Breakups & Divorce Support Group

Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.

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How do I move forward?

copingwith2
copingwith2

I am almost 6 months into a separation/divorce I never saw coming.  I am heartbroken beyond belief and can't seem to get past it.  My oldest at 8 years old keeps asking me why daddy and I can't just figure it out and get back together? (Daddy lives with his new girlfriend that he was living with 1 month after he left).  They have announced their love for each other for everyone to see. I don't have a good answer for our oldest.  I had wanted him to come back, I still sometimes think I want him to come back...I am just so broken, he was still sleeping in our bed and doing what married people do in April and first of May - then he was gone in May needing a break, still telling me he loves me deep inside (as recent as August). We barely speak to each other now due to things that have gone on, we don't have any agreements in place because we can't seem to agree on custody (he wants shared custody but lives 1 hour away and our oldest is in School), I want joint custody so she doesn't have to get up at 5:30am to get to school (which is what would happen if she was at his gf's place on school nights - her school goes in at 7:55am).  He won't agree to sell the matrimonial home but I can't afford it on my own and really don't want to stay in it as we bought it for him to start the farm he wanted. He hasn't paid a full month of child support yet, he tells the kids he is going to take them then backs out so I have to tell them or he shows up 2+ hours late. I do get the kids to call him every night and just about every morning when they are with me, and he does try to do the same for me when they are with him.   


I just want to stop the heartache, tears and anxiety over it all.  I want to know I am going to be okay. I want to understand why he left and just fell right into someone elses arms - who is 10years older than him and has a 22yr old daughter (we are 33(Him) and 34(me)).  I want to stop feeling like I want to fix this for us and make there be an us again.  I want to know I will survive.

11Christmases
11Christmases
Document everything in detail. What he has paid, what he has failed to pay, the times he backed out at the last minute. Please get an attorney if you don't have one. At least consult one. Don't let your STBX drag this out. He made his bed, let him face all the consequences of his selfish, selfish behavior. Your child belongs with you, the stable parent, not him and his fling. If he won't agree to sell the home, the attorney can help you. Big hugs and I am rooting for you!
copingwith2
copingwith2
11Christmases - thank you, we do have lawyers and it is costing thousands so far. We have a court date for an interim motion hearing to set up custody, child support and some financial arrangements, but that isn't until December. I keep a daily journal of everything, but have been told that past actions don't matter if he says he is going to make amends. I think they still look at the past actions but the courts do everything they can to do shared custody. I am just so heartbroken, I really miss him or miss the companionship. Sometimes I am not sure if it is him I miss or the idea of someone to talk to that I love and I thought loved me. I want to wake up from this nightmare and it all be over or to find out it never happened and him be home with us again.
movingon2016
movingon2016
Do keep track of everything. I have a friend whose ex lives out of town and still gets the kids on school nights/mornings because he agrees to drive them an extra hour when he is in town. But he takes them to school consistently late because he lives over an hour away.

Is the new girlfriend more established? I found after 22 years of marriage I was a single parent with 3 kids rather than a spouse with 2 kids. My ex wants a mother...someone to take care of him. After 22 years I could not deal with it anymore. (That plus so much more.) Maybe that is why your ex is with someone so much older? No matter what, try to stand your ground and get things resolved as soon as possible. Your ex might want equal time with the kids right now because that lowers his child support or increases the child support he gets? You can negotiate with him if that is the case.

Hugs. Take Care.
copingwith2
copingwith2
I am not sure if she is more established, I know nothing about her, except that she has a 22 year old daughter and works literally 3 mins from my work. I don't think she is the most responsible with money as he was using our line of credit and his credit card to pay some of her bills before I closed the line of credit. I know her house is not in the best shape and he has been doing repairs to it for her. I think she makes him feel needed, where maybe I didn't make him feel that way enough. Which I am truly sorry for as I did need him - maybe still do. I know she doesn't help with the chickens and ducks he has taken since he left (I didn't want to take care of them anymore). She won't feed, water, collect eggs or touch any of the animals, (this is from the kids). She doesn't play with the kids when they are there and he has left the kids with her while he goes out and she completely ignores them except to tell them to be quiet as she can't hear her show...But when it comes time to bring the kids back she has to be in the vehicle, she won't let him come on his own.
I wonder if the shared custody is to save on child support - but in the end he will just have to pay more in daycare costs and everything else so it probably works out to be the same. Plus if she can't stand the kids being there for 2 full days in a row how is she going to handle more time? I think right now he has the best of both worlds - he gets to play that he is a great dad when the kids are there and then go out for meals and spend money like there is no tomorrow when they are not there. I haven't had a full month of child support yet and nothing this month, which would be fine if he would agree to selling the home, but he won't and I can't afford the house, daycare, after school care, and our joint debts on my own.
copingwith2
copingwith2
I also wonder if she is using him to get her house and things done then plans on leaving him behind. He has paid for and replaced flooring, bought and repaired sinks, bought and repaired her deck, bought her a pellet stove for the house as her wood stove was broken and no good. When I asked what she does for him that I can't he just said she is no drama. But of course she isn't they don't have anything together yet. I wish he had been willing to work on it with me, I think we could have made it if he had.
jojored
jojored
" past actions don't matter if he says he is going to make amends".

He has to actually make those amends. The court isn't going to just accept that he says he will do the right thing. Make sure everything you're writing down (a spreadsheet is great for this) also gets put into the divorce decree - that he will pay back mortgage, medical bills for the kids, whatever, Also, if you can, chose the option to have the courts collect the payments through payroll withdrawals. My ex didn't think he owed me a thing, ever, despite what the judge said, but our county probation department handles all of the support collection for me. It's not without some headache, but my ex would have paid me $0 if he had his way. I found my ex started acting more responsibly once we had our first court date. I hope you find that too. He did also back down from wanting 50/50 custody - I guess he finally realized that kids (even older ones like we have) take more time and effort than he can give. Maybe yours, or his GF, will realize this too and ask for less custody. Likely the kids will drive a wedge between them, so I don't guess those two will be together for long anyway.

It did take a year from filing to the end and a ton of money but it was such a relief when it was all over. From the moment I told him I wanted a divorce till the end was a long two year process, and my emotions went from dejected, rejected, thinking I had just about nothing to live for, to relief, peace, and dare I say happiness. You'll get there, hang in.