Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
My husband and I have been separated for a year. We dated for 8 years and were married for a year and a half. I have a 12 year old son. My husband is his stepfather. Our relationship is a roller coaster ride and has been from the start. he is verbally, emotionally and mentally abusive. He is a narcissist and he never takes responsibility for anything he does and says to me. He never says he's sorry and he is never wrong. I am so mentally exhausted from this. After one if his blow ups and after he hurts me and cuts me to the bone with his words he will suddenly act like nothing happened and expect me to forget about how he acted. He will blame me for the way things are now. He constantly lies and is shady snd sneaky about where he is and what he's doing but insists on knowing my every move. Without going into all the details about why we're separated I'll just say that he betrayed me and ripped my world out from under me. He didn't cheat on me; it was over money. I came home from work one day and he was gone. All his stuff was gone and he even took our dog. It was devastating. It still hurts even now. My son hates him and wants nothing to do with him. When this first happened I was so angry abd it was easy not to have contact with him. But I caved one day and reached out to him. Biggest mistake ever. After everything he did to my son and I, I don't understand how I still have feelings for him. Since that day, I started seeing him but I have to lie to my son and I've reached a point where I don't want to do that anymore. My husband has twisted everything around to where he is the victim. He tells people my son physically abysed him and ruined our marriage. It's disgusting. I don't know how anyone could ever believe that. So in asking for advice on how to break away for good and finalize the divorce. I think I hold on to the good times and I forget about the horrible things he's done. I know he will never change. I don't ubderstabd why I can't let go. I know I deserce better and so does my son. I am going to counseling and it's helping. Has anyone else been in this kind of situation?
Just like you, I know I deserve better but I keep thinking about my hubby who has basically crapped on me in a million ways. I hate that I can't move on. I don't know how people do it. One minute I get sooooo incredibly angry over what he did and get this urge to track him down and punch him and the next minute I'm crying because I miss him so much. I just miss the old him. The guy he used to be before he turned into a jerk. I need to keep the bad memories in my brain and for now, forget the good ones because I don't think I'll be able to let go until I do. I'm glad your counseling is helping. I haven't been able to find a counselor who has helped me much. I too know I deserve better yet I fantasize about my husband moving back home and our lives going back to how they were. That would never happen because I'm a broken mess because of his affair.
I'm sorry I don't have any advice but I wanted to let you know you're not alone. Try to remember that your priority needs to be your son's safety and maybe that will help you. I don't want him to get hurt physically or emotionally. I hope things get better for you. Hang in there. You do deserve better! We both do.
I'm in the same boat, and I've been occupying my time with other men. Not being promiscuous, it's just nice to get attention and the ego boost from other men. It also makes you feel wanted, which is what you need to feel.
Plus, its not fair to the person we would be "using" to distract ourselves.
By finding someone else, we are just prolonging the inevitable and then we'll have more pain on top of that w/the next break up.
Honestly, the only way past the pain is to go thru it.
You need to drop the guy, now. I hate to say this, but you can't make decisions in a vacuum anymore. You have a 12 year old son. You say your son hates your ex. Do you want to risk your son hating you for going back to him secretly. You have to think about your son.
I've know narcissists like you describe your husband. If he's verbally and mentally abusive to you, then it's only a matter of time until he does the same to your son.
You said it yourself. You caved. Biggest mistake you ever made. You know he's not the right choice.
You say you fixate on the good things he's done and forgotten about the bad things. Next time you start to do that, think about this.
He left YOU
He left YOUR SON
He chose to NOT BE WITH YOU
He chose to NOT BE WITH YOUR SON
He WILL DO IT AGAIN
Your son IS STILL WITH YOU
Your son NEEDS YOU
Don't choose him over your son
Peace
It's great that you are attending counseling, don't give up on that and make time for yourself.
There is not easy way, there is no shorter way, you just have to keep pressing and celebrate any progress, be kind to yourself and be okay with baby steps. There will come a day where you will wake up and just feel better, lighter and you'll feel peace again.
Best wishes.
Until I read the book In Sheeps Clothing, that is. It gave me an entirely new perspective on the person I'd been married to for 25 years. It revealed the manipulation playbook my STBX was using so that I could finally see through everything he said and did.
It allowed me to stop reacting in the same old way. At first he just turned up the heat, but when that didn't work anymore, he got very angry for a while (weeks, not months), and finally he became cooperative (it's been 2 months total - but this is my 2nd try at breaking it off). I have to say that I think we achieved the 'cooperative' stage, in part because I continued to be polite, respectful, and calm through all of his speeches, rants, etc.
I hope you too can find your own 'antidote' to his power over you. My advice is to keep searching for ideas and enlightenment. Discuss it with people and read whatever you can find that might speak-to-you. Good luck.
Run, run, run, run.
You sound strong and like you've got a great handle on the situation. It's only natural to think back to a time before things got so complicated and wish that it had gone another way.
And you don't know that you "can't let go", you only know that "you haven't let go YET".
All signs indicate to me that you'll get there,
Patti
I was in a very similar situation with a diagnosed narcissistic personality disordered individual. What I can tell you is that if he in fact has NPD, he will never change. Like you i struggled for years with my emotions of missing and feeling as if I still loved her. If you are lying to your son about your relationship that is something you should strongly consider moving forward, will you ever be able to bring your husband back into your life fully? Will his behavior change to the point where he can mend the damage done to your son? If he truly is a narcissist: i.e. has no empathy, a grandiose sense of self, and has the overwhelming need to secure supply then it is unlikely he will ever change and you're just setting yourself up for years of more abuse.
I wish you well and hope you can find a sense of peace in a very difficult situation.
He'll think all women are like this. Why do you think he won't do another nasty thing?
You say a lot about him, but getting back with him says more about you. You are also telling your husband it's okay to treat you like this.
Don't let your heart make a fool out of you. Respect yourself and your son. Blood is thicker than water and it will damage your son if you reconcile. It will end up causing him issues throughout his life and I'm sureyou don't want to be responsible for that. Your son has one parent he doesn't trust, he doesn't need another.