Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
So I wrote something in my journal, then though maybe people here might have insight and advice that may help me. I am really confused how I can get past this obstacle in my journey through this. He is my journal entry:
Why does she still affect me at all?
I know my wife ignored her vows and any sense of morality to pursue an affair with a married man while we were married.
I know even after that man decided to work on his own marriage instead of continue with her, that she has dated other men looking for a new life even while remaining married to me.
I know she will always put her own selfish desire at any given moment ahead of what is right for our children or me.
Yes, every time she exhibits this immoral behavior it instills feelings of resentment, bitterness, and anger towards this tragically flawed woman whom I believed had much better character than this at one time.
So why does it cause such pain every time I find out about these actions? The resentment, bitterness, and anger far outweigh any residual feelings of love for the woman. Why do I feel my blood course with a flood of burning frustration and pain? Why do I take it personally? Why should I expect anything from her but what she has been doing?
The only thing I can come up with is that for some reason, it is a severe hit to my self-esteem every time I hear of these actions. Maybe this is why I feel so hurt and helpless. How do I overcome this? What can I do to step past this ridiculously stupid and self-destructive reaction?
How I long to be completely indifferent to her.
Why does she still affect me at all?
I know my wife ignored her vows and any sense of morality to pursue an affair with a married man while we were married.
I know even after that man decided to work on his own marriage instead of continue with her, that she has dated other men looking for a new life even while remaining married to me.
I know she will always put her own selfish desire at any given moment ahead of what is right for our children or me.
Yes, every time she exhibits this immoral behavior it instills feelings of resentment, bitterness, and anger towards this tragically flawed woman whom I believed had much better character than this at one time.
So why does it cause such pain every time I find out about these actions? The resentment, bitterness, and anger far outweigh any residual feelings of love for the woman. Why do I feel my blood course with a flood of burning frustration and pain? Why do I take it personally? Why should I expect anything from her but what she has been doing?
The only thing I can come up with is that for some reason, it is a severe hit to my self-esteem every time I hear of these actions. Maybe this is why I feel so hurt and helpless. How do I overcome this? What can I do to step past this ridiculously stupid and self-destructive reaction?
How I long to be completely indifferent to her.
Its because we vested in all that. We vested in them trust, we vested care and concern and love for them, we vested all that we did because we believed they were who they portrayed to us on the surface, not who they were at the core. I don't think it is self esteem that gets us to this point, but I think our self esteem is what takes a hit when we know we are available for someone who we gave it all to, yet they continue to choose to want someone else.
Its the same when we have a job and we vest in it; then lose that job. Or we play sports, do volunteer work, or whatever it is we vested in, to longer be a part of it, does leave a space inside where it was. How we lose that "thing" can contribute to not only our mind taking a hit, but our heart, self esteem, confidence, and soul will take a hard hit.
.. and now, we have self esteem issues. Now we are unsure of our own decisions and beliefs that we know what we are doing because for so long, we believed in this person, this relationship only to find out, we were wrong about them.
People think they go in to relationships with people because of a lack of self esteem or confidence, etc. In some cases that is true. People have had these issues with self esteem / confidence prior to the relationship; but it had to start somewhere. Those who go in to a relationship with no issues, or believing they have no issues with self esteem / confidence, find that when the relationship breaks down, the significant other cheats, abuses or treats us badly, we must be with them because we had some kind of issue prior. Truth is, the issue developed or came to the surface because of being with this person or in this relationship.
I have had a rough childhood, but when I met my ex I had dealt with that and was confident in my abilities, decisions, and all that. Yet, after all was said and done, I was worse off with a lack of motivation, self esteem, confidence and I could care less about where I ended up; this was way worse then I had ever known myself to be as a kid, teen or early 20's after living in an abusive home. I never felt a lack of motivation,in fact, my childhood is what drove me to be stronger, drove me to get off the streets in to college and not only get 1 or 2 degrees, but 3.
So while I believe we all have some lack of confidence, self esteem, or what I like to say, a fear when we approach something new. I also believe that without the situation I found myself in with my ex, or you find yourself in with your ex, where they stripped away what they could to selfishly take our hearts without care for them, is more to contribute to how we feel after the fact then a lack of self esteem or confidence within us from before the relationship. All we feel we lack now, was built because of the relationship or because of that selfish person who didn't take care of our hearts like we took care of theirs.
The heart and head work together and not just by providing blood flow to our physical system. They are there to protect, support and most times cus what ails the other. What we see is our reaction to those things.
A strong will can't even make something happen if our head cant wrap around whats going on. It takes time for pain, physical or emotional to heal. We almost have to go through this so to learn and be able to grow as a person. Ya know sayings like :without the low there is no high". "That we have to experience sorrow so we can know the difference between happy and sad."
and so on...
its a process, and sometimes, you can't control what goes on with that process. You just have to take what comes, learn how to cope, become stronger, wiser, and more mature so to come out on top.
"cus" should be "cure"
That happens so much. I can see the bus coming, and that persons foot headed towards my butt so to kick me in front of the bus, yet, I always feel caught off guard when the bus hits me in the face. :)
Sigh, I am a planner. I like to plot my course through required steps along the path to resolution... Damn this emotional process won't let me do this.
He is addicted to TV, as a way to shut out the world (and me). Morning, noon, night. After work, after dinner till bedtime. At times I would join him on the couch, and during the commercial, before his clicker finger moved on to another channel, try to communicate with him. I tried not to bother him when the show was on. I was never fast enough, or had anything worth listening to, because he always stared straight ahead at the tv. Didn't matter what was on - program, sporting event, shampoo commercial - they all received undivided attention.
After being ignored for DECADES, I started saying aloud, when I would find myself joining him on the couch "Oh, wait, you're watching tv. I can't be bothering you now. You can't be bothered by me now." Then I'd get up and leave. Passive aggressive? Yes, intentionally. Did he respond? Not that I saw. I said this every time aloud until I was able to internalize it. I had to train myself to emotionally remove myself from my marriage. That's the only way I figured out how to protect myself, my fragile ego, low self-esteem, and all that. It took me about a year.
I don't think that you can ever be 100% indifferent to someone who you shared a life and had children with, but what I did enabled me to focus more on the idea that he doesn't want to be with me, rather than the thought that I'm not worth being with. Those are two separate things.
Nothing happens overnight, please stay strong.
It seems like you already half get this - as you've been able to separate her behaviour somewhat - but a book called The Four Agreements (or googling it) may help - as it explains very clearly, exactly why other peoples behaviour is about them, not you.
Once you understand that her actions are about her, and nothing at all to do with you - it will become easier for you to move on and not be affected by her choices.
It just felt like I was doing it all for nothing because after a decade or struggle to the top I was once again at the bottom
Of the hill because someone couldn't keep their pants on.
Then, of course, the psychological mind f--k of who my
Spouse would find other people more interesting when I was the whole package, a # 10.
Of course, clarity came only after I let go of the love in my heart and now it is okay.
You will get there soon.. Hug
So she is offended that I am hurt when she dates while we are married. SHE is offended? WTH? She tried to convince me how horrible it was for her with this failing marriage and that I should understand why she did what she did. Her situation was an exception and she was not wrong. She was not wrong to decide me while cheating with a married man who was also unhappy with his marriage? I didn't realize morality had loopholes or exceptions or mulligans or whatever. If there was addictions or abuse of any kind I can understand though there should be an honest approach to divorcing even then. But just because someone is not entertaining you enough to remain committed to him is not a valid reason to deceive and cheat on the husband and destroy the childrens' innocent faith in marriage, love, and family. Yes it hurts every time she commits this act.
I know I need to separate myself. I know she does not deserve any of my feelings but pity for her. I'll get there. I'm just impatient.
Do not take this personally. You are EXACTLY right in the logical manner that you look at the situation in this statement. She is not looking at it logically. He and her AP have not been "together" in the real world, like you and her have. They haven't dealt with bills, managing a household, kids, and schedules. It's all been a fantasy world that she has used to escape her real world. You held that real world together while she was, and still is, escaping. Bravo to you for that.
My counselor is having me complete an exercise, because I'm going through the same thing you are, dealing with rejection from my spouse. She is having me ask three close family and friends write me a few paragraphs about how they would describe me to someone who had never met me. It's going to be hard to ask them to do this, because I hate bothering people, even my best friends, but I'm going to do it. It will help me heal, and right now I need to focus on me first. (Well, after my kids at first... my counselor always reminds me about what the stewardesses say in the safety announcements on airplanes, though: Put the oxygen mask on yourself, first. Meaning, the better we take care of ourselves, the better parents we can be. I asked, "So, if I pass out due to lack of oxygen, I'll be a crappy parent?" She just shook her head at me. LOL. I like to make them work.)
Also, look up "Emotional Acceptance". There's a chapter about it in a book I'm reading now, and it has really helped me.
Oh... and you're awesome... don't forget that.