Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
Hope everyone is having a pleasant day. I found that reading other folks response & postings have provided me with clarity over the past few days so I need some help here again.
A little back story. My bf of 6 years cheated. I went no contact for 4 days. Broke it yesterday. Went back & forth with him all day. I ended up wishing him & the girl he cheated with "the best" which was my last msg to him. Of course he reached out again today. I tried to ignore him but he was persistent so I gave in to having a convo with him. Long story short he admitted he made "a mistake" & that I should forgive him & not throw away 6 yrs because I know that he loves me & he knows I still love him & we've been through so much together blah blah blah.
One thing I was able to get out of the conversation which I felt was one of the most honest conversations we've ever had. One of the things he asked was for me to tell him the good things he's done for me over the years & the bad things he's done. Now typically that's not him. He would deny deny deny & just try to sweep shit under the rug & go on pretending. I was talking to my friend & told her I wish he would just tell me that I hurt him or upset him instead of always saying " ok babe" just tell me that I made you sad. I said these things to my friend last night & here we were today having this convo. I told him the good you've done oh idk buy me nice gifts...he in turn responded saying what about how I made you feel? & what about how u tell me all the time how much I've helped you become a better person? I then said well tell me the bad I do. Because honestly I wanted to hear him tell me how I hurt him. I prepared myself that whatever it was I needed to be ready. Of course he didn't want to tell me because he feared I would get mad & hang up but I told him I wouldn't. So he agreed to tell me that I hurt him when I curse him out & call him names. I told him to keep going but he stopped. I told him listen I know I'm no pill. I know I can be a bitch sometimes I admit it. But never once did I ever think of cheating on you. I've always done things I thought would make him happy sometimes even giving him money to help with his debts.
The convo ended with him saying I know you won't let a mistake ruin us. I think if you leave me you would be making a mistake because you would be leaving someone who loves you more than words. Someone who wants to build a future with you & have a family with you. & I know you love me too. I said yeah of course I do. That's not going to change overnight. But the fact that you can be with someone else makes me look at you in a whole different light. How can I trust you?? With my heart?? My future??
Idk. I'm so confused. Idk what to do. We did have our problems but we were good also. Idk how he could just throw that away.
Honestly I don't want to forgive him. I don't. I want to move forward & be happy. I haven't been single in 6 years & looking forward to that. But on the other hand my heart says what if you're making a mistake not forgiving him & give your relationship another chance? What if you will never find anyone like him to make you feel the way he makes you feel? To be 100% yourself & still have him love you despite your flaws?
Then I think could I find someone like that & he be faithful too & not "make mistakes "?
I'm just so confused. I wish I had all the answers. I wish I knew what to do. The fact that he's never been in love with anyone the way he loves me is kinda crazy. He's cultured so some of the things he does for me he has to break his culture & he does. And as dumb as it sounds a part of me feels like I'm hurting him if I leave him. Because I know that he loves me so to lose me would hurt him but then I think you should've known that before you went creeping!!
A little back story. My bf of 6 years cheated. I went no contact for 4 days. Broke it yesterday. Went back & forth with him all day. I ended up wishing him & the girl he cheated with "the best" which was my last msg to him. Of course he reached out again today. I tried to ignore him but he was persistent so I gave in to having a convo with him. Long story short he admitted he made "a mistake" & that I should forgive him & not throw away 6 yrs because I know that he loves me & he knows I still love him & we've been through so much together blah blah blah.
One thing I was able to get out of the conversation which I felt was one of the most honest conversations we've ever had. One of the things he asked was for me to tell him the good things he's done for me over the years & the bad things he's done. Now typically that's not him. He would deny deny deny & just try to sweep shit under the rug & go on pretending. I was talking to my friend & told her I wish he would just tell me that I hurt him or upset him instead of always saying " ok babe" just tell me that I made you sad. I said these things to my friend last night & here we were today having this convo. I told him the good you've done oh idk buy me nice gifts...he in turn responded saying what about how I made you feel? & what about how u tell me all the time how much I've helped you become a better person? I then said well tell me the bad I do. Because honestly I wanted to hear him tell me how I hurt him. I prepared myself that whatever it was I needed to be ready. Of course he didn't want to tell me because he feared I would get mad & hang up but I told him I wouldn't. So he agreed to tell me that I hurt him when I curse him out & call him names. I told him to keep going but he stopped. I told him listen I know I'm no pill. I know I can be a bitch sometimes I admit it. But never once did I ever think of cheating on you. I've always done things I thought would make him happy sometimes even giving him money to help with his debts.
The convo ended with him saying I know you won't let a mistake ruin us. I think if you leave me you would be making a mistake because you would be leaving someone who loves you more than words. Someone who wants to build a future with you & have a family with you. & I know you love me too. I said yeah of course I do. That's not going to change overnight. But the fact that you can be with someone else makes me look at you in a whole different light. How can I trust you?? With my heart?? My future??
Idk. I'm so confused. Idk what to do. We did have our problems but we were good also. Idk how he could just throw that away.
Honestly I don't want to forgive him. I don't. I want to move forward & be happy. I haven't been single in 6 years & looking forward to that. But on the other hand my heart says what if you're making a mistake not forgiving him & give your relationship another chance? What if you will never find anyone like him to make you feel the way he makes you feel? To be 100% yourself & still have him love you despite your flaws?
Then I think could I find someone like that & he be faithful too & not "make mistakes "?
I'm just so confused. I wish I had all the answers. I wish I knew what to do. The fact that he's never been in love with anyone the way he loves me is kinda crazy. He's cultured so some of the things he does for me he has to break his culture & he does. And as dumb as it sounds a part of me feels like I'm hurting him if I leave him. Because I know that he loves me so to lose me would hurt him but then I think you should've known that before you went creeping!!
The convo ended with him saying I know you won't let a mistake ruin us. I think if you leave me you would be making a mistake because you would be leaving someone who loves you more than words. Someone who wants to build a future with you & have a family with you.
Everyone is different, and you could be very different than me, but cheating to me, is the lowest and I would be gone in a heartbeat.
Once a cheater, always a cheater. I really don't want anything to do with anyone who cheats.
Whatever you decide, I wish you the best.
My take is this is classic blame shifting. For me cheating is a 100% deal breaker. The website above is basically for people who have been cheated on..."chumps". Personally I would get out now but that's me. The thought of always wondering where he is and who he's texting and blah blah blah would be too stressful and not what I would want in a relationship. For him to tell you not to throw away 6 years..? What the hell was he doing when he was banging the new gal??? Ugh..no way for me. When I learned the truth about my ex wife and what she was up to I knew we were DONE. The thought of working it out and reconciliation went straight out the window and we were together 24 years. I didn't throw that away, she did.
He has never forgiven his parents for not supporting us on buying into grandpa's place. Always talked about the black book his brother kept track of things in...well he obviously has his own. Is your bf someone to will keep track and never forgive? Only you can answer and make decisions based on information and knowledge at the time. The future can hold what you want to make of it. But it will take a full and complete commitment from both of you. Good Luck!
he's saying these things to you now as a "hail mary" to get you to stay with him. he's playing on nostalgia and your feelings in order to convince you to stay. he's telling YOU that YOU dont want to throw things away, yet he is the one who had so little respect for what you had that he cheated.
sorry to say, because i am genuinely sorry that you are going through this, but i would cut my losses now. he does this to you now, then tries to act like you are making a mistake for respecting yourself, NO. if he cared that much, he'd have avoided cheating, no matter what. believe me, it is easier to walk away now, then to end up with a spouse that cheats. and if he cheats now, he will cheat later, no matter what he promises you now. words are easy to say. actions are hard to follow through on. his actions have already shown you who he is. anyone can say words, no matter how beautiful. look at his actions, follow the part of you that says walk away.
again, sorry for your pain.
(((HUGS)))
Cut your loses.