Does he know you are ready to drop the hammer? Have you discussed with him the issues you see that are so disastrous you are willing to take this route? Divorce should be the last step, it may make you happy but will affect the kids and each others families forever. Is marriage counseling possible?

I ask these because my wife ended our marriage without ever explaining her unhappiness to me. She too claimed she had thought about it for years, but never once sat me down and told me. Its a huge step to take for your own happiness, it changes everyones lives in your families.

I agree. My husband checked out long before he told me he was having any issues. He was planning leaving long before he told me. It might be too late for you too, but I agree with kbbcoop, divorce should be last resort. It is changing my life forever and the lives of my children. Your children will still be effected at their ages. But their ages will make it easier for you to go limited contact.

I'll third that. My first clue was seeing an email that said "I'l planning to leave my husband, but there is just too much going on right now." I tried everything to prevent it, and then to get her back with two partial reconciliations that she walked away from.

So, while I think it is fair to communicate and seek marriage counseling if you are open to it, I also agree with brighteyes. IF you are SURE you are done, then move forward quickly and be done. Don't drag him through false hope. I can attest to the cruelty of that.

Best wishes for whatever path you choose to follow.

OK, some more background. We were in marriage counseling for a year, during which time I seriously considered leaving. At that time, my daughter really needed guidance from both of us though and I decided divorce would just be a distraction from her issues. Now she is much better grounded and I have time to think. All the same issues are still here and we've talked them through way too many times to be productive!

Do I find an apartment and be ready to leave as soon as I tell him? I guess that's probably best. I'm just not used to keeping secretst!

If you have made up your mind then yes be ready to leave. don't give him false hope. My husband did and still does that to me. It is the worst form of hurt. You may not intend to do it but don't let your own bad feelings or guilt tell him things that make him think you will come back.

everyones different.. just be careful here.. for me, I found my ex cheating and after the initial emotional blow, we sat down and broke our life down as amicably as we could.. filed together, and divorce was over before it felt it started.. if at all possible this would be the route I'd suggest.. talk it over with him, tell him your thoughts, try to work out the muddy details together on how to split things.. 25 years together is alot to split..

on the other side of the coin.. my brother and his wife had a huge fight, he left.. the next morning his accounts were closed and all the money was taken and deposited into newly opened NON joint accounts, his divorce has been a fight from day one, not a single decision made in peace, thousands of dollars in lawyers fees.. a fight he eventually just gave in to to make it go away after 2 years..

just be aware your decision to leave is NOT the only decision here.. alot of this process is joint decision making.. if at all possible, try to end things in away that doesn't slam that door.. a long road ahead, we're here if you need advice..