Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
Hello courageous people,
Thank you for all your sharing thus far. Since I joined DailyStrength, I have not shared of my own experience, I've just sent hugs, well wishes, and suggestions to others.
Now I am ready to ask for your support in my appeal.
On October 10th I watched my husband being taken away by the police for a psych hold. After holding me down for 45 minutes and insisting I was possessed and needed to see a priest he then blocked our door with his body until I promised to go to a priest with him.
When he finally opened the door I ran out to my neighbors and pleaded with them to call the police. While on his psych hold a caseworker called me and told me that meth was found in his blood.
I really miss my husband terribly. I yearn for him and fantasize that we are getting back together. But intellectually I know I cannot be with him because he is not himself. He is not the man I married. Meth is a terrible drug and mixed with the chemotherapy he was on more recently, he really fried his brain.
That same caseworker told me that he was very ill. She meant mentally ill. Recently I called a community member who knows my husband. I told him to relay to my husband that I have his belongings in storage and if he needed more information he could email me. Because of a restraining order he has not come home.
I feel terrible for him and what he did to himself. I am learning to take care of me first, but it is so hard for me to not want to take him in and take care of him and "make everything better".
Four years ago on our anniversary he was taken for a psych hold after drinking too much on top of pain meds. I was ready to leave him then, but he said he would get help.
Now four years later I find out he was on meth and probably has been on it for the last 9 months or so. His behavior had become more and more psychotic. While all the signs were right under my nose they were not in my radar. Even his doctor told me it was probably a matter of the chemo and his other medications causing mania.
Why then do I still want him back so much? I want to let go of these fantasies to be with him. I want not to love him.
If any of you have any wisdom to share let me know. I feel as if I am causing myself more suffering than needed and I want to let go. I want to accept that I love him but that it is best we are apart and that I cannot take care of him. Fantasy or no fantasy.
Thank you for all your sharing thus far. Since I joined DailyStrength, I have not shared of my own experience, I've just sent hugs, well wishes, and suggestions to others.
Now I am ready to ask for your support in my appeal.
On October 10th I watched my husband being taken away by the police for a psych hold. After holding me down for 45 minutes and insisting I was possessed and needed to see a priest he then blocked our door with his body until I promised to go to a priest with him.
When he finally opened the door I ran out to my neighbors and pleaded with them to call the police. While on his psych hold a caseworker called me and told me that meth was found in his blood.
I really miss my husband terribly. I yearn for him and fantasize that we are getting back together. But intellectually I know I cannot be with him because he is not himself. He is not the man I married. Meth is a terrible drug and mixed with the chemotherapy he was on more recently, he really fried his brain.
That same caseworker told me that he was very ill. She meant mentally ill. Recently I called a community member who knows my husband. I told him to relay to my husband that I have his belongings in storage and if he needed more information he could email me. Because of a restraining order he has not come home.
I feel terrible for him and what he did to himself. I am learning to take care of me first, but it is so hard for me to not want to take him in and take care of him and "make everything better".
Four years ago on our anniversary he was taken for a psych hold after drinking too much on top of pain meds. I was ready to leave him then, but he said he would get help.
Now four years later I find out he was on meth and probably has been on it for the last 9 months or so. His behavior had become more and more psychotic. While all the signs were right under my nose they were not in my radar. Even his doctor told me it was probably a matter of the chemo and his other medications causing mania.
Why then do I still want him back so much? I want to let go of these fantasies to be with him. I want not to love him.
If any of you have any wisdom to share let me know. I feel as if I am causing myself more suffering than needed and I want to let go. I want to accept that I love him but that it is best we are apart and that I cannot take care of him. Fantasy or no fantasy.
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I had gone to the grocery store. When I wheeled my cartback to my car I just stool there a minute. A few spacesaway a Tesla Cyber truck was parked. I had seen it on theroad a few times for a few seconds. But not close up.It looked like it belonged to 2126 and not 2026. I wasgoing to take a picture of the car but the owners cameback and drove away. It was an ordinary middle age...
i am not an advocate of divorce
his illness & drug use are very far beyond your marriage vows
i can understand still loving him
but you can't fix him
his drug use is a betrayal of his marriage vows
he has destroyed himself beyond repair
if you choose to destroy yourself by continuing to love him
you really aren't honoring your vows
you can't care for him at all if you jump into the abyss
i am truly sorry for you both
I feel that I always want to help others and seem to forget me along the way. I want to move toward putting myself first and then being there for others with a strong foundation in me.
I appreciate your words. This is the kind of support I am in need of to put me first.
I have been exactly where you are. He wouldn't get help. I did an intervention (which I do NOT recommend and would never do again!). After trying everything I could think of and then some, I realized I was on a sinking ship. And the only way to save anyone was to save myself. Seriously, why waste two precious lives? We each have a choice whether we're going to save ourselves or go down w/the ship.
I didn't realize it, but living w/an addict, especially one who uses physical violence, causes severe trauma. And the longer one is w/an addict, the more mental, emotional, physical and spiritual trauma builds up on a subconscious level which seriously affects the quality of life.
I discovered that his disease made me sick too. And here's the biggie!
Just my very presence was enabling him to continue his addictions. Please know that I am NOT taking any responsibility or blame for his choices/actions. I'm just saying that my being there gave him someone to blame and take his pain out on.
Even if he were to stop, that's only 10% of the problem. The other 90% is his behavior. But the behavior can't be addressed until and unless the 10% is stopped for good. And, then, unless he gets professional help, he'll only be a dry drunk. So he'd still be an emotionally, mentally & spiritually dysfunctional toxic mess.
The very best way you can help him is to detach w/love and leave and never look back. That's easier said than done. But w/the right support, you can do this.
Focus on YOU. Get therapy w/a qualified trauma recovery therapist who also understands the dynamics of codependence. It may take a few tries to find the right therapist, but once you do, they can help you thru the grief and recovery process.
~healing hugs~
My take on it is this. You tried. That's good. Sure beats people that don't try...right?!
If you were the solution, then he'd be sober now. He's not, so sadly you're not the solution. That's life...not any of us are the solution for everyone.
So since you're not the solution, you need to step out of the way. He may never get sober, but his best shot at it is to keep looking until it happens (and yes, I have known people to get sober...including my ex...AFTER he left).
Second, how to put yourself first. Learn new habits. First do it just 5 minutes a day. Perhaps making yourself a nice cup of tea and making an effort to spend 5 minutes thinking peaceful thoughts. Then maybe adding in a small exercise routine. Then...maybe taking up reading, or some other hobby. Take a class, or join a meet up group...IDK...there's many options. But it all starts with 5 minutes a day.
Thank you. Thank you all. Your words of healing and compassion wove a lovely message for me--like a silk web that holds me in tranquility.
Your combined wisdom and ways of expressing are truly a gift. What i learned from all of you is:
1. I am not super woman and cannot take care of him
2. My being there for him just enables him further
3. Detaching through self care is really the only way for me to be healthy
4. He betrayed us with his drug and alcohol abuse
5. There is nothing I can do for him; in fact, this is truly the only way I can help--is to stay out of his way (and for him to stay out of mine)
My new journey is to love me and accept that I can be alone and be happy alone. After all if I do find new love someday I want to recognize him as an emotionally healthy and stable man who can care for me because he cares for himself
Sending to all of you hugs and love.