Oh where to start... I suppose from the beginning. I met my husband when I was 15 years old. We met through some mutual friends that we had and we both were new to our town. We hit it of hot and heavy from the jump. I was hung up on a boy from the previous town I lived in and my (now) husband helped me get over that. We were best friends. Did everything together. I started to "friend zone" him and he wasn't having it, so he decided to make me jealous by beginning to talk to another girl. Well needless to say, it worked and from then on out we were a couple.

Flash forward a few years and we are the couple everyone wants to be. The only thing is that no one knows the dark secrets that went on behind closed doors. He cheated about a year after our relationship had started. Started to become physically, mentally and emotionally abusive. He always said he would be "smart enough" to never leave any marks on me. Never would hit me in the face, but would punch me in the back, or the back of my head. There was a time when he got mad because I threw somthing away in the bathroom garbage that "was kitchen garbage". I was so terrified that I had curled up on the floor while he repeatedly snapped me on the back with a bath towel. So at 16 years old, I decided to remove myself from the situation. Never told a soul why. After 2 weeks, he convinced me that it would never happen again and how desparately he needed me in his life.

So here we are almost 10 years from the beginning of it all. I am now 25. We have a 7 year old son. He has an addiction to alcohol, drugs, and prescription pills. Over the last several years, I have put on a front that everything was peachy and that we had an amazing life. We had gotten married almost 4 years ago, bought our first home, got our first dog. We both have great jobs that financially provide the lifestyle we want to live. Our son is healthy and smart and the most kind hearted little human you could ever meet.

But over the last few years, the drinking and abusive behavior got worse. He would "go out" practically every night after work and not show back up until the next morning when I would be leaving for work. He became obsessive over having and wanting to breed dogs that at one point we had 6 big dogs that I was taking care of while he was either working or going out to party. Everytime I would mention being unhappy and wanting to leave, I would either get accused of cheating or talking to another man. I would be told that there was no reason for me to be unhappy. That "he was providing for our family and paying the majority of the bills", so why shouldn't he be allowed to go out and blow off steam.

This time last year, things took a turn for the worse. His drinking was nonstop. He started to hang out with a pretty "rough" crowd, versus the people he worked with. He got into doing street drugs and abusing his prescription anxiety pills. There were many nights that I really wondered how he made it home alive or didn't overdose. I finally got him to admit his problem to me and he swore he would get it under control. So I went back to ignoring his behavior until it became extremely noticeable again. He stopped helping with finances and keeping track of his money. I would have to get into his account to pay the bills that he normally paid each paycheck before he could blow the money on whatever he was doing. To this day I have never really gotten 100% of the truth and I really don't want it. I finally had had enough, and decided to pack mine and my son's things up one day when he was at work. I left a letter on the table and was gone before he got home from work. We went to stay at my aunt's home. That night he got home from work and saw the letter. I got every threat under the sun that he was going to kill me and come after my family. That I was wrong for taking his son away. That he was going to kill himself if I didn't come home because he could not live without me. After 5 days, he was so out of his mind that I ended up getting authorities involved which got him admitted to the hospital for detox. After detox, I took him to an inpatient rehab facility. He was there for 22 days before they successfully discharged him. He was home 2 days before Christmas. Swore to me that he would stay sober and everything would be different if I came home to be with him. So I did.

He made it 6, almost 7 months completely clean and sober. However, slowly but surely I could tell things were starting to slip. I was back to being his caretaker and making sure he got up for work on time. Kept the house clean, food on the table, dogs taken care of, etc. He literally did not have to do anything but get up and go to work then come home. He started to spend time in our garage on his phone instead on spending quality time with me and/or our son. Then I noticed that he was acting different. His pyschiatrist put him back on the same type of anxiety medications that he was on before rehab. He claimed he would be able to handle it. The the temper started to make its appearance again. He still has not hit me, but he has acted out and thrown things. Ripped our mailbox off the house and tossed it across our yard one night. Flipped our mattress up off the frame towards me during an argument. I knew I had had enough. I was tired of being subjected to his behavior and more so tired of our son seeing it. He told him once when my husband said to him "Daddy is leaving because Mommy treats me like crap.", that "No, you are the one who treats my mom like crap.". It absolutely broke my heart.

So when I made the decision to leave, I asked my son.."Would you rather see mommy and daddy split up and try to get along better or us stay together and you listen to us fight?". He broke down in tears and told me he would rather us leave because he was tired of hearing us fight. So I knew what I had to do. I called my mom and finally told her everything that had been going on. She offered me the spare room in her apartment, so my son and I went. I wasn't concered that we would be sharing a room. He has always been a "momma's boy" and I coslept with him as a baby/toddler. So he likes to snuggle up with me in bed.

We left and my husband flipped out. Said I had no reason to leave. That flipping the mattress wasn't that serious. That he had not "laid hands on me". I ended up getting an emergency order of protection because of his threats towards me. I dropped it at the end of the emergency time frame and did not push for the plenary. He started to back off with his threats, but was upset about me leaving. Would cry and beg for "one more chance". That it would all be different this time. That I had "made my point" and he knew I was serious.

He admitted to abusing his medications. Then after one night of having a heated argument, he relapsed on alcohol as well. He got back on the wagon with his sponsor the very next day and has been staying up with his program ever since. I can tell he is making changes, but it is like it has no affect on my heart anymore. I feel so mentally checked out that I don't want to be in that relationship whether the change sticks or not. We started working on sharing custody of our son, and that was going great. He was starting to finally build a relationship with him that should have been there all along. We were getting along better separated and I felt strong again emotionally. Then one night, my son was staying the night with the babysitter because she is a family friend and treats my son like one of her own. He told her that it feels more like home at her house than it does at Nana's. ("Nana" is my mom) It tore my heart to pieces and made me question if I had really chose the right thing.

So needless to say, I moved back home. Not because I wanted to be there. But because my son wanted to be back home. My husband wanted me back home. All the wrong reasons. But I really figured maybe if I stuck around long enough to see if he was actually changing this time, that I could fall back in love. He tells me I need to "let go" of the past and the bad things he has done and start seeing him for the new person he is trying to be. But its hard to do that becaus it's not like he just forgot to take the garbage out or put his socks in the laundry basket. There was real trauma there. Hitting, choking, slapping, threatening my life, etc. So I honestly don't know if I really can let it go and move on with him and find happiness with him again.

I met someone else while I was moved out and started talking to this guy. He was sweet and funny and respectful towards me. When I moved back home, I was honest with my husband about it and he asked me "What that guy had that he didn't". I was honest when I told him that it was nice to talk with someone who hasn't ever cause me any sort of pain. I agreed to cut it off with that guy and swore it would not be a problem. But it has been only a couple of days and honestly, I miss the other person. I miss that feeling of excitement I would get when I would get a text from him. I said I would cut it off but I messed that up today by texting the guy. Nothing has ever happened between us, because one thing I swore I would never be was a cheater. Even though my husband cheated at the very beginning of our relationship and also 3 months before we got married. I said the guy "wouldn't be a problem", but I am starting to think that I wasn't very truthful with that statement.

I wish I knew what to do or what decisions to make. I am so lost and confused.