Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
My husband is gone this weekend to our family home in the mountains with his mistress and her family. I have been distracting myself constantly not to focus on this fact, or the mind numbing pain associated with it. I am having trouble seeing myself ever moving on at this point. I am living in my new house trying to focus on friends and decorating and making it my own. I am also attending AA meetings.
He began this affair about a year ago and 6 months into it I had my own short affair, that he has been wounded by. He told me that he isn't sure he can forgive me, that he doesn't see a future with me. But, he told me he loves me very much and he would think about reconciling. I know during my affair it wasn't about hurting him so much as filling the void he left and soothing the pain from his loss. I feel he is doing the same thing now, he is soothing his pain from the trauma (real or imagined) of losing me.
I am desperately in love with him still. I am trying to treat him like a drug at this point. I have been sober for almost 48 hours now. No contact at all. I had a major meltdown yesterday, but today has been much better. I spoke to my doctor and changed my medication which has been taking the edge off.
I am angry that hes doing this to me, but I feel like I deserve it. The pain is almost unbearable, the loneliness palpable. I am most devastated by the fact that he also must have felt this way while I was having an affair, even though he began his first. Two wrongs don't make a right, and now I am reaping what I sowed.
I miss him. I love him. I don't know what to do or how to fix this. I know I cant fix or change him, but I don't know how to fix me. I am angry and disappointed in myself for my actions against the person I love. I know I can never hold on to love as long as I remain this way; angry, vindictive, hating myself.
He began this affair about a year ago and 6 months into it I had my own short affair, that he has been wounded by. He told me that he isn't sure he can forgive me, that he doesn't see a future with me. But, he told me he loves me very much and he would think about reconciling. I know during my affair it wasn't about hurting him so much as filling the void he left and soothing the pain from his loss. I feel he is doing the same thing now, he is soothing his pain from the trauma (real or imagined) of losing me.
I am desperately in love with him still. I am trying to treat him like a drug at this point. I have been sober for almost 48 hours now. No contact at all. I had a major meltdown yesterday, but today has been much better. I spoke to my doctor and changed my medication which has been taking the edge off.
I am angry that hes doing this to me, but I feel like I deserve it. The pain is almost unbearable, the loneliness palpable. I am most devastated by the fact that he also must have felt this way while I was having an affair, even though he began his first. Two wrongs don't make a right, and now I am reaping what I sowed.
I miss him. I love him. I don't know what to do or how to fix this. I know I cant fix or change him, but I don't know how to fix me. I am angry and disappointed in myself for my actions against the person I love. I know I can never hold on to love as long as I remain this way; angry, vindictive, hating myself.
the site below is not trite
we can all always make shitty choices that make us feel shitty
we all, each one of us, can choose to make choices that are good, we are creations of God, nature, whatever it is that you beleive
http://www.facebook.com/only1angelor/videos/736592639778931/?fref=nf
I think the no contact will be very healing for you, even if it is tough at first. I wish you well!
Yes, you had an extramarital relationship as well, but only after he had already done all of these things which hurt you. And as you said, you were separated from him at the time and he was with his mistress at the time. So I honestly think that you were acting on the standard he had already set.
Of course he wants for you to feel guilty, because he doesn't want to have to face his own guilt nor take responsibility for all he's done to you. He wants to have his cake and eat it too, well it doesn't work that way. He can't run out on you and then get angry with you and blame you. What he is doing is called blame shifting, and it is a classic CS technique in order to make you feel bad and let himself off the hook.
You deserve so much more than any of this! You don't deserve a partner that disrespects your vows to attempt to impregnate someone else! That alone would have made me leave, personally. However, then he carries on this affair but gets upset for you exploring another option while he is clearly checked out. As I said, no one falls out of love over night, but I would encourage you to focus on the ways he has disrespected you and realize that no one deserves to be treated the way he has done. He can only make you feel bad if you allow him to, so take the power out of his words. He is wrong in trying to make you feel that you did this awful thing to "innocent" old him. I think NO Contact is the best in most breakups, but especially in this case. When you get some distance from him and his destructive comments to you, it will be easier to see things clearly.
You are correct to treat him like a drug. I think some of your feelings are normal breakup feelings we all experience, as part of the withdrawal from the chemicals (dopamine, oxytocin, etc) that our partners once induced in us. It takes a while to get back to normal. That's why the no-contact rule works after a breakup, and breaking the no-contact rule and seeing the ex sets us back. It is like taking a hit from the drug we trying to kick.
You are doing the right things by keeping busy. It will take time to heal. As other posters pointed out, your husband was no angel. You are doing the right things to recover. Just keep doing what you're doing, post here, read posts, or journal. Those will all be helpful in your healing.
He can't forgive you for something he continues to do himself? To me, that's a cop out and I'm guessing he's using it to justify his own bad behavior. I would have a hard time believing he's considering reconciling if he's at your family home with his mistress and her family. Basically, he knows he can have his cake and eat it, too. He's keeping you as a safety net if things don't work out with her. She should realize that if he'll do it with her, he'll do it to her.
As painful as all of this must be, the best thing you could do is to dump him. We teach people how to treat us and you waiting at home for him is telling him that you will accept this behavior. You have to decide if him cheating on you is what you want and if you'll accept it. You're miserable now...I'm guessing that's not how you want to live.
I read once that the person in the relationship who cares the least has the most power. Right now he's got all the power. I encourage you to take it back.
Right now pain and betrayal are ruling you. Let the fog of that clear a bit and you'll make the right decision.