I know how much times like this hurt. Everyone copes differently. Try not to focus on him right now—just yourself. Because really, it doesn't matter how he's coping. All that matters is how you find strength to move forward. Be patient with yourself. Allow yourself to grieve and cry. It's healthy.

I'd be interested to see some of the forums men reply here.

Perhaps men respond differently, perhaps it's just a veneer to keep feelings in check...I really couldn't venture to guess.

Regardless, the only person you should be focusing on is yourself.

It's a new way of thinking for many of us.

Whoever taught us we were supposed to be focused on and caretakers of the emotions of others did us a huge disservice.

I was and still am to an extent way to worried about and focused on others..

My job now is to turn that around and if someone else walks away because of it, that's okay. But I'm never get caught in that trap again.

It's also a good way to avoid our own pain. Focus on what the other person is doing. It's painful at times, but i realize the only way out is through, or I end up back where I started. And I'm not going around that mountain again, that's for sure.

SERENA WILLIAMS
RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SHOULD NOT BOTHER YOU ANYMORE, I CAN LEAD YOU TO THE WAY TO A BETTER RELATIONSHIP, EMAIL ME ON SERENAWILLIAMSUK@GMAIL.COM, I CAN HELP YOU TO MAKE SURE YOU HAVE A SUCCESSFUL AND SWEET MARRIAGE OR RELATIONSHIP EVEN IF YOUR LOVER IS NO LONGER WITH YOU.

SERENA WILLIAMS

Stbx has coped with every challenge in life with total lackadaisical behavior. And I mean everything, from owning up to the small "oh I forgot to (insert whatever promise he made)" to putting in zero effort with the marriage counselor. Nothing is a big deal to him.

Irresponsibility, laziness, carelessness, ineptitude, defense mechanism - whatever it is, it is no longer our problem.

Their ways of coping are no longer our concern, unless they interfere with what we need to do to get our new lives in order. Then, because we know how they operate, we can employ whatever tactics we need to get past them.

Look beyond him and his cheezy buddies and his porn.

From reading your first post, you have very mixed emotions at this time. How long until he moves out? That appears to be the most critical thing. Seeing him all the time and how he appears to not care is torture. His bi-polar dx is a huge issue on top of all the triggers you have. your only hope to start healing is for him to leave and you stop all contact since you've made the decision that it won't work. Get therapy for yourself to start healing and retrain yourself not to worry about him. He is not the average man, but that's what you're having to deal with. Daily journaling just for yourself or to friends here if you want feedback is a good way to start processing the jumbled mess of emotions.

Its never easy to seperate from an abuser Thats
why its so important to have professional Support
And guidance. It can be a very dangerous time and
He is showing no remorse or concern for his actions
Even then that means nothing.

MTC and Ilene are great along with Women's aid
or shelter people or trained abuse specialist. This
is beyond most peoples Scope. My ex was not
physically abusive and i Never had any real fear
of him only his tongue. HUGS

Wait until he is gone,out...then come here,cry,post. Call a friend. I know how you feel. Just do the best you can to 'emotionally shut-down'. It takes time.... :(

He may care and he may not. If his behavior has always been like this, I am not sure why you are surprised. This is just who he is and most likely how he deals with life is drink beer, look at porn and just hang in his room dealing with life.

I think a lot of people think that how we react, act or handle situations, others will react, act or handle it the same way. So we gauge others feelings based on what we think they should do cus, thats how we are during these times. When in reality, people just handle it differently, including internalizing it.

and then there are times, especially in relationships, people don't realize the extent of the issues until it hits them in the face. So when or as you are progressing with the separation / divorce, he may think nothing is really going to happen, cus, nothing has really ever happened. You have been living with this behavior all this time, so why would he think any differently? It may be as the finality of it starts to happen in the physical world with papers being drawn and decisions being made final, that it starts to hit them.

Sounds like he is Ok with drinking beer and staying in a closed room or isolating in a house all by hisself. While you want to get out and do things. Very different people. You have not grown together, or maybe he hasn't grown at all. Some people are just who they are and why they are surprised when the other who is maturing and growing is doing so on their own path really.

I'm a 40 year old man. And my wife is not looking at porn, but acts just like your husband. Goes out with friends does things like it doesn't bother her ,while i think about all the great memories we've had over 16 years. And feel like I will never get over her. So I think it just depends on the person! But good luck! And God bless us all.