I HIGHLY recommend the book Helping you Dhild Cope with divorce the Sandcastles Way. It was SO very helpful to me. It explains what to say and what not to say for different ages of kids. My daughter is 8, and we told her that Mom and Dad were having some grow-up problems that had nothing to do with her and that we would be better off not living together anymore. We assured her she would still spend plenty of time with both of us and that our love for her would never change. She took it better than I expected. Good luck!

*Child, not Dhild. duh.

Its the Toughest thing to do besides having to deal with your own feelings. My daughter was 12 at the time. I believe in honesty. If your STBX has a good relationship with the kids she should tell her and make your daughter understand that the cause of separation is not their( hers or her bros doing) fault. I feel that kids need to feel that both parents love them even if they are living separately. Since she's the one leaving...she should initiate the convo or the both of you sit down ( putting feelings aside) and talk to her. Just my thought.
- hugs to you and remember sometimes being honest is painful but everybody deserves to know the truth ( yes, even moreso the children).

Can you tell her together? The more she see you two in a positive way, the easier it may be for her to accept it.
Also talk about positive aspects of the move - if you can. Like mom is only a phone call away - you will see her on certain days, etc.
Maybe use a different word or phrase other then Mom is moving out. It may sound to final for her.

The book helping your child cope with divorce came highly recommended by a counselor. There are also teen divorce support groups around the country. Check out these resources. I find boys are less likely to talk about it. That doesn't mean they don't feelings over the divorce.

My ex told her and she is crushed. I came home from work and she was in her room crying her eyes. I talked to her for the last 2 hours, between talking, crying, talking and crying, I am as crushed as she is. At the end of the conversation she calms down somewhat, at least enough to tell me she is hungry and wants a big mac. So I jump in my car and go. As I get into the car, that damn song "somebody i used to know" is playing and the tears just start pouring out. I think the worst of it is over because when I went to her room to give her her food, she gave me the biggest hug and kiss. Now I cant stop crying!

Lovelost, Your daughter is a gem. Thank you for sharing this vignette of love.

Keep encouraging her to express her feelings - journaling, drawing, etc. She'll still need to sort through the feelings for awhile. Oh, and that song irks me to no end right now - instant station-change!

I was 12 when mine divorced. My mother sat down with me, told me that there would be some changes because Dad was moving out, and it was because of differences they had. As a kid, I instantly thought it was because I was a bad child... Mom reassured me it wasn't, then answered questions about how we (us 4 kids) would still be able to go do things with Dad. It made everything MUCH easier for everyone.

I wanted to thank all of you for your advice with this situation. I tried to follow most of it and the advice really has seemed to work. I was very honest with her (not really giving details) about what was happening and why. It hurt her at first but since then she has really showed that she understands what it happening and not that she is happy with it but knowing what is going on has really helped. Oddly, I thought she would be the one that was hurt the most but my 14 year old son has been acting out a little. Some of it seems to be stupid 14 year old boy stuff but I think it is hurting him a little more. I have tried everything to get him to open up but he just wont talk about.

Any suggestions or advice would be great!!

I wanted to thank all of you for your advice with this situation. I tried to follow most of it and the advice really has seemed to work. I was very honest with her (not really giving details) about what was happening and why. It hurt her at first but since then she has really showed that she understands what it happening and not that she is happy with it but knowing what is going on has really helped. Oddly, I thought she would be the one that was hurt the most but my 14 year old son has been acting out a little. Some of it seems to be stupid 14 year old boy stuff but I think it is hurting him a little more. I have tried everything to get him to open up but he just wont talk about.

Any suggestions or advice would be great!!

It might be easier for your son to open up to somebody else - even a stragner, like a therapist or school counselor. He may have some resentment or even anger that involves you (let's face it, he's at that age anyway), and he won't share it with you because it will hurt your feelings. Have you asked him to journal at all? I made my daughter do it. I told her she had homework from me, and then I gave her tha journal and left her alone for awhile. I had told her beforehand that once she'd written in it, she could keep it completely private and hide the journal or share it with me. She chose to share it with me. I know you want to be very gentle with your kids right now, and that's good. But every now and then we do have to push a little to see some results. You might have to just assign the journaling or just make an appointment for him with a counselor of some kind. Keep reminding him that it's okay to be hurt and even angry and that you love him no matter what.

You don't have to rush it with your son. With my kids they were affected and I think needed a period of time to act out before they were ready to talk. One kid withdrew and the other talked a lot more. One thing that worked with me was to bring the two kids together and talk to the one ready to talk while the other listened. That let me indirectly talk to both. It also reinforced that we would be there for eachother.

Difficult question to answer. Female children are highly identified with their mothers. As traumatizing as it may be for her, she needs to be told the truth gently. No need to go into the specifics as why your ex is leaving. Telling her that the relationship did not work out, but that she is guarantee to be taken care of.

I hope youe ex intends on having a relationship with her daughter after she moves out.

Also, I suggest that she be seen by a child therapist so that she can have an outlet where she expresses her thoughts, feelings.

Hugs to you and your children.

My son is also 14 and he reacted much the same way. In a sense, I think that he has it the hardest because of the expectations that boys are supposed to be tough and all that stuff. At 14 they are stuck between still wanting to be a kid and play or acting cool and adult. My two girls (17 and 12) were both very emotional about it and were able to cry and yell and do what they needed, but my sone wiped any tears away and just held the dog. It killed me to see it, but I totally understood.

For my son, all I do is ask him how he's doing, see if he wants to talk about anything. I have told him that even if he isn't comfortable talking to me or his mom that he should talk to a friend, a cousin, an aunt/uncle/grandparent, his older sister, a counselor, anyone- IF he wants to.

I think that IF is the key. Your say may be processing it in his mind, trying to get a grasp on the world that just blew up around him. When the time comes, he'll talk. I have a friend who divorced several years ago and his son is just now asking the questions that you would have expected then. Right now, just make sure he knows he has your love and support. He'll decide when he is ready.

Obviously, you know your son better than I can, so maybe there is more to the situation or mybe offering up counseling is an option you want to explore. All kids are different. Those are just my thoughts.

Good luck to you.