Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
The balance of power has shifted and he is in control now. I love him and he knows it. He says he loves me too but he does not see a future for us as husband and wife. He wants me to leave him alone. I felt that way, and once alone I realized how much I loved him. He might or might not come to the same conclusion but my instinct is still to care for him and protect him. He has surrounded himself with bad people, and I'm scared for him.
He has decided to blame me, and I blame myself. If I had prevented him from cheating on me, from attacking me, from hurting me so very much then we would still be together and happy. I hurt for him so much, so much more than I hurt for me. I forgive his actions but I cant forgive my own.
I am so pained that I hurt a person I love, even if my actions were only born of my own pain. I cannot consider myself. I cannot forgive myself for letting my marriage fall apart. My family was the entire world to me, and I feel like I might have lost it forever.
Rather than just accept that we didnt give each other what we needed, there is anger and malice. He is still seeing his mistress and it kills me. He is angry at me for the household goods I took when I moved out. He will not see me and rarely talks to me. He wants me to hurt like I hurt him, and I feel like we will go back and forth on this roller coaster forever.
I know my only chance of happiness with or without him is to forgive myself, but I don't know how. I have been selfish, and unloving. There is no excuse for that. I hurt him by self destructing and then by trying to protect myself. When I hear his pain, and his point of view it guts me. I know I was in pain too but I feel like all his actions are justified by his pain, and I cant give myself the same concession.
How do I forgive myself for the things Ive done?
He has decided to blame me, and I blame myself. If I had prevented him from cheating on me, from attacking me, from hurting me so very much then we would still be together and happy. I hurt for him so much, so much more than I hurt for me. I forgive his actions but I cant forgive my own.
I am so pained that I hurt a person I love, even if my actions were only born of my own pain. I cannot consider myself. I cannot forgive myself for letting my marriage fall apart. My family was the entire world to me, and I feel like I might have lost it forever.
Rather than just accept that we didnt give each other what we needed, there is anger and malice. He is still seeing his mistress and it kills me. He is angry at me for the household goods I took when I moved out. He will not see me and rarely talks to me. He wants me to hurt like I hurt him, and I feel like we will go back and forth on this roller coaster forever.
I know my only chance of happiness with or without him is to forgive myself, but I don't know how. I have been selfish, and unloving. There is no excuse for that. I hurt him by self destructing and then by trying to protect myself. When I hear his pain, and his point of view it guts me. I know I was in pain too but I feel like all his actions are justified by his pain, and I cant give myself the same concession.
How do I forgive myself for the things Ive done?
The first thing you need to do to forgive yourself is to understand that
NOTHING he did is your responsibility. It doesn't matter if he blames you.
The late Wayne Dyer used to say if you don't like what you see, change how you see it. Maybe you can look at this as if you were looking at a picture backwards. Step back, turn it around and place the blame where it belongs - squarely on HIS shoulders.
For your own sanity, you need to let go of claiming responsibility and you need to let go of him althogether.
Remember that you have done the best you can with what you had at the time. And now you know better. When we know better, we have two choices, do better or stay where we are. The choice is yours.
By choosing to let him go, and placing the responsibility for his actions where it belongs - on him - you are taking your power back. Right now, you're right, he has all the power because you gave it to him. You can take it back whenever you want by changing how you see this.
Please stop beating yourself up, find a good therapist and give yourself whatever time you need to heal. IMHO, nothing less than that will help you to forgive & heal yourself.
~healing hugs~
The fact that he's blaming you proves his "love" for you isn't healthy and its certainly not unconditional. You deserve someone who holds himself accountable, takes responsibility for his actions and loves & respects you unconditionally.
Print this out and read it.
Does it make any sense at all?
I don't care if a gorgeous man showed up naked in the street....that's not an excuse for cheating. There is NOTHING in the world that my ex could have done to have made me cheat. (And vice versa...that wasn't our issue.) Nothing.
No one can make another person get sexually aroused and put body parts into another persons body. Nope.
And what's this stuff about you "making him attack you".
I have two kids. Annoying each other to the point of "making the other attack them" is almost a game.
NOPE. Doesn't fly. If someone annoys you...you leave. If they follow you as you're leaving...you leave (I have kids, they're getting older, but I've seen this stuff play out).
Responsibility rests on the one that wants to do the hitting. Period.
Men GET this. Taunting in football is an unsportsmanlike penalty. Hitting is ejection for the game.
Again, print it out. Would your mother be responsible if your dad cheated? Your sister? Your daughter?
Men are so weak that they're responsible for nothing that they do?
'I hurt him by self-destructing and then by trying to protect myself'. I actually understand that. For some reason, though I loved my partner dearly and it wasn't, in any way, a toxic relationship, it wasn't good for me. I still don't understand why, but I was not my best self when I was with him, with quite a bit of self-destructive behaviour. I finally began to withdraw to 'save myself'. All of this hurt him. But I had to do it, as much as we loved each other, there was something broken.
These conversations with him, and being reminded of his new relationship, are the very reason people advise no contact. It was the only thing that worked for me. And time.
Love and light :-)
Regardless of whether he was content in the relationship or not, that gives no one the right to cheat when they are in a committed relationship.
Learn to forgive yourself. Get counseling to get over your self destructive behaviors and thoughts. Learn to be happy again and most of all, leave him alone. Once a cheater, always a cheater!