Breakups & Divorce Support Group

Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.

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siouxdax 06/10/2011

It's been a couple/three months since my OFFICIAL breakup with Jacob. For a while I was angry, and it subsided, but for some reason it's back. I do know that it was partially sparked back up when a guy I approached (maybe for friends, maybe for more) found out that he worked with Jacob, and of course asked Jacob all about me. The guy sent me an email saying that he is siding with Jacob. For me, it was a big deal for about a day, but then I realized that he's not worth my time if he's not able to form his own opinion and is relying on an ex to tell him all about me. Of course Jacob's not going to have much good to say, especially considering the circumstances of our breakup.

So, barring that, I'm back in the anger phase and I just don't know how to get over it and move on. Whenever I lie down I immediately start thinking about Jacob, and how he totally f***ed with my life and left me for dead, metaphorically speaking. I think about all of the things I want to say to him, but I refuse to contact him. I thought I had said everything to him, thought I got everything out. I guess I didn't. Of course I still have unanswered questions. I just get so incensed that I wind up not being able to get any rest. If you have a look at my profile, you'll see that I'm in poor health, both physically and mentally, so I really can't take what others may be able to handle more easily. Honestly, he's dominating my thoughts. There's so much anger and pain that I even sometimes think about physically hurting him (though that would never happen). What complicates this more is that there is a part of me that still misses him, even still a part of me that gets turned on by thinking about him. That part disturbs me. I know it's just a remnant of being with him, but still...

So any advice that you all may have is much appreciated. I very much want to heal and move on, and relegate him to my past permanently. I hope I'm providing enough information. My past posts are mostly about him, so looking into those may supplement this post. Thank you in advance for any help you may have to offer.

siouxdax 06/10/2011

Beardyman: It sure doesn't feel like a choice or decision. It feels automatic. I lie down or something, and boom, it's there. The anger, pain, etc. I just can't shake it.

deleted_user 06/13/2011

I read that holding a grudge or being angry with someone is like drinking poison in the hopes they will fall ill. It just doesn't work. I was very angry too, and i still have to live with him for 2 more months and behave in front of the children. It was very hard to do, and even though i am still angry, i know he isn't bothered by it, so why should i expend the energy? There is nothing i can do to change his mind, and even though he's a selfish prick, there isn't anything i can say to cure him. it really is a choice, you just have to be aware of it.
I hope you find some peace of mind.

deleted_user 06/13/2011

Well it sounds like you are stuck in that phase.. I want to get to that stage!! I have yet to be angry and i need to!!! I am sad all the time. Even when i hear somethnig that might piss me off i just get sad!! Urgh! It is frustrating!!

deleted_user 06/14/2011

I have never, ever heard of a tried and true method to abbreviate any of the phases that we go through at these times....that the only way around them is through them.

If you have friends, talk to them...if you have a therapist, go to them...get some books on breakups/anger/grief. We must grieve the loss and grieve it completely lest we will be stunted in the recovery process.

These are my beliefs; take what you like and leave the rest.

deleted_user 06/14/2011

This may sound sadistic, but embrace the Anger stage. It was so much easier being angry that grieving the loss.

I found that anger motivated me into action. I started focusing on my life, my needs, and finding solutions. A big F you to the stbx. I think I'm waffling between anger and acceptance, actually. Embrace it.

siouxdax 06/14/2011

Even though I hate this phase, I have embraced it, knowing it is a phase that I have to go through. The past couple of days have been a bit easier, but I think I still have more to deal with before this part is over. The part I really detest is the conversation(s) I have in my head; all of the things I would have liked to have said, but didn't for one reason or another. Even if I did say those things to him now, they would just fall on deaf ears. Despite Tulsa having a large gay community, it's just small enough that I run into people that know him, so it's sometimes difficult to avoid hearing tidbits now and then. I just keep reminding myself that it's only a matter of time before I am able to move on.

deleted_user 06/14/2011

Ativan & Zanax work wonders.....:( sorry but, its the truth.....I was angry even when he would try to be nice after he left but, I was soooo hurt!! now I have to calmly medicate myself. Hope it gets better for you.

deleted_user 06/14/2011

Don't go with pharmaceuticals.... just keep embracing the changes and move your way through it. It is a process, and to grow you have to go through each stage. I seem to be gradually moving out of the anger stage. I still have rage from time to time, but not like it was for almost the past year.

I also think it felt automatic, and I hated myself for feeling that way, but eventually I just let myself feel it, and now two months after moving out the rage is beginning to subside.

This is just my opinion, but using prescription drugs is cowardly. At some point you have to face what you are feeling, in order to grow. You are doing great Siouxdax... just hang in there.

I think I'm the same as Bewildered... floating between Anger and Acceptance.... hopefully Grace is waiting for us all somewhere! lol

siouxdax 06/14/2011

As far as medications are concerned, I'm on enough already, if you'll have a look at my profile. I have Addison's disease and its satellite problems. I'm already on citalopram, which just puts a chemical cloud over my head, making me numb to just about everything. I hardly ever cry because of that medication. Somehow I'm still able to feel love and anger.

deleted_user 06/14/2011

If the anger is supposed to be a phase, it must be a phase that repeats and repeats. Just when I think I'm done with disappointment that what I wanted didn't work out and over the anger that he will not admit any responsibility for the problems, I wake up the next morning upset all over again. Yes, I asked him to leave the house because of his fits of temper but he's the one who filed for the divorce while he was talking to me about going to counseling to get back together. Now that the divorce is done (and he didn't "win" monetarily) he is blaming me for the whole thing. I just keep hoping I'll wake up one morning and find that I feel nothing for him one way or the other.
The anger, pain and disappointment isn't a choice. Apparently, it is a process. I hope it improves for you, sioux.

siouxdax 06/14/2011

djeffries: Thank you. It's comforting to know that I'm not alone in this, and that others realize I'm not choosing to feel this way. I'll just chalk it up to the idea that bigger wars result in bigger recovery. Again, thank you. :)

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