You "let go" when you are ready.....but it's a scary step....the point is, you must consciously make a choice to step forward. You must get out of this little comfort zone you are in now. You must challenge yourself and then see it through.....

Cwalla,

...you loved him and you were with him for a number of years.....there is no switch that you can hit and all those feeling go away....and if there is...please tell me where it is.

You will know when it's time, for me it was the being of the year and I was taking on a new career.I was exhausted from feeling so much pain, that I felt it was becoming unhealthy.

Take your time....

Sorry, I disagree....if, after a year, or six months, you are wondering when you are going to get better...that is the sign....And it's my belief that you have to sometimes push yourself a bit to move forward...and it can certainly be a tough time. The point is that there is no "time"....unless it is right now.

I think for me it was more a gradual process, lots of little steps, affirmations and becoming stronger and more confident who I am without him. From all I read on this site, I don't think it makes a difference if the ex was good or horrible in terms of making the letting go any easier. I think if you are making overall progress and you HAVE - separation, divorce, no contact, then you are least moving in the right direction. I "allow" myself to feel what I am feeling, when I feel it. As long as you start having more good days, than bad....you are doing okay. Don't say you're stuck, say you're free!

I think we get all kinds of posts on here about people who made conscious choices to let go and get on with it before they were ready. It's also easy to see people who ignored or denied what they carry with them in the spirit of letting go, only to have stuff leaking out in ways they don't want or intend (i.e. when someone triggers their feelings, or they displace their anger onto someone else because they are similar to their ex's).

But there are also TONS of people who do honour their feelings while also being proactive, and being proactive most times speeds things along (i.e. therapy, maintaining a social life with friends, finding creative ways to explore and express your feelings/thoughts), and even more important, they allow us to feel our own power in that we are DOING something about it, about ourselves, about the quality of our lives.

I speak from experience. I made conscious choices to be certain ways, I tried to use my will to make myself feel something different. Gawd knows, what I was feeling was horrible, almost intolerable. All it did was bog me down, in ways I found I couldn't control (nightmares, anxiety levels).

The heart is not as easy as the mind to control. It wants what it wants. And its grip can be very slow to let go.

But in all but the rarest of cases, it does let go.

Even for those of us who sometimes doubted we'd ever be able to. And it's been doing that for MUCH longer than there have been therapists, self-help books and online support forums. It's just human nature.

:)

thank gawd !

Everybody has different time clock. Divorce doesn't wipe out the memories of your life with him. We have long memories of good and bad times and it is hard to think that is not your life anymore.

May be try to date again and sometimes I heard it helps to move you little forward, doesn't need to be a relationship, just date.

not really sure how to explain how i finally just up and let go. but basically the women i knew and loved all those years ago is not even close to that person anymore. shes a stranger who does and says things i just cant understand. so it got easier once i realized that if she was jus tso random girl i ment on on a passing street one day, with no prior idea of who she used to be, id barely give her a second glance. its hard to miss someone you dont even know. :) and im just fine with this.

If I had gotten seriously stuck like this, I would consider doing some individual counseling to try to get some good input as to WHY. Seeing as those answers are not clear to me - like seeing thru mud - maybe someone else can clear the waters, so to speak. Counseling may also address the abuse issues.

Dont' be so hard on yourself in this, tho. Really. This is one of THE hardest issues to go thru in life. Realize that. Pat yourself on the back daily for leaving an abusive relationship - no matter how long it took. You still did it. Hell, pat yourself on the back for getting out of BED everyday! Getting stuck? It happens ... consider that you are already moving in the right direction with asking, here, for advice. That takes guts too.

My Grandma used to say that women are like tea bags -you never know how strong they are until you get them in hot water.

I am getting the impression that you are stronger than you know. Hell, we all are here - men and women alike.

Sending you support, L~

One of the hardest things to do in life is to let go of a relationship. No matter what the cause of a breakup, learning to let go just often isn't easy to do. It could be the one that got away, a first love, a spouse, a boyfriend or girlfriend, or unrequited love. Regardless of the situation, learning to let go of what's over is often a very difficult thing to do and the hurt can often last for years if a person simply won't break the hold.

Recovering from the horrible pain and hurt of a broken relationship is no easy task. When love is found, one naturally wants to believe it will last forever. And it's great when it does. But when it doesn't, the hurt and pain can be devastating. But even more devastating can be the pain and suffering the person experiences from not letting go of what's gone and moving on with living.

Turning off feelings for someone isn't like turning off a light switch. When a relationship ends, it doesn't mean the feelings disappear or go away. Being left alone with feelings of emptiness, loneliness, anger, grief, rejection, and despair can prove to be overwhelming. The person might find themselves attempting to contact the other person, making up reasons to be where the other person is, calling them repeatedly, etc....anything to keep in contact with the other person or have some kind of hold or attachment still with them. And while it's a natural thing to want to do this, it prevents us being healed of the relationship.

In order to let go and live again, the past must be closed. It is impossible to live in the past. You can't look forward to a future when you live in what was, rather than in the here and now. What has happened is gone, and no amount of wanting, wishing, or regret will undo or changed what's already happened and is over with.

To put closure on the past, you have to let go of the feeling that you can't make it without the other person. Feelings of failure, trying to contact the person (unless you have children together), dependency, guilt, resentment, and anger... all of these feelings must be dealt with and brought under control. While they are normal to feel, continuing to harbor them keeps you from being healed of the hurt, and therefore keeps you from living and being happy again.

Often when a relationship ends, one or both parties have the mindset that they are a failure. They measure their self worth by whether a relationship lasted or died. One's self worth should never be measured by another person, but rather how they are. When you love yourself, you will learn that yourself worth does not revolve around another person but rather is enhanced by the other person.

While there is just no way to magically heal the pain and hurting of a lost relationship, there are ways to help yourself heal. The main thing is that you have to allow yourself to want to heal, and not keep clinging to something that you simply cannot change.

Stop beating yourself up over the past. It's done, it's gone, it's not changing. No matter who is at fault for the breakup, no amount of blaming yourself or feeling guilty will undo the past. Forgive either the other person or yourself (or both) and allow yourself to be happy again.

Unless you have children together, stop contacting the person. Don't try to be where they are, don't call them and leave them messages, don't email them, don't follow them around. Leave them alone! Continuing to attempt to be in contact with them (unless you have kids) does nothing but harass them and keep you tied to the pain.

Go out on dates with others and actually enjoy yourself. Have fun! And whatever you do, don't spend the date talking about your ex and how much you miss them and want them back. This won't lead to a second date! Go out and be happy, leave the worries behind. You might just find you had a fantastic time.

Allow yourself to heal from the breakup. Allow yourself to enjoy life again, to be happy. Allow yourself to heal from the past hurts and pain. Allow yourself the freedom to love again. Let go of the past, and be happy.

I really like Oestonee's use of the word 'allow". I often have said to myself I feel a certain way, but I'm "willing" to feel something different. Holding a space for that different feeling to take up residence. Or even going so far as inviting that different feeling to arrive. I found it helpful a number of times.

Thank you ALL for the great information!! I will read and reread all your posts until they sink in. BTW, I read a book yesterday called "When Divorce Hurts too Long - Ouch!" by Mary Johnson-Gerard, Ph.D. It is the best self-help book on divorce recovery that I have read to date. Never in a million years would I have believed an Internet support group could be so helpful - thank you, thank you...Cindy

what did you learn in that book? It sounds interesting.

JoyRide: The author came up with the term: Post Marital Stress Disorder, after finding it hard for herself to move forward after her divorce. She believes: "1) much of our sense of self or self-esteem is set in stone before we reach kindergarten; 2) many of us have an immature understanding of love; and 3) there really is an inner-child inside our being that remembers early life and is affecting how we behave as adults." She then goes into detail on each topic. She provides a scale that helps determine if you PMS (Post Marital Sress) Disorder: It is determined by: a) distinguishing between typical and atypical behaviors; b) that occur too frequently, and c) extend beyond a normal period time or duration. There is a questionnaire that you fill out to determine where you are on the scale. It was right on for me. I think it could help anyone who just can't move on possibly understand why that is.

I went to a Divorce Care support group tonight. There is no set time. I am still crying buckets and the others aren't. They aren't many months further then I am in the whole thing. They just are healing faster.
But ye, they said everyone heals at different speeds.