I highly reccomend " Codependency no more " it's an easy read and it hits home , you attract or are attracted to broken people... why? Read the book and find out... amazon has them used dirt cheap.

He definitely lied but I never caught him cheating. I guess my responsibility in the marriage working might have been to provide more support and encouragement. Maybe I should have worked in a different profession than he, so that our finances weren't so messed up. I gave up my own identity and friends to live like he wanted, basically to hide bi-polar freak outs. It is difficult for me to say because I feel like I do not live my life making hurtful decisions. Maybe that is why it took me 17 years to split. I have very high morals and he knew that going in. No drugs, not alcoholic, never cheated. I loved what I thought we could be, so maybe I am at fault for not seeing the writing on the wall. Maybe some people can be helped, but it is very, very difficult to manage bi-polar. I always thought of myself as a week person and maybe this all happened to make me stronger. I am sorry you had to go through this and your boys, you sound like a good guy.

if you get into counseling eventually they will ask you to look to your family of origin for those answers. it is a very, very hard thing to face and you wont't figure it out unless you are willing to be brutally honest about it. most importantly - remember to be forgiving once you do ;-)

TSand,, you and I are the same person so to speak!
I am a fixer, which just seriously realized I am very codependent! I am trying really hard to break my cycle to be a better person and to quit attracting the broken people!
Yes, I have also had two major relationships in my life that both ended with them cheating on me! So yeppers, I agree, I pick my own losers!

I relate to much of what you say; BUT, I don't think it as "co-dependecy" - I mean shouldn't every relationship have some sense of co-dependency, (in a positive way- why else would we be together and rely on each other) not "CODEPENDENCY" in the other sense.- I can't function or have any emotions without your imput/direction, my worth is based on you, etc. Maybe to some extent, people lack in their ability to ...what have a sense/have Xray vision -- to reality understand who they are and who the other person is? I think that us really morale people....TRUST people, because it is hard to believe that there are people with different scruples/values than what we have. But the reality is that we are deep morale people and we assume that of other people because that is our belief system. The unfortunate part is that we believe that humanity, the basis of the human populations are like us... basic, human, trusting...yada, yada,... when that is not the reality. Considering that less than 50% of marriages work out, I would believe that the same...less than 50% of the people have anywhere near to the same morales that we do. I am NOT saying this from any type of moralistic/idealistic.... point of view.

I don't think we "CHOOSE" liars, cheaters (though some people may have for other personality issues.) I believe that we are people who TRUST people.........and the morale of the story, is that all people, can not be trusted. So is it shame on us??? or shame on them??? regardless it is a sad story. We are humane people, who believe in people, and therefore trust people. The unfortunate part, is that not all people subscript to this logic. Oh don't get me started....... I could go on forever about this topic.

OK sorry to keep picking on you... there is something in your message that has obviously hit a chord with me; each time I read it. You say you struggle with inimacy.... how do you understand intimacy.... do you know how your partner understands(stoods) intimacy???? I guess it would be that it is completely different.... and I I say that from just a sterotypical male/female perspective..... that is something that I have come to understand through this process

I have my faults; I struggle with real intimacy, I don't listen very well and I am very strong willed...does that apply to milk producing mamals?

I've been a social worker for years, so I know about the "saving" people. It's taken all the hell I've let myself be dragged through to come to the conclusion that I need to save myself first.

TSand: going forward, you and I have to learn to weed out the flakes, detect character flaws, and fully understand the concept of sociopathy so that we never fall into their charming manipulation again. Consider this: you did not choose "the sickness." "The sickness" targeted you, and wounded you (the same for me as well brother). We, you, I, were targeted. Knowing this, we train our bodies and minds to defend against these assaults by learning basic human psychology, and some of the topics mentioned on bcwda.com. We did not choose TSand; we were targeted. Today, we are stronger, better, and getting stronger. Now we are humble fighting monks who can defend. Contemplate this deeply.

Mo...