I'm sad for you, to love a drug addict has to be a form hell on earth,
I have no real experience so I won't dare to presume to offer Any advice
I hope the grace of God bathes you and your H, and the the right thing / best thing to do becomes clear

To live with someone who is addicted is to have to spend much of our energy anticipating their next move or waiting to see if that person will show up.

Start waking up in the morning, asking yourself what you really want for you, how you truly want to feel during the day, what you really need from life and what you'd truly enjoy giving. Then take small or big steps to move in that direction. Celebrate each victory.

This is your life, you have a light, special talents and a purpose.

If you'd like more guidance consider joining a codependency support group or picking up a book on codependency. We are all trained by society to be codependent in our relationships - being with a drug addict intensifies that mind set.

Be good to yourself!

thanks for your advice and insight. it is one of the best ive ever received. i did decide to end the marriage. i dont know why but i cant shake the feeling that there is something "more" out there for me. bec i am so full of love and giving. call it codependency, but with the right partner it becomes a deep loving relationship. but how do i forget those good loving feelings. even if they were built on lies? how do i forget him bringing me the extra blanket when i was cold. or running out for my sushi craving?

my husband was a functional heroin/opiate addict for 3 years. After he got clean, he just went to another addiction: having extra-marital sex, and lots of it (I recently just found out). It is hell, and unless they address the issues that cause the addictive behaviour they will never stop, perhaps just jumping from one addiction to another. You are doing the right thing by pursuing divorce. Counseling helped me wrap my head around all that. Good luck with finding YOURSELF. Addiction drags everyone down, not just the addict.

thanks catdance!
im so sorry to hear about that. i dont get what part of an addicts personality leads them to be ok with betrayal. i can keep a little secret, or even a small lie. My STBE actually called himself an "abuser". as if hes above being an addict. but we were together 10 yrs... how do u deal without having a "person"? even an addict... someone who on some level cares about the boring stuff, like a dentist appointment? someone to mmm at ur cooking. someone to tell a funny thing too. or bitch about the weather? rationally i am divorced from him. i refuse to sign up for that lifestyle. but emotionally, how do u not want that person in your life, who ultimately is a victim themselves. not to say they dont need to take responsibility but messing up their lives and not being normal isnt really what they want... at the core...

I know it is so hard to see them on their downward spiral. Are you getting divorced? Separated? Is there a reason you are still living with this person? (I assume you are living with them)

Someone said to me once, that you have to mourn the relationship. It's more than who the person is/was...it's exactly what you are talking about, it's the companionship, etc. That needs to be mourned too. It's not easy, I'm so terrified of that process, I just stay in the fear. BUT, I'm learning and baby steps help. This advice I'm passing on spends a lot of time in my mind, thought sharing would help. ((HUGS))

Though I have never been married to an addict, I was subjected to the abuse because my brother was an heroine addict for 35 years. Even after he eventually stopped at the age of 52, he was a defective person. After years of support, I completely cut off all contact when I realized he will always be a selfish inconsiderate jerk. My advice, the sooner you get out the better. There are too many good men out to put up with that. Good luck!!

I am so glad that you decided to leave. I just found out that there's a codependency support group on here which you may find helpful! I am married to a functioning addict (though he is limited to alcohol and pills due to his job), but they always find other addictions. Lies, cheating, etc. Unless they choose to break the cycle and address their root problems, nothing is going to change. As far as your question about what if they go into recovery - I think the only way to preserve your sanity is to make a clean break. Move on and know that the relationship is over for good, and don't consider a reconciliation. Even if he manages to get treatment and recover, addiction is a lifelong disease and he will always be battling it, most likely relaspsing, and repeating the cycle.

I am always trying to understand human nature. So some of my responses can be "way out there". Or people may scratch their head and ask "What the hell is this guy trying to say". I realize this.

But I am just believing alot now adays that we are like animals to a certain extent. It all depends on your religious beliefs and what not, but essentially we are animals in the animal kingdom. People with addictive personalities are "risk" takers. They are the type of people that aren't scared to try different things. They are aggressive and tend to have charming personalities. See, I think technology and modernization has caught up way to quickly with the human species. We live in a civilized society where there isn't much risks to take anymore. We have cars, houses, transporation, places to eat (fast food), etc. Unless you are homeless, there isn't any ventures for us to go on anymore. Kinda like Lewis and Clark. They were risk takers.

What I am trying to say is this... Perhaps if a person with an addictive personality was born 1000 years ago, that person may not have access to the addictive substances that are so easily and readily available to them today. So there addictive personalities, perhaps, would be more noble 1000 years ago. Since they might not have access to today's societies sins, they might be more like people who explore new frontiers or would be willing to experiment with trying new things. Perhaps people with addictive personalities are the type of people who have discovered things in our ancient past. Since they are risk takers.

However, in today's society, the frontier has all been discovered and there is nothing to do. Life is too boring for the "risk takers" or the people with "addicitive" personalities. So they turn to what they have access too. Like drugs and women. The problem is is that these risk taker's in today society are not noble anymore. They get caught in a spiral and plummet into a black hole due to their substance abuse and their risk taking personality produces nothing. Where in the long ancient past, it could have been very productive.

New beginning, I think you have an excellent analogy. I too have thought the same thing and better helps to understand myself. Another example: I like to grill. Grill meat!! A lot of guys do. So thousands of years ago we provided for our families by going out and killing for meat! Now they won't let us do that so we go to the local grocery store.. Walk up and down the meat aisle like a stalker after prey. Bring it home and grill it with fire! Very satisfying Think about male "grillers" versus those males that don't.