with those cons, why were you even together in the first place

Reading this and your other post, I think that a visit to a local therapist is in order. You seem to have jumped into this second marriage because you didn't want to be alone, and now are on the fence about ending this second marriage because again you're afraid of being alone. You need help getting to a place where you can feel good about yourself, so that you won't need another person to fulfill you or prop you up. And so that IF you find another person, the choice to be with her is because she's awesome in and of herself, not because she "completes" you or makes you feel safe or any of that stuff.

I get not wanting to be alone. I'm in my mid 50s, finally ended a 30+ year relationship last year, and am looking at my second child heading off to college in the fall. I will be physically alone, for sure. I struggle with feeling lonely too, but I try to focus on little things that are uplifting for me. Like watching snow fall, playing with my cats, the satisfaction I get after refinishing a piece of furniture, working in my garden, reading a chapter in a book, or going for a run outside. I see friends occasionally, text with them more often, and have a little support system of friends at work. But I rely mostly on ME to keep me going when the going gets tough. I have a pretty large dysfunctional family (of origin) and didn't feel any support for my divorce while going through it, but because I'd been contemplating divorce for so long (8 years) I kept my head down and trudged through it. Yes the friends and co-workers helped, but it's still a soul crushing individual and lonely process. Your friends aren't getting divorced, it's just you.

Good news, I survived it. Better news is that now I have a better understanding of who I am and what I need to feel good about myself. I am no longer that 25 year old who got married because it was the thing to do, friends were doing it, and well why not, he asked me.

The marriage counselor is the only therapist I saw. I saw her for 2 sessions by myself, 2 sessions with my ex, and another session by myself (he "forgot"). The benefits I received there are priceless. She didn't really tell me much that I didn't already know on some level. She enabled me to voice everything and understand the connections between the choices I had been making in my marriage and how I interacted with my family as a child. I would have done just as well with a regular personal therapist vs. a marriage counselor, but back then I thought counselors were for "crazy people" and it was a last ditch effort to understand the marriage. I know better now, therapists are for sane people trying to make sense of the little caged squirrel running around in their brains.

Go talk to someone. It just might be the thing you need.

i have been through the therapy thing and it is very helpful. i just have some fresh wounds and am swimming in disbelief.

i know im not crazy and i know im a good person. i guess more or less thinking out loud sounds crazy to strangers when they arent familiar with the road that got me her..

thank you for your input :)

I didn't mean to imply you are crazy. Your thinking doesn't at all sound crazy to us, we've all been on a similar kind of road. At this stage, patience and being gently on ourselves is the best route. I know how hard it can be to do both, given the circumstances. Be well.

I noticed this in your post:
"had to walk about 6 miles because i needed a lift, she didnt offer help".

Yet you say you are afraid to be alone. Actually, when your significant other ditches you like that, you already ARE alone. It took me a while to realize that myself, while going through my divorce...I had been alone most of the "marriage". Best of luck in your decision.

What I've learned in life...it takes 2 people to make or break a relationship...I will call you mrdummy because that is the name you used to post but please don't think of yourself that way. It takes real wisdom to recognize that perhaps you're in a predicament because you don't like being by yourself. Many, many people flounder in loveless relationships simply because they don't want to be alone.
It sounds to me like maybe you and she need to sit down and put your cards on the table. Do you love each other? Do you want a future together? If so, what do you need to make the relationship better, and what does she need from you in order to be inspired to work on things? I hope you guys can get real together and figure out what you want before the relationship wilts from lack of care.
And as another poster mentioned, learning to be by yourself is one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself, and others. It takes the pressure off of others to have to be with you just so you won't be alone, and it allows you the freedom to discover what you truly love in life, apart from trying to please others.