You're breaking a habit it's just like withdrawal. My wife split after 24 years and the early going was hell. The worst of the worst. I got some anti depressants and Xanax to help cope. I also joined a gym which really helped to just do some cardio and sweat it out.

As time goes on it gets easier bit by bit. It's a slow process but for me after 14 months it's a lot better. I dated a little but stopped pretty quickly as that wasn't what I really wanted. Now I'm happier alone with less stress and no arguing and dealing with her drama. She's someone else's headache now. I'm still not looking to date, just like hanging out, going to the driving range, spending time with my daughter etc...

Read this guide it really helped me in the early days
Www.breakuprecoveryguide.com
Take care

TY Kbbcoop77 for your words. I will check out the website. TY. I agree with you regarding the toxic relationship and the headaches are gone.

I'm so glad to hear that things are gotten better for you. As the saying goes in time this will pass. It's that journey that we have to walk to get to the other side.

Take care of yourself also

I'm going through it now, toomuch. My ex and I were together for 5 years and we literally were like two peas in a pod- we did everything together and took care of each other. Now I find myself in a similar position as you. I'm so anxious I feel like I'm suffocating to death. But kudos to you for leaving and breaking the habit of staying for fear of being alone. It's not a fun feeling so you must be really strong to have been able to let go. It is much harder when you don't have money, especially since a partner often helps with joint accounts/bills etc... but eventually it will get easier, even if it doesn't feel like it now. Sometimes you have no choice but to just hang on tight and wait for better days, sometimes you can't rush the process of a painful break-up. You will get through!

This is a great video called How to Be Alone: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k7X7sZzSXYs

This is a good book on self care: The Art of Extreme Self Care by Cheryl Richardson. You might see if your library has it. I found one for next to nothing on ebay. It's meant to be done over a 12 month period of time. Each chapter is short w/great 'to do' suggestions, many of which only require an investment of time and effort.

I get the part about not being able to get motivated. It takes time. So here are some of the things I did that worked. Know that it will take time to heal.

Therapy - Find a qualified therapist who can help you through the grieving process. Grief will manifest itself in the ways you described, as well as other ways. A therapist can also help you to get you reacquainted with yourself again. You might find that you have forgotten about the things you used to love to do. Finding your passion is a great way to restart your life. You also might consider group therapy in addition to individual sessions. In addition, there is a national divorce recovery group that I found helpful (but not as a replacement for therapy). it's very inexpensive and some places offer 'scholarships.' It's called Rebuilding www.rebuilding.org.

I was where you are, only I left after almost 4 decades. I stayed because I was afraid to be alone and that I wouldn't make it on my own. Like you, I was terrified. I literally had no local friends. There were no support groups. And I ended up living on less than half of what I was used to. This sure wasn't how I imagined I would be spending my golden years!!!!

In addition to therapy, here are just a few of the things that have dramatically changed my life:

Gratitude - this is something you can do every day for free. Keep a daily gratitude list and put at least 3 things a day on it. More, if possible. Increase the number of things on it as often as you can. I started and stopped this a bunch of times. There were times that the only thing I was grateful for was waking up in the morning and even then, there were days that I wasn't so grateful for even that. But I kept trying. It's not just about the typical things, like a roof over your head and a car that runs. It's really about the little things. A rainbow, hearing the birds chirping or a child laughing. It truly is the little things that count. This leads to...

What we focus on expands - if we focus on the negative, it will become the only thing we see. (believe me, I was there too) And like attracts like, so we'll end up w/others who mostly focus on the negative. So, instead, focus on the positive (i.e. the more find thing to be grateful for, the more you'll start seeing the positives in life). And we will attract more and more positive people and things into our lives. It really works if you practice it every day. Anthony DeMello says, in his book, The Way to Love, that the reason we are unhappy is because we are focusing on what we don't have instead of what we do have. That brings us to...

BE in the here and now - we have exactly what we need at any given moment. The past is over and the future hasn't happened yet. All we really have is the now.

Meditation and/or guided imagery. There is lots of free stuff on the internet.

Remember, it takes time and you're just starting out. So love yourself and give yourself the gift of time and healing...

TY broken pie. My heart goes out to you.

I do have incredible strength, I just forget how much. When we are in the middle of unhappiness we forget all the positive things about ourselves.

Keep talking and find a great counselor. We all walk a journey of life. It's the lesson that we have to make sure we learned from them.

TY True colors! my hat is off to you! After 4 decades you conquered one the biggest fears.

TY for your words of wisdom. I haven't gotten much done today at work. I cannot focus or function.

I will look into that book. Let's home that I have the strength to work with it.

toomuch, it's taken me several years and some really intense therapy to get where I am now. (was married to a highly dysfunctional alcoholic who hid the alcoholism for years.) Healing isn't linear. Healing, at best, is zig zag, up & down, side to side and two steps forward and one back. Remember, tho, you never fall back as far as you were when you started.

I still struggle with the motivation problem. One thing that helps is to not blame or berate yourself. Instead, nurture yourself as you would a small child who is parent-less. Also take the time to get to know yourself again. Start out by finding fun things to do. Color, finger paint, play with play-dough, etc. That can help your creative juices start flowing. :-)

I couldn't have said it half as well as MyTrueColors!

Just stick with it, day by day.

Hugs.