Breakups & Divorce Support Group

Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.

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CKellie 01/16/2017

Hi everyone. I am new to this site, and am looking for some insight from others who may have been in similar situations. (I apologize in advance for it being a long ramble!)

My husband and I have been married for four and a half years. During our marriage, there have been tremendous high/lows...stressful times that were not dealt with well, and my husband has left our home, and has come back numerous times. When we are not in the cycle of him fighting/leaving, things (seemed) great. We were very affectionate with each other, loved spending time together, had common interests, etc.

A little background on us...my husband is a burn survivor, and he did not think he was able to have children but always wanted to have a child of his own. When we married, he became step-daddy to my two children from my previous marriage. And a year after we married, he became a first time biological father to our precious son...the best gift for my husband just shy of his 40th birthday! It seemed like after he had been through so much (a difficult divorce after a 16 year marriage, the trauama of his burn accident as a child and all that has caused him to live with his whole life) he was finally where he wanted to be. He had a family, and we were happy.

Brad has not dealt well with stressful times, and as a blended family and a married couple life isn't always smooth. But, we have always been able to work through things.

A month ago, one day after being intimate with me, "I love you's", spending time as a perfect father/family man...he blew up at me over something completely trivial, escalated the fight to the point that he became physically aggressive towards me, and he packed all of his belongings and left. He has now filed for divorce, also trying to get sole custody of our three year old son, and wants me to pay him child support. I am completely devastated!

We are both christians, and I have been praying non-stop for my husband, and our marriage. I feel completely lost and I truly don't know what to do. It's hard for me to accept that he truly wants a divorce. Part of me thinks he may just be totally overwhelmed, and doesn't want to face things (or doesn't know how?) and so he's running away. I am so afraid he's not going to wake up, and our marriage will be over.

I know that given the rollercoaster I've been on with him, that may seem like it's best (for the children especially), but I genuinelly love him. I know that he's not a bad person, but he has a terrible way of coping with stress and doesn't communicate. :( I love him dearly, and do not want a broken home.

Do you think there is any hope at all? At this point, I am in counseling to try to get through this, and am focusing on my babies but I am hurting very badly. I miss my husband and I know he's hurting. I wish he could see that we COULD get through this, if he would choose to set his pride to the side and get help. I can't see how he wants a divorce when right before he left he was telling me he loved me. How do you switch like that??

I am hiring an attorney to protect me and our son in the custody case, but I am wishing all the while this divorce wasn't looming over my head.

Should I try to communicate with him at all? Stop altogether? I feel like nothing I do is right for him.

mirandac 01/16/2017

One thing i learned the hard way, you can not
Fix or control someone else only yourself. It
Sounds like the marriage has been rocky.

Who knows what he is thinking or Feeling or if
there is someone else you don't know about.

Often times if they Are a checked out spouse.
They have been thinking about leaving for some
time, we just did not know it was to that level.

I am glad you are in therapy to help guide you,
Divorce and separation are life changing events.

I liked divorce care to help with the grieving and
The divorce process. Hugs

Koko 01/16/2017

I am glad to hear you're in therapy and have an attorney. Unfortunately you can't change him - he needs to realize he needs help. Stay strong and just focus on your kids and yourself now.

CKellie 01/16/2017

Thank you both. It is such a painful thing, and the feeling of not being good enough for him...not worth fighting for, is so hard. I am really hoping that he'll start talking soon. Regardless of if the divorce becomes reality, we have a child together and he has to be willing to talk. :(

mirandac 01/16/2017

I wish you luck with getting any honesty.

Many keep it as close to No contact, only talk
about child concerns, financials And household
issues. Text and Email only, Talk only about the
business at hand only, no personal Talk, None
what so ever.

My ex has no remorse or regrets. He will
Not man up to anything. There is no good
Reason for us to ever speak again. We have
No children. HUGS

Koko 01/17/2017

Yes that's the difficulty I had - accepting that my Stbx did not care for me at all and that he stayed in the 10 year marriage mainly for the kids. And that he didn't even try to make the marriage better or have discussions with me - he just emotionally shut down and at the end had no feelings for me whatsoever. It is sad and I cried. I still cry wondering how I was so deceived but realize there are so many of out there and I will get through this without my husband.

jojored 01/17/2017

"accepting that my Stbx did not care for me at all and that he stayed in the 10 year marriage mainly for the kids. And that he didn't even try to make the marriage better or have discussions with me - he just emotionally shut down and at the end had no feelings for me whatsoever" ----- in a nutshell this is the crux of my situation too (except it was a 29 year marriage). Mine never left, won't. He wants to stay together for the kids and so that we can have a great new house (he built) for parties and Thanksgivings (huh, we have Thanksgiving at our old house every year). It took me a good year or two to get over the hurt of this type of rejection. It's still with me, but I talk myself out of it and tell myself that I am worth more than he can ever see. Good luck. The fence is no place to sit, I hope you're not there long.

euniceps 01/17/2017

Communication is important whether verbal or written. And by all means pray for insight.....God promises to give it to you . (Psalms 32:8)

CKellie 01/18/2017

Thank you all so much for your encouragement. I really do want to believe that we could work through this, somehow, but it is such an uphill battle especially with him not being willing to talk to me. I spoke to his attorney today, and she said that the reason he's filied for divorce is that he feels he's been "falsely accused" of physically hurting me. Which is TOTALLY incorrect...there is a police record and pictures of the harm he did to me. I know that he is not a violent person by nature, but that doesn't erase that he did that to me. He's accepting absolutely no responsibility for any of this. :( For him to have the audacity to say that he should have sole custody and all the decision making authority after his instability and abusing me...it's like we are living in two totally different realities. :( I'm not sure how to deal with any of this.

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