Sit aside by yourself and be alone and ask your intuition/God/strong inner feelings "what you should do" to be happy, true to yourself and fulfilled. You will get the answer in your mind.
Stay hopeful and you will be alright.
GBU hugs

Thank you. I do have moments of clarity where it seems as if God has given me every sign that this is the right thing, as painful as it is. I guess I just need to try to hang on to those as long as I can.

Welcome! You came to the right place for support. I don't know all the details of your relationship but I can share my experience. I left a relationship of 15 years myself (9 years married). He too fooled around with someone years ago (but he kept it from me). Our relationship fell apart in the end as much as I tried to make it work. I still had hope that he would change for the better and be the man I always wanted him to be. I did not want to give up. We did do counseling but he did not put the required effort in for long. Leaving a relationship I invested so much time and energy into was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Even after I left I still struggled, wondering if I should have given our marriage another chance. I clung onto the good memories and they haunted me. It has been a year of ups and downs and some confusion, but in the end I finally accepted that it was for the best. I accepted that things will never be the same. The trust is gone and the hurt will always be there. He will also never be the partner I want him to be. He may want to offer me more, but he just isn't capable of it. You have to keep reminding yourself why you left. Make a list if you need to of all the reasons why this was not a good relationship for you and look at it anytime you have doubts. Trust your gut. Also know that this is going to take time to get past this and you just have to be patient. Keep coming back here for support. :-)

Felifel, your story sounds much like mine. Wishing he was the man of my dreams but just isn't and no matter how hard try I can't make it be that way. He is a good person, but just can't be the supportive giving man I need and want. I keep thinking maybe if we try it one more time, but been there and done that. It was horrible going through the drama of the infidelity - I hope this isn't as bad.

I know what you mean, tcl. My ex is a good person too with a good heart. Unfortunately, he is just not a good husband. Although I am sure he doesn't want to let me down, his bad judgement continues to be his weakness. As much as I care for him, I love myself enough to know I deserve better. That's why we are better as friends.

Here is a quote that my therapist shared with me:
Just because somebody doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with everything they got

Ask yourself, "Can I accept him the way he is if he doesn't change?" Because chances are he won't change.

Know that the breakup will be hard. You just lost your friend/partner of 15 years. It's a big change and it's is going to hurt like hell, I'm not gonna lie. But it does get better with time. You will hear this a lot because it's true. It also beats the hell out of always feeling the anxiety of wondering what he is up to and if he's lying to you once again. That will make you lose your mind. Starting new can be exciting but also very scary. Feel free to message me whenever.

Thank you again. I needed to hear exactly that right now.

Felifel is so on the money here. My ex cheated on me with a prostitute and never fessed up..made up a story..and the anxiety of what he was up to and if he was lying was so great that it eroded every shred of anything good we had. We tried for two years after that ..on and off again..over and over. Tcl your story sounds just like mine. We tried so many times and today I'm feeling nostalgic for all the good times. When we are apart I miss him, when we are together I always felt it wasn't quite right..there were things I needed that this relationship would NEVER give me. I can't live with that kind of emptiness in my life. Once trust is broken, it's hard to repair the relationship. Breaking up is also a tough road because you always wonder and miss all the good things that made you fall in love with them in the first place. Felifel gives me hope that I will one day feel peace with my choice. I have moments where I do see clearly but then I'm back to feeling nostalgic again later on, but I'm only on day 27 of no contact. You know in your heart and gut what is right for you...I think we fear the unknown more than anything and staying safe with what you know is better than risking a life of loneliness.

I will say that I feel myself blossoming in ways I could not have done had I stayed. I know this in my heart..that the best of me is yet to come. My self-respect is growing by leaps and bounds and I will never let someone make me feel less than again.

Someone told me once that if I loved this man so much- then I needed to accept what he was capable of giving. I thought about that..and decided that I couldn't settle. You must answer that question and make a choice because living a life of uncertainty..year after year...will lead to a life full of regret.

This site has been a blessing and you will find a lot of comfort here. Message me as well, anytime.

Oh, thank you. So good to hear my own thoughts and fears reflected and understood. Your right abut feeling for the good times, but its not been quite right when you are together. so true. I wrote a letter to the other woman tonight just to get some things off my chest - very therapeutic, but I don't think I would ever send it. Felt good to get the words out though. I've been feeling slightly nauseated over all this these last few days - wish that would go away. This site is a blessing.

Some people waffle back and forth about splitting up, and even after they do split up they question whether it was really the right thing to do. Other people know beyond a doubt that getting out of the relationship is the right thing to do, and they do it and never look back. My opinion, for what it's worth, is to hang in until you know beyond a doubt that you need to leave. Second guessing yourself is no way to live.

Hey there tcl

First off, welcome to this wonderful site - you will find many wonderful people here all wanting to help. It is like a big family here:)

So natural and human to want to give it one more go - shows that you have been doing your best to try and make it work. You do reach a point where you seriously have to ask yourself if it would make any difference to "try again." Relationships are built on trust, and once that trust is broken, it can be very difficult to trust again, even though you may try very hard - there is always the doubt, the uncertainty. Also, the things we try and change are always possible to change. People are as they are and if something is just not compatible in a relationship, it will never change unless the other person is really willing. It may also be you are asking them to be something they are not, and you may also have to come to terms with that.

But there are many positives believe it or not. You only have one life, and if it is not working with your current partner, staying in an untenable relationship will adversely affect you in the long run. This is not fair on you or them. However, there IS somebody out there who is exactly what you want, and if you set your mind on the qualities you want, you will start to attract that exact sort of person into your life. The reason we feel stuck in these situations many times is out of a sense of comfort - at least it sort of feels comfortable, even though we have these problems. What if I leave and I don't find anyone else? We then have a whole bunch of other negative what ifs come to rain on our parade soon after, and we feel more stress, eventually leading feeling unsatisfied and more unhappy in the future. This is only being half alive. No easy way round this, sorry to say, but it is the truth. Ask yourself if you can genuinely change it or not and be brutally honest with yourself. If the answer is no, then take steps to move on. I hope this clarifies things for you. God bless x

As I attempt to respond I see this reminder off to the side to remain positive and helpful. At the bottom it states I do promise to be nice. As I consider this I really wonder what that means. Generally speaking, I can only conclude that other people find things helpful, positive, and nice when they hear or read things that are in agreement with the viewpoints they already have, but then again, some things that are helpful aren't the things we'd like to hear so I vacillate in whether I should even respond or not. Take what I have to say with a grain of salt since we're all different and as I see it doesn't mean it's the only way to see it.

Brief history of my situation so you can see where I'm coming from. I'll be 58 this month. My wife divorced me at age 49 after 29 years of marriage. Three sons, five grandchildren, a family that has become torn.

I've read through the other responses so I'll try to group it all in this one response.

You mention infidelity, which biblically is one of two reasons that God accepts divorce even though in Malachi he states, "For I hate divorce." While there was no infidelity in my situation, I would have to assume it is very difficult to deal with. His infidelity was a human mistake he made, (a rather bad one too). You stating that you haven't trusted since shows harboring resentment and lack of forgiveness and acceptance, which is a weakness on your part. The thing with marriage is two imperfect people co-existing with visions of excellance, which is just that, a vision. While we may be more compatible with another, there is never that perfect mate or perfect relationship.

When the bible states that the two shall become one, I view it this way. I'll use two plates of steel as symbolic of two people. You can take two plates of steel and weld them together, (serious dating), and later grind the weld off, (a breakup), and you have your two plates of steel again. But when you marry the two becoming one involves a fusion. You've taken these two plates of steel and melted them down to a liquid, poured the liquid into a mold and allowed to cool. The mechanical properties of the two steels are now interspersed, becoming one, incapable of separating back to the original two plates which divorce tries to do. Inherent problems pop up all over the place. In essence, you're divorcing yourself.

My ex left me for what she called her 'soulmate'. We lasted 29 years, she lasted 4 years with her 'soulmate'. Grass is greener right? As we get older the people that are available have a history and a past which is now called 'baggage' instead of life experiences. The likelihood of finding another that is easier to deal with is debatable considering there will be MORE to deal with. If you feel you need to end the marriage at least don't base it upon the premise that you'll find another that makes all your dreams come true. You state you've been dreaming of ending it for quite some time so this sounds like you've already thrown the towel in and you continue to reinforce the decision rather than to look inside yourself to find solutions to the difficulties. Do you not see how common your situation is? Albert Einstein stated, "Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed." This scenario is much too common and many families pay the price for it being so.

What is the difference between reminding yourself why you left and reminding yourself why you stuck it out? The end result of course. I spoke with a woman who stated her husband has been just impossible for the last three years of a 21 year marriage so she left him. 3 out of 21 is 14% of the time it wasn't good and 86% of the time it was good, or okay at least. The 14% won out, why is that? She didn't know if the marriage would turn in another year and be good for another 30 years no more than she knew starting from scratch is the best thing to do. Why do we choose to run instead of grow through our difficulties and become a stronger couple by doing so?

felifel stated, "Here is a quote that my therapist shared with me:
Just because somebody doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with everything they got

I think of the Greek words for love. Agape, eros, philia, and storge. It's too bad we all can't fall into that agape state but generally speaking I find more men with the philia type and more women with the eros type. The problem is ongoing, an eros type doesn't recognize the love given by a philia type since they don't view love that way, even though the philia is DOING what they perceive love to be. As it is, many feel unloved simply because they aren't receiving their type, but they are being loved nonetheless.

felifel also stated, "Ask yourself, "Can I accept him the way he is if he doesn't change?" Because chances are he won't change"

Can you accept him if he doesn't change? Will you be able to accept the next person who doesn't change? It will happen again you know. There is not another you. Acceptance has to be part of the equation no matter who you are with.

This has gotten long. I'll try to close by just saying infidelity is sanctioned by God as a reason for divorce, (if that is of concern to you), so you are free biblically to do so. Many have spoken of dreaming of that ideal mate but I guess my dreams differ. I dreamt of sitting on the portico with the grill going and all the great grandchildren playing in the front yard, sharing the experience with the one I love and pro-created all those present with. My vision of life has ended never to be again. I've dated four women since the divorce but who are they? Who are their kids? What would our future really be like and then inheritance issues pop up. It's just a mess. In the last nine years I've probably spoken a dozen sentences with my ex even though we both attend our grandchildren's sporting events over the years either sitting far apart or at least her dad between the two of us. Last Wednesday at our grandson's baseball game she offered to buy me a piece of pizza. ????? What's this act of kindness and consideration? Has regrets eaten away at her? Considering how she lives now to how we used to live, she'd be inhuman not to feel the losses. We had it made, now we're both next to destitute. Changes don't guarantee improvement. Look before you leap.

It may not sound like it but I really do wish you well. I really do hope you make the decision that brings you the greatest amount of peace. Your situation is very different from mine but I don't think there are many divorced people who don't struggle in more than one area. I just happen to struggle in every area since so I have to agree with God in Malachi, "I hate divorce."

welcome to the site. There is alot of support here. A very healing place.

Thanks larry. Thoughts to consider for sure. When I said I've been dreaming about leaving, its not hat I haven't tried or been trying - he refuses to discuss problem areas in our relationship so that we can resolve them - says that I'm complaining and just looking for trouble - his way of dealing with problems is to ignore them. In the meantime, I've learned that he's corresponding with his fling again. I'm torn between wanting to preserve the family and the "comfort" of that with. There is no trust - even after we got back to together last time I found him having a conversation on line with her. I don't feel like I have a partner and am struggling with should I stay and feel disrespected and betrayed, knowing that he is not being true or trying, or do I move on. I should add that the became a much better father after we broke up last time - spent little time with our son before hand and never went to school meetings and couldn't get enough of him once we were apart. Didn't take long for things to go back the way we were once we reunited.

Thanks thilpass. I am really not interested in finding someone else at this point. Just looking for peace and contentment. I feel so stressed out all the time and have tried talking to him about how to make things better for both of us, but he shuts me down and tells me I'm looking for trouble and just complaining. I just need to figure out if I need or want to keep trying.

Hi again tcl18,

After reading your post # 13 it sounds like your husband has fallen to the ole ego trip by having another want him. My ex did much the same and it's hard to compete with the "new" affection they've come across. You and I are old hats while the newcomer springs new life into their messed up view of what they think they want or need. Even a monkey doesn't let go of one vine before another is firmly in their grasp.

If you stay I can only wonder what it is you're staying in. I am surprised at myself by actually thinking you should leave the guy. He's left you already, you didn't end what you two had, he did. You're holding onto remnants of what was and not acting upon what is. It sucks to have our dreams shattered, but it simply happens.

I'm sorry you're going through this, it's hard, very hard. I was reading the other day that most of our lives are dictated by very few moments. A very few moments determine how life is going to be for several years to come. You've hit one of the moments it seems and I hope you're decision sets you on a path that brings brighter days.