Hmmm.

Ask him where he stands?

That would be great, if not for the hot/cold tendency that I mentioned. 'Where he stands' changes with the wind. The advice I need is how about how I accept that I will never have the relationship I want with him and how I will handle seeing him socially, because I can't avoid that.

If he keeps bowing hot and cold and changes his mind like the wind changes direction, then I think you already have your answer.

Yeah. If he's indecisive, then you have to make that decision for him.

If I might ask, why do you have to see him socially?

Sorry- hit "add" too soone.

How to react when you see him socially? Cordial, but nothing more. A scial setting maybe isn't the best place to discuss what is going on in your relationship. My STBX wife and I have that rule since we are often at the same party or whatever. We do NOT discuss anything to do with the divorce. If we speak to each other, it's becausewe are involved in a conversation with people.

if he is blowing hot and cold and you are emotionally involved, i don't see a way that you should even try to be around him socially let alone trying to be friends. you are asking too much of your heart to bear.

change your social circle. push him out of your life. do it the easy way. he can't possibly be worth so much trouble.

I have to see him socially because we have the same circle of friends and I do not want to avoid other friends to avoid him...

I know, verne...It would probably make sense to change my social circle, but I have some very good friends who are mutual friends of his. i feel that I need to find a way to coexist and heal at the same time.

Limit contact with these friends for a while so that you don't run into him. It will give you time to heal. Stop all contact with him. After a while of this it won't be so awkward because you'll be back to being virtual strangers.

Just give it time. It just takes time to heal and get over someone you really wanted a relationship with but it didn't work out for whatever reason.
I wouldn't avoid contact with your friends, but hopefully you can avoid too much contact with him for a while to help you get over it.

Just try very hard to not let him know that he is having any effect on you, becasue he may take pleasure playing into that. Try to act as if he is not someone you are attracted to, and slowly but surely you will find that becomes true.

I know time heals all wounds. Cliche, but true. I guess I want a 'quick fix'. A strategy to deal with the here and now.

Maybe there is no such thing...

I can barely get through a day without crying. I just had a gut-wrenching cry, because I told him I could not go on with things as they are.

A good rule of thumb for the future is to never get involved with someone that it would be painfully awkward if you were to break up--like in this instance.

For now, you're going to have to pretend you are like Lauren Bacall and be one cool woman around your social circle. I wouldn't bother with him ever again on the computer or elsewhere or even ask him why he is hot and cold--I think he prefers sex over the computer and that's hard to explain to you. Just drop him completely.

Hmmm...AsTimeGoesBy...I have had that thought cross my mind...that maybe he prefers a fantasy/cybersex experience to the real thing. He has been single for about 6 years, told me he had had a love/hate relationship with his ex, and when he did have sex with me, he told me it was the first time in years.

We did speak tonight and decided to part ways, to an extent. I feel a bit relieved, but I do know I will see him at functions. It won't be easy.