Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
We plan on telling our kids that we're separating this week, and I'm having trouble coming up with a reason to give them - would love to know what everyone told theirs! My main concern is my daughter (she's 8 and very intelligent, logical), who I know will need a good reason and not some BS answer she can see right through. For obvious reasons I can't tell her the full truth, which is that her dad has cheated on me dozens of times over our ten year marriage, has addiction issues, and I've finally had enough. The two of us are in a good, mostly amicable place and are committed to co-parenting well together (as well as sharing a house for the time being, we are living overseas at the moment so the financial situation is complicated and a whole other story). We'll be telling them together. I won't speak badly of him, so the struggle is finding a reason to give her that won't downplay the importance of working on your marriage (I don't want her to think that just because you have a little problem every now and then, it's okay to give up on a commitment you made) but that she will understand and accept as a valid reason for us to separate and eventually divorce. I know I'm overthinking things, but the situation is harder since they haven't really seen his behaviors, most of our arguments, his pill problems, etc., so I'm sure as far as they're concerned our relationship is generally good.
Would love some advice or suggestions of reasons to give.. obviously it has to be based in the truth of my situation, but knowing what others have said or would say would be helpful.
The best thing I've come up with so far is something like "Daddy and I haven't been getting along for a long time. We have tried hard to fix our problems but haven't been able to and we've decided that we make better friends. We both love you very much and we will always be a family, and the most important thing to us is that you know we will both always be there for you. We've decided that Daddy will stay in the house for now and have his own room, so he'll still be able to see you every day."
Would love some advice or suggestions of reasons to give.. obviously it has to be based in the truth of my situation, but knowing what others have said or would say would be helpful.
The best thing I've come up with so far is something like "Daddy and I haven't been getting along for a long time. We have tried hard to fix our problems but haven't been able to and we've decided that we make better friends. We both love you very much and we will always be a family, and the most important thing to us is that you know we will both always be there for you. We've decided that Daddy will stay in the house for now and have his own room, so he'll still be able to see you every day."
I've always been a fan of stories or analogies. If your daughter has been through the 'had a best friend and then they drifted apart' experience, you could draw a parallel there. Search 'Patti' and 'puppy' because another member had a great analogy about a month ago for reassuring your kids and helping them be comfortable with the uncertainty that lies ahead regarding how life will be for them in the future after the divorce. It was really clever.
Have you discussed how the conversation will go with your spouse - I wish I would have done more of this and set a boundary or two. I too still get along with my STBX but he's a narcissist and a manipulator, so he threw into the conversation "it was Mommy that was insisting we end it and he thought we could still make it work if we tried" - which totally made me the bad guy (although my kids were 15 & 17 so they're mature enough to know that I had good reasons for wanting out - they witnessed the alcoholism and anger issues but don't yet know about the drugs and porn).
Good luck to you.
I'm afraid I may end up in a similar situation with what your husband did to you - despite the fact that the breakdown in our marriage has stemmed 100% from his actions, he's convinced himself that if I would just let him, he would really try and be able to be a better husband this time around, if I would just give him one more chance (he's had a million). So all of a sudden it's my decision, my choice not his, and I could easily see him saying something like "Daddy wanted to try to work on things but Mommy didn't want to" or similar. I really hope he doesn't and I will talk to him about not saying it, but I can't really trust him at all so who knows what he will eventually say when angry or upset at me :/
And when we told the kids we told them together the 12 year old with the 5 year old. We basically told them that mommy and daddy were separating and that daddy would live at a new place that they would visit him at often and even have a place to sleep there. We told them that it was not their fault, and that mommy and daddy were trying to work on things. We made sure we told them what wasn't going to change...like their ability to still spend time with friends, that their school wasn't going to change, etc. And we explained what would change, daddy's address, etc. We reiterated that we loved them both very much and that we would both be a big part of their lives. The 5 year old had no questions, but we asked our very intelligent 12 year old if she had questions and she asked a few and we answered them. A few questions we had to give her an answer about somethings being adult matters but that it was definitely not her fault.
It was a very bitter pill to swallow. I wanted them to know what a dirt bag my stbx was. His cheating etc. I didn't want to share the blame. But I did. And I have been a better person in the long run and have developed a better relationship with my children because of it.
Good luck telling your children. It will be an emotional time for sure.
7 years down the line, I think it matters much less how you tell them, and more how you live the next years of your life.
I think most people pretty much go through a phase of hating their ex, especially if there's cheating. I know that I did.
But as soon as the ink was dried on the papers, I started thinking of my ex as less "my ex" and more "my children's father". As their father, I wanted good things for him, because that meant good things for my kids.
I wanted his relationships to work out, because that meant more stability for my kids. I wanted my kids to have a good relationship with his girlfriends, because...well.... would you really wish a bad relationship on your KIDS?
It didn't quite work out that way for me. But my kids learned a lot about being compassionate from their experiences with her. I got Karma...and I'd throw it back if I could. Even more than the divorce.
It's less a matter of being careful of what you wish for, and more a matter of your kids will take on the same types of wishes that you have. If you wish hate, your kids will learn hate.
I was thinking about the Robert Frost poem, The Road Less Traveled. It's about making choices. While the divorce wasn't my choice, it was a road less traveled. It's been a good road. I'm happy. It's had it's rainy and sunny days, amazing sights and bog pits. It's been a good road.