsqtD- That's an excellent question, I've been pondering how to answer you. I'm not really comfortable getting into specifics on the open board just yet, but I'd say they are core values. I'm the one who has changed a lot in the past couple years, and so I am the one causing problems I suppose. We have discussed the topic of divorce a couple of times, any time it is brought up he goes into a deep almost suicidal depression. I do love him and I hope we can work it out. Part of me wonders if the best thing I could do for him is leave and give him space to heal - I'm sure he'd find an amazing woman if he tried looking.

Thanks for all the hugs, prayers and support. I definitely need them right now.

Hmmm. If your core values change, that's a tough one. It'd be like me marrying a war protester. I get where they are coming from, and fight for their freedom to do/think so, but that goes against a huge core value with me, and I don't think I could be waking up to that on a daily basis.

How about therapy?

I also don't like the deep depression suicidal drama stuff. Sounds like he's got his own things to work on, in tandem with the marriage.

If you are thinking of cutting him loose for his own good, my guess is, the changes in your though process are the ones that are skewed further from "normal" than his.

When I say "normal" I mean you two obviously established your own at one point.

I was in the boat you are: Most of my girlfriends were mothers of playdate kids, and the couples we hung with were, obviously, friends with both. My family is also all out of state.

I lost everyone we hung with as a couple, but I use "lost" very loosely. They were never going to stay my friends. Most worked with him, and the woman he cheated on me with, and her H, got dropped like a bad habit from both of us. I

I drew strength from my family, even if they were out of state. I reached out and point blank asked people at work questions about things to help me see better or gain clarity. People reached back.

Three years in, and I have a strong base to draw from. I don't feel bad or miss the "friends" we had because, like I said, they weren't my friends any way.

Friends also tend to lean toward the man, IMO. There is stereotypically "less" drama with the man.

All of his family, even if they think he is wrong, will side with him.
All married friends, mutual or not, will be gone.
Any friends that were his, even if they think he is wrong, will side with him.
Family & your friends are your best bet for love & support.

I agree with gem :)

What happened with me is that all of his friends I believe have stayed his friends (I don't know because I haven't talked to any of them), and the few joint friends we had together have rather distanced themselves because his constant whining makes them uncomfortable. I didn't do any whining, and never really discussed the issues with any joint friends. When I run into any of them now, there is an awkwardness. I don't see any of them hardly at all so it's not really an issue.

I had a lot of friends from chuch, school, work and volunteer groups. During the divorce, they all swore they will stand by me, took me out to lunch, dinner, spa days, etc. Once the dust settled, they were gone.

I was asked to leave the church I was born into because my reasons for divorce weren't valid. So, lost all church friends. Then, lost other friends because ex told everyone I was having an affair. Which I wasn't when I 1st told him I was filing after the Christmas holidays, and he had a critical accident 2 days later. Couldn't file for divorce when he was bed bound for who knew how many months. An ex boyfriend helped with home issues, nothing was going on between us until 1 night he stopped over and my husband was just being abusive, verbally, to me, and we started something.

When he was finally back on his feet, I filed. He never said a word. It wasn't because I was in love with someone else, it was just that I couldn't let my children live in a house where their dad swore at their mother and them daily.

Anyway, I lost family and friends, but in the end I have gained true friends and family who know me for me, and don't believe my ex. Yes, I miss some, but they weren't real friends to begin with.

Good luck! It's hard to deal with.

Wow, that sucks about the church "friends." I have never heard of someone being asked to leave a church because of their reasons for divorce, of because of divorce at all. What the heck? Sounds like you need a different church, and a different set of church friends. That is the one problem I have with organized religion. I was not brought up in a church at all, but starting going at the "urging" (nagging) of my MIL because we had kids and she wanted them brought up in the church. So I (no, not my STBX, just me) took the kids to church every Sunday until they were confirmed. I've never met a bigger bunch of hypocritical, judgmental people in all my life. Some of them were really nice, but many of them were not. Maybe it was just the church I belonged to (the hoity toity people of our town went there - lots of money and not much outreach so people could just open their very full wallets and give money and not have to actually do anything charitable physically). My MIL talked behind people's backs that she was supposedly friends with. People got looked down on for all sorts of things. Definitely not my cup of tea. I am spiritual, but not religious. Hopefully you'll be able to find a better place to fit in and feel accepted.

Depending on what church you go to, will make or break your chances of true friends in the church. Pick a church that's real, that has recovery groups for sexual addiction, sexual abuse, gay lifestyle recovery, things that fake churches won't talk about or deal with. Find a church that loves you wether your in jeans or goth clothing or a three piece suit. That's been a big help for me. I have no patience for fake