Breakups & Divorce Support Group

Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.

13,010 Members

100,360 Posts

0 Online

PeterMaq 09/23/2011

It's been over 07 months and everytime I go pick up my kids for school, she comes out and trist me people, she still moves me inside, I still love her in every sense (physical and emotional), and lately she's been very friendly with me, I don't know if she's thinking it over and maybe she's reconsidering us, or maybe she's just been polite for the sake of the children and it's only my mind playing tricks on me playing the fantasy game that my marriage will be again and that everything will soon be alright again.

I still can't get over the cheating of her, the lies, and all of the crap that came since then, but I still miss like hell my family, my kids and my wife, and my life as it was before she decided to have a new life without asking any of us. There's not a single day that when I wake up I wish befor I open my eyes that I'm back in my bed with my wife, but reality kicks in a second later.

I know this is my life now, and even though I didnt get to choose it (she chose it for me and for my kids) i don't like it. Don't know if it is time to move on and find a nice girl to start a new relationship or just hold on and see if she changes her mind (which a part of me says that's a waste of time, and that I hace to accept taht my mrriage is over and she is living her new life that doesnt include me)

Every sunday she and I with the kids go out to a movie, to eat and to the market, if you run into us at any of this places, you wouldn't believe that we were separated, there are no holding hands or kisses, but you would see a couple with their children having a nice sunday, later in teh evening after the kids are asleep, she makes me dinner and we talk for about a couple of hours about her new job and stuff like that until its about midnight and then I go on my way, but she kisses me goodbye not on the lips but very close to it, and we hug, that's thepart that confuses me everytime and everyday.

But for the rest of the week, she doesnt call me during the day or anything, and we talk only at night when I call my kids to say goodnight, and that's when she sometimes talk tome for abput an hour or so about her work stuff (never about mine) and I just listen and listen.

I know this is hurting me, because I'm having high hopes and living a fantasy in my mind that we'll be together somehow, but as I said before, I know that's not going to happen, at least not for now, . . .i dont know, I am very confused and very sad, I miss my family and I miss her even after what she did, it's 10 years or marriage and I always thought thta we had a nice one, but I guess I was wrong, am i wrong for feeling like this ? for missing her and still love her ? I am wrong that after 07 months sometimes I still cry about it and I hurts me ?

Wolud really appreciate your thoughts about this, thanks all !

deleted_user 09/23/2011

It is absolutely normal for you to feel this way, PeterMaq. You had a long and, what you thought was a successful marriage. Be kind to yourself and do not beat yourself up for your feelings. They are normal. I do want to ask though, do you feel that you can trust her again? Is she still with the person that she cheated on you with? Is that working? It seems that you feel that you can trust her again. If she is NOT with anyone, why not make known to her how you feel? I think that 7 months is more than enough time for things to settle and for both parties to have a clearer perspective on what happened. I think at least if you made known how you feel, again granted that she is NOT seeing anyone, you would probably feel better. If she says, "Okay, let's try again" you would have an answer. If she said, "No, I don't want to do that" it would be a healthy closure for you and would perhaps help you to not engage in wishful thinking. I hope this helps.

deleted_user 09/23/2011

First and foremost you need to take care of yourself not just for you but also for your kids. Just imagine how will your kids feel if you are hurt or feeling sad. And yes the feeling is normal. I know a happy family life was the first best option but I believe this is the second best option and I am sure you don't want to make the second best option as your worst option. I am not saying that you should not be together but it is not in just your hands. Take the things as they come rather than hoping for something that your mind want to hope. My advice will be step back and look at what you have and not what you don't have. You have "you", your lovely kids, your ex as a caring mother and a good friend to you. Step back and assess the reality (Whatever it could be-You are the best person to assess it). Don't read between the lines and you are reading what your fantasy want you to read. Without her you should be really happy and with her it will be icing on the cake. Good luck!!!

terrondt 09/23/2011

brotha, i hear ya. my wife tried to be friends with me but i am having none of it. i am not in love with my wife anymore but when she cheated on me twice(i forgave her the first time) it turned to real dislike. we agreed to be civil but not friends. real friends dont cheat, lie and stab u in the back time and time again. just be careful brotha not to get false hopes. i think it is nice she is still sociallizing with you but maybe for the kid's sake she is doing this? trying to be so friendly to get rid of guilt for ending the marriage? just dont get hurt man. in my case there are no kids involved so it is easier. there are a lot here on this message board who feel the same way you do.

deleted_user 09/23/2011

I've only been separated for a few months,but my husband only lives a street away,and of course we talk about our kids everyday on the phone.I still sit next to him( but not too close!) to him at soccer games,etc...I have to say,I don't know how you do the every-Sunday thing.It would kill me.It would be too much like being together again.Kind of like a huge mixed-message to your heart.I found out( and I am still learning) that the more time I spend with him,the longer we talk,the harder it is for me.If I keep it short,to the point,then I'm better off.
Personally,I don't think seven months is enough time to even come to terms with being apart.Separation,divorce-that's a huge loss.You lose your spouse,your best friend,your family as it was.You lose your dreams of the future,your illusion of the perfect life.All of a sudden,it's,"Okay,you've loved this person for ten years,but now you have to stop." I'm still very much in mourning.
On the other hand,can you forgive her? Are you willing to maybe get your heart broken again? Seems like the ball was always in her court,but you have to think about YOU,as well.There's a big difference between still loving and grieving over someone,and letting that person run over you again with false promises.I am seeing a pychologist,and it's been very helpful to me.Yes,I still love him.No,I cannot accept a marriage on the terms he wants.
I'd at least ask her if she's seeing other people.Because if she is,then,maybe you have your answer.She seems to be getting the best of both worlds: the single life and her best buddy.I'd ask her where you stand and tell her you want the truth.It's the only way you're going to be able to start taking steps forward,whether with or without her.I hope I haven't offended you in any way.These are just my opinions,and I'm obviously not an expert,because then I wouldn't be in this support group! lol Good luck.

Join the Conversation