Oh, here is my back story for those who don't know...

I have been married almost 3 years. I realized pretty early on in the marriage that we had some problems. I felt invisible, couldn't communicate with him, didn't feel like he cared about my wants and needs no matter how much I tried to tell him. Everything was all about him all the time. He turned that around on me telling me I was an angry, miserable person to be around and that everyone he knew couldn't stand me. He never saw that I was angry and miserable because of the way he treated me. Eventually he became distant and said he wasn't sure he loved me anymore. I kept trying to get him to go to counselling because I wanted to try anything to save the marriage. He said he wasn't ready. About a year ago he was diagnosed with cancer. I didn't press the counselling after that because he needed to focus on his health. I supported him through it, took 4 weeks off work in May to take care of him after his first surgery (during which time he became the man I married again, but then switched back once he felt stronger). After that our relationship went downhill from there. About a month ago he announced he didn't love me anymore, wasn't happy and realized because of the cancer life is too short and he just wanted to live for himself from now on. It was extremely painful, and still is, but I have accepted it, I understand what kind of man he is now and that this is for the best...I have found a place and am moving out Nov 1. My dilemma? His final surgery is scheduled for Nov 15. He will be in the hospital for about a week and there will be a recovery period at home. It is important for me to have no or limited contact with him so I can move on once I'm out of the house. He has friends and family who can support him during this time, but not the way I did the first time around. What is my obligation here, if any, given I am still technically his wife? He hasn't asked me for anything, but am I a heartless b*tch if I don't offer my help if he needs it or check up on him to make sure he is okay? I don't want to. Help?

We've told you before, you don't have any obligation to him. He left the marriage to do his own thing. So let him do his own thing - in the hospital or wherever it takes him. He broke up with you. That's his problem.

Let's be clear here. When you helped him through the first cancer surgery, he started to get better and treated you like terribly. It was a mistake that you made to have allowed yourself to tend to him then.

BUT, you can never make the same mistake twice because the second time you make it--it's not a mistake and it's a choice.

This time you do NOT HELP HIM. You know it will be a repeat of him treating you badly again and he won't appreciate you helping him out.

He have to put an end to this and teach him he can no longer reach out for you for help and he has to reach out to his relatives for help.

Why in the world would you even consider it knowing how bad he treated you before? Cancer isn't a ticket to treat people who help you like they are dirt.

Exactly! He's only nice to you when he wants something from you, then it's back to the same old crap. Time is right, this time it's a choice. What do YOU choose?

Thanks guys...just needed to hear it all again. Now he is telling me that he is confused and thinks maybe he is still in love with me and that he regrets making such a big decision when his head is all messed up. He wants to talk in person to tell me about his problems and explain how he knows what he did to me. I'm ignoring this request. Time - your ex was/is like this right?

He's repeating a pattern. Are you?

Not anymore, just needed a reminder!

You tell him you are NOT CONFUSED and he needs to stop calling you because you're not helping him. He needs to call his relatives. Then hang up.

My ex would barricade the bedroom, beat me up and had sex with me afterwards (that I didn't want) AND would be crying, apologizing and saying he was so sorry and it would never happen again and he would be holding onto me so tight in bed until the next morning when we went to work.

IT HAPPENED AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN. Even when we were in counseling.

DON'T MEET WITH HIM. He doesn't deserve that after the way he has treated you. Make it clear you say NO to the meeting, you don't want him back, and you're not helping him after surgery.

This guy is a serial abuser. Like my husband except my guy was hitting.

I think what threw me was your title, "help me be strong!" My opinion is that you need to find the strength and confidence from within, yes we can be here as a source of support but what happens when you can reach out to someone?

I think that if you don't find that inner strength, you will fall victim to him and to others.

Girrrrrrlllll, you know it's only a decision you can make. What you feel and can live with. We talked about this before, my view hasn't changed. Much support and love