Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
I have a feeling I am going to have some strong reactions to this, but here goes ...
my partner is consistently making mistakes, we love eachother very much but he makes massive errors and is extrememlly irresponsible.
I recently discovered he has gotten himself into massive debts with pay day loan companies. We discussed it and he didn't come to me because I bailed him out of debt last year and warned him not to ask me for help again when I was still mad about it. So, this time when he found himself struggling he thought asking for help from me was not an option and instead dug a massive hole which I ended up bailing him out of.
He seems very sorry and says he is commited to change, and I am now in charge of all the finances.
I was just wondering if anyone had any experience of this level of irresponsibility with money?
Do you think change is possible? Or should I get out before he drags me down with him?
Thank you x
my partner is consistently making mistakes, we love eachother very much but he makes massive errors and is extrememlly irresponsible.
I recently discovered he has gotten himself into massive debts with pay day loan companies. We discussed it and he didn't come to me because I bailed him out of debt last year and warned him not to ask me for help again when I was still mad about it. So, this time when he found himself struggling he thought asking for help from me was not an option and instead dug a massive hole which I ended up bailing him out of.
He seems very sorry and says he is commited to change, and I am now in charge of all the finances.
I was just wondering if anyone had any experience of this level of irresponsibility with money?
Do you think change is possible? Or should I get out before he drags me down with him?
Thank you x
I don't know.....everyone has their own deal breakers....what are yours?
If you've bailed him out again, after you said you wouldn't.....you've got to stop enabling him. If you share a home together, then this is tricky business.
Personally, financial irresponsibility is a huge red flag to me. I view it as a lack of responsibility in general, and entitlement. But, that's just me. Maybe because I've learned the hard way. My ex husband came into the marriage with lots of credit card debt that I paid off for him. His spending habits didnt change much, I just became his pay check.
This is certainly one of my deal breakers! And I never ever thought I would stay with anyone who was so irresponsible, and yet here I am.
You are absolutely right, I shouldn't be enabling him. It was one of the mainn topics when I was deciding whether or not to do this for him. I have done my best to make him aware that I don't think I am helping him learn anything by bailing him out, and I have told him it certainly won't be happening again IF we survive this.
It is good to hear from someone who has first hand experience of this, and I certainly do not want to feel like his pay check.
If it weren't for my emotional involvement I would definately be out of there. Perhaps I am destined to learn the hard way :(
There is a definite difference between helping someone out of a jam b/c we all screw up, in order to give them a leg up to get running again vs. being their back up when they keep screwing up and in that, they don't learn how to stand on their own two feet and manage their life in that way. Have you asked him WHY he keeps doing this? My reasons were based on impulsivity that coincided with being an addict (now in recovery) and I just lived in the moment. So, until I started getting other parts of my life within my control, I didn't think too far in the future and approached so much of it all with, "I'll deal with it later" or so and so will help me out, but that later never really came b/c I was always blowing my money elsewhere vs. putting it towards bills and where it needed to go and the so and so's stopped saying yes.
And where is all of the money going? Is he gambling? Other? It has to be going somewhere. I had to re-learn how to budget, stick to it, and REALLY understand the difference between wants vs. needs. It was hard, but its the only way I am getting myself out of the mess I made and in that? I am also paying back those who helped me out. There is nothing wrong with second changes, but I would make sure he understands that if you guys do survive this, and should it ever happen again that it is indeed a deal breaker. And be prepared to hold yourself to it and walk away if the time comes.
When love comes into play we can overlook a lot, we can forgive a ton...but there has to come a time when actions must reflect what they are saying. Patterns are patterns...they can be broken and people can change and improve...but there has to be steady willingness to do so and actions that support that very willingness.
--TRUST. To me, he would be breaking trust because him and I would have set goals and be relying on each other to handle money in a proper and appropriate manner. With his history and him AGAIN back into trouble and into payday loans, this would be a real break in my trust of him financially, as well as a major crack in our relationship.
--ROOT. You two must sit down with him and he must be confronted about this and you must get an answer WHY. Is this an addiction? Is it stress, the relationship between you two has cracks? Find out what he is spending the money on (shopping, porn, strippers, etc.). Finding out the root of why he is spending and then what he is actually spending it on may help you get to the VERY BOTTOM of this. And you have to get to the bottom of it.
--BILLS. All his bills must be displayed to you and none be held back so that both of you can see what he is spending money on.
--CREDIT COUNSELOR. If you two decide that your relationship will stay together, even on a probationary period, then keep your wallet away and tell him to see a credit counselor as well as a therapist. The credit counselor (I have read before) will appear on his credit report, but his credit report is probably ruined by now anyway). He should work with you on paying his bills and his money and you shouldn't do it alone because you are not his mother and shouldn't take on that role alone--he must learn to handle money. The therapist will want to get to the heart of his addiction and he has to work with a therapist who deals with addictions.
Then you will want to reset communication between you two. Good luck and many hugs.
Aurorashope, it is great to hear from someone who has experienced this from the other perspective. I am very respectful and grateful of your honesty. I know enabling is not helpful, and although I have helped him I have promised myself that this will be the absolute last time I help him financially (other than supporting him in getting it right for himself, my purse is closed). I have told him this, he seems to understand but I guess only time will tell.
Why? He has been in dept since a young age, and was struggling to pay it off when we first got together (although I wasn't aware at the time, it came out eventually). He turned to payday loans to make payments, and then got more to pay them and so on. He then paniced and gambled what little he did have in a desperate hope to make enough to never have to ask for my help as he knew I would not stand for another incident. But despite this he is generally a live in the moment kind of person, I have explained that if he wants a life with me that means considering the future too.
AsTimeGoesBy, those are some very valid points. My trust in him is certainly cracked to say the least, and if it can be reapired I just don't know at this stage. I feel I understand why it happened, and we have discussed ways of preventing it.