Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
Hello I am new to the site. I am going through the hardest thing I have ever had to go though and I try to explain to my family what’s it feels like and how it is in my head and in my heart. No one gets it and that’s because they have never been through this and I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. This will be long but I have to get it off my mind and out there so maybe someone can help me and give me new ideas on how to deal with this. This is what’s going on my wife of 6 years is leaving me. We have two kids together and I don’t get to see them that much and that’s my fault. I want more then anything in the world for my family to get back together forever. I had a bad reaction to an antidepressant and called the doctors for help and told them I was having aggressive thoughts and they call the cops to do a welfare check and for some reason they told my wife I was having homicidal thoughts about her and I have never said anything like that and never would. But because of that she left the state for 21 days and I didn’t see them and I didn’t get to talk to my kids that much. She told me that we would work on our marriage when she got back but I was to pushy and didn’t give her room to breathe or think so two days before she comes home she tells me that she is going to get her own place to live. I thought we would still work on us but the day she got back I was trying to see my kids and she told me she wanted a legal separation and it hit me like a freight train all I wanted to do was talk to her about it. The next few days were super hard. She wouldn’t talk to me she wouldn’t let me see my kids in 63 days I only got to see the 2.5 hours. She put a protection order against me. Then on November 4th she called and asked if we could talk and I said yes and we did things look like they would turn around then once again my fault I wasn’t taking my antidepressant like I should have and on the 12th I started to say good bye to everyone and they all got scared and she called the cops and I went to jail for two days the day I got out on the 14th I sat a Taco Bell for a while and it so happened to be really near a place she goes all the time well she came and then we talked and it was more like have a heated discussion. She found out I was there for a while and she called the cops and I went back to jail and sat there for a week. Since I have been out I went and talked to her and we put everything out there and then forgave each other. But the problem is she doesn’t act like it and it kills me I don’t know what is going on. Today she told me that we shouldn’t talk for a while so once again I feel like my heart got ripped out. Any help on how to deal with this would be great thanks
If you're honest with yourself, you know she's just trying to protect herself and those kids. She doesn't know what's going on inside your head. She can only go by the things you say and do. And dude, you're looking kind of crazy about now, even by your own report.
Dial all that shit down and find your center. There is a chance this can all work out, but not if you keep going at it this way. You're acting like a bull in a china shop and the shit you are breaking cannot be easily replaced, if you know what I mean.
You need to stay on the meds, get a therapist to help you through this and once you are stable, try to reconcile. Right now you are being pushy and unpredictable and it's clearly scaring the hell out of her.
You say you have never been aggressive towards her or the kids. We can literally terrorize someone without laying a hand on them. It's really good that you understand what you were doing was not acceptable and not likely to get you back with your family. I can tell you motivated to refrain from that type of behavior, because you love your family.
You say you would never do anything to hurt your family ON PURPOSE. That leaves the door open to do hurtful things by accident. Don't leave the door open in your own mind. Your internal self talk should sound something like: "I have never and will never harm my family physically, mentally or emotionally. I want them to associate me with safety and protection from all the dangers of the world."
The steps you need to take are:
Get on and stay on your medication. It does not matter if you want to or not. It does not matter if you think it's working or not. Stay on it! Report how you are feeling at your scheduled appointment and work with your doctor to adjust dosing for maximal effect.
Stay connected with your mental health providers and get in as many therapy sessions as possible.
Find support groups you can attend in person. Talking face to face with other men who have similar problems will help you keep pointed in the right direction and their feedback will be invaluable. You can't do this alone.
Make sure you are eating, sleeping and exercising properly. I know you are probably putting yourself last right now. You need to invest time, energy and money in getting better so you can be there for you family and enjoy the life you want.
Stay away from drugs that are not prescribed for you and stay away from alcohol. It may seem like they help but they are in fact keeping you down. If you have a tendency towards depression, know alcohol is a central nervous system depressant. Alcohol can really mess with your psychotropic medication.
Don't hesitate to call a crisis line when you bottom out. I know you probably didn't like the outcome the last time you reached out for help but you really needed the inpatient stay. It's always a shock the first time you are inpatient. You eventually get used to it and learn how to streamline your stay, remain in charge of your care and shorten your stays.
Begin a journal. One that no one but you have access too. Be brutally honest with yourself about what you're thinking and what you are capable of. If you don't like what you read, get crisis intervention. This is a way you can really keep a handle on your anxiety, anger and rage. There's nothing like seeing it all written down to give you that jolt of reality you need. I keep a livejournal that's locked up just for me to read. It really helps.
I tell guys this all the time. Put a nice thick rubber band around your wrist. Every time you think of doing something you know you shouldn't or you begin obsessing about your wife, give it a good hard snap. The micro dose of pain will retrain you to stop engaging in that behavior. You are in effect changing your own behavior by retraining your not to think of those negative maladaptive things.
Keep coming back here to touch base as you progress. Give daily updates and let others offer positive support. Good luck. You can do this!