Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
Got a call from the ex this afternoon. I've made it clear that all communication from her should be in the form of text/email and if I'm receiving a call from her number I'll expect it to be the kids wanting to talk to me. Seems pretty straight forward.
Nope, it's her telling me she's got a work trip on Wednesday, her mom is out of town, can I watch the kids Wednesday night. I tell her "Yes, I'd love to watch the kids."
Afterwards I send her a text to re-itterate the rules of text/email only. She can call if the kids want to talk to me. Go outside to work on my yard for an hour and come in to find she's gone ballistic telling me sorry for inconveniencing me, she won't offer an extra night with the kids again, have the night covered don't worry.
I respond with a simple "It's no inconvenience, I love watching my kids. I want all communication to be text/email"
Get another slew of grow up, drop the kids off at the boyfriend's as he'll be watching them. We had changed it so I got the kids an extra 1/2 hour so the kids could have more time that isn't transitional, that's off the table now.
Ouch. Nothing I can do though. I tell her that since we both don't agree on the modified time I'll drop them off at the time stated in the divorce decree and I'll drop the kids off at the boyfriend's.
Get another wall of crazy saying it wasn't a modification but rather a courtesy she offered me and that I'm not co-parenting like an adult.
How? How in the name of...how? I agreed to watch the kids so she could take her trip. I asked for communication electronically. I agreed to her changing drop-off back to the time in the decree. I agreed to drop the kids off at her boyfriend's. Yet...somehow I'm the one who's not co-parenting?
I'm trying to be non-reactive here but it's HARD! I've laid down my end of the rope in the tug-of-war and she still keeps coming at me. How long before she realizes she's not going to get what she wants from me and goes elsewhere?
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In altogether different fun, I learned from my kids on Friday that she's engaged to the new boyfriend already. I'm strangely not effected by this, not even going to bring it up with her. I would have liked to have had her be an adult and be forthright with me rather than having to find out from my kids. My only issue with it was them telling me they were going to have a new brother and dad. TIME-OUT on that, they'll be your step-brother and step-dad. That's not the story they got. Good to know part of the lies being told on the other side at least.
Keep doing what you are doing. She
Will get it one day. No more yanking
Your chain and calling all the shots,
Glad you two have a decree, as time
Goes by emotions hopefully will calm
down and there will be more flexibility.
My BIL went thru all that, eventually the
Co parenting was more fluid it took Time
though. His children ended up Living with
him when they were old Enough to decide,
HUGS
sjs777 - discussed that with them. Hard to do in the car on the way to drop-off. That seems to be where they drop the big bombs for me. Let them know I'd always be there dad and what having a step-dad and step-brother would mean for them. Hard to talk about that stuff when I'm not even ready to start looking to date yet but I think I did a good job of keeping things neutral and letting my kids know I love them and am there for any questions they have.
mirandac - Yeah, it's just to the point where I'm flabbergasted at her reactions to things. My therapist said as I took the high road in things she was going to go WAAAAY down trying to re-balance the scales to where she'd like them to be. Heck, I didn't accuse her of anything, just asked her to communicate electronically. Really hurts that I'm going to lose out on quality time with my kids in the process though.
Found this link though on dealing with a narcissist when you have kids: http://www.narcissismfree.com/art_when-no-contact-can't-work.php. Hopefully someone can pull some good information from there. Seems to agree with what I originally wrote so that makes me feel like I'm doing something right.
All you can do, is try not to let her have power over your emotions, and to make sure you show your children what a healthy, rational adult thinks like. I'm sorry you've been put through all of this. Totally unfair.
YOU are doing fine. Not your job to figure her out or fix her or feed her addiction anymore.
Peace my friend.
Sundancer - Thank you for that, I don't feel like a rockstar. Just trying to be me, be there for my kids, and be away from her as much as possible.