Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
Last week my boyfriend broke up with me. I had a feeling something was not right, but he wouldn't be straightforward...a lot of "I dunnos" and "I'm not sure." In the end, I found out that he was back on the dating website where we met. I asked if he was just going to let things go on like this between us until he met someone new. He didn't really answer the question. He's just not the type, I guess, to just say something...maybe doesn't like the confrontation? Regardless, the end result was a break up.
Of course, I am really sad about this whole thing (break ups are never easy, especially for the dumpee). And most people who have ever experienced a break up wonders how and when to move on.
So I guess that's my question. How do you move on? When should you move on? I know the answer is different for everyone. I keep turning on my online dating profile, then turning it off again. I guess it's because I know he is looking for someone new, and maybe I think it's not fair and want someone new too. But at the end of the day, I don't really want someone new...I want him.
So when to start dating again? When you are completely over your ex? (and goodness knows how long that will take), when you are starting to feel better, even if you're not 100%?
I simply don't know.
Any thoughts or experiences to share?
Thanks everyone.
Of course, I am really sad about this whole thing (break ups are never easy, especially for the dumpee). And most people who have ever experienced a break up wonders how and when to move on.
So I guess that's my question. How do you move on? When should you move on? I know the answer is different for everyone. I keep turning on my online dating profile, then turning it off again. I guess it's because I know he is looking for someone new, and maybe I think it's not fair and want someone new too. But at the end of the day, I don't really want someone new...I want him.
So when to start dating again? When you are completely over your ex? (and goodness knows how long that will take), when you are starting to feel better, even if you're not 100%?
I simply don't know.
Any thoughts or experiences to share?
Thanks everyone.
How long did you two date?
How old are you both?
What type of relationship was it?
Before I can give my opinion I need to know.
Dated for 5 months (which I know a lot of people would just scoff at and say that that wasn't a relationship, just get over it....but feelings are feelings).
It was a relationship. Spent a lot of time at his house, even when he was at work and had to work a late shift, I would be at his house. Met his parents.
Many people, not all, but many people who are looking for a real relationship, and think they are in one, go all in and invest their interest, feelings etc. So when it ends, its tough. No one should tell you different. I have started to date after my ex and there were a couple of those gals I wanted a long term relationship with, so I went in to it with my eyes focused on that and acted in that manner. So when things started to go South, I was semi-crushed or at least sad, hurt and disappointed. I really wanted that with them.
So I, and many others, will get it. So stop explaining or justifying your feelings.
However, he didn't reciprocate. He may have been looking the whole time still. So unfortunately, while you were putting it "all in" he was testing waters possibly.
I know its hard, but at least you found out in the first few months instead of years later.
When to start dating again? I suspect you will know when you are ready. Activating and deactivating your profile, was much like me. I just wasn't wanting to meet anyone else just yet. Which turned in to me not even wanting to date. Ive lost interest. Although, I so want someone to share my life with, I just don't know anymore either.
Welcome to the group.
Anyway... When to date again? I think there is no formula for anyone. It is the REASON why you want to date again. If you want to date again because you feel lonely then that is wrong. If you want to date again because it will help you get over your ex, that is wrong.
Face your feelings head on and start doing things for yourself. What is it that makes you happy on your own? What are the things that fills you up inside?
For me it is my daughter, movies, writing, working, and exercising. For my brother it is making money. For my best friend it is going out and scoring with a lot of women. Everyone is different and we should never judge anyone for it.
So take this break from dating as a very valuable moment to figure out what makes you happy without sharing it with someone and leaning on someone.
BTW we are the same age. I am also 36 and in the best shape of my life, healthier than ever, and as optimistic as I have ever been. It all started when i decided to let go of dating in the full sense of the word. I decided to work on myself. That was 4 months ago after my break up. I joined a gym and it is my best therapy. I still go to traditional therapy but once a month now. 4 months ago it was once a week.... I am currently dating a girl but taking it VERY VERY slow. She is really nice and we click like you can't believe. But I still have a lot of ground to cover in my growth so I am focused more on myself than her or a relationship.
My advice for you is to work on you. Grow in your job or carreer. Grow in your intellect. EXERCISE as much as you can. Travel if you can as much as you can. In the past 4 months I already had 2 trips and am going on a weekend getaway in a couple of weeks. IT feels great to do these things for yourself because you learn to love yourself so so so much.
Dating is overated once you learn to be alone.
Casual dating with no room for romance and just to meet and have a good time (no sex) and have great conversation is GREAT and I highly recommend it. That is what I was doing until this girl came along. So now I am spending 90% of my time working on me and my daughter... and 10% of my time with her. Like I said taking it slow and still concentrating on ME.
Ask yourself:
1- What do I want to do with my life RIGHT NOW?
2- What are some things I have left on the back burner which I can start again and make it happen?
3- How is my health? Am I an active person or can I improve on this and take up a sport or gym or running everyday?
4- What do I love to do but never do when I have a boyfriend?
5- How is my spiritual life? Do I have God in my heart or can I improve on this?
6- Do I read enough or can I improve on this?
7- VERY IMPORTANT: Am I happy with where I am careerwise? What can I do to improve on this?
8- Am I happy with myself or does my value depend on who I am with? (Society makes us believe that we can only be happy with someone. That it is the correct thing to do to be with a partner. This is SO wrong in so many ways)
SEE? There are so many things we need to work on WITHOUT haveing someone. In all the things I mentioned there is NO need to have a partner. Actually it is better not to have one because you are more focused and stronger to be able to do them.
I am sorry for your breakup. It doesn't matter if it was a week or 10 years... a breakup is a breakup and they suck. They hurt. They break us. But it is up to us to get back up. Mourning period is important and finding ourseselves again is very important after a breakup. We change each time and after each relationship we need to figure out what has changed in us and how we have grown. Take your time to do this for yourself. The future you will thank you for it.
Blessings and best of luck in everything.