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HELP! Don't know what to do.

19-heartbroken-73
19-heartbroken-73

My husband of 17 years, business partner of 21 year, told me last week that he is no longer in love with me and wants a divorce.  This isn't a complete shock, but still very painfull.  3 years ago I discovered that he had been cheating on my with multiple other women for over a year. And at least 5 years ago he fell in love with another woman.  We haven't been happy for a while. I tried my best to make our relationship work, but it was so hard to trust him again after all the lies.


We have an almost 17 year old daughter, who in less than 3 weeks is going to be going to Europe for a 3 month exchange.  She will be living with her exchange partners family. (her partner has already been here with us for 3 months).


Our dilema is...when do we tell our daughter about our speration? 


Do we tell her this weekend? Before she goes?  If not, then we have to keep living this lie so that there is no chance she finds out while in Europe.  That could happen so easily with social media.


Do we wait until she gets back? We don't want to ruin her experince living overseas.  We don't want her stressed about what is happening back home.  We are worried about her emotional well being while we are not around.


We went to our counselor last weekend...and frankly we stumped him. He didn't know what to suggest.


HELP! The timing absolutely sucks.  What do we do?


Heartbroken


Nick2017
Nick2017
doesnt she have a hint already?.
Nick2017
Nick2017
i am so sorry for your situation. it's a heartbreak.
19-heartbroken-73
19-heartbroken-73
No, actually she doesn't. We have not the typical "fights" that most couples would have had. We have been very good at keeping a happy home.

At least we strongly feel she doesn't have a clue. She will be shocked and devastated.
Misred
Misred
Well, I dont know...that's tough. I think if it were me, I would send her off without saying anything. Otherwise she will be worried and thousands of miles away. See a counselor and ask for advice on how to handle this in the meantime. (((HUGS)))
trisha9054
trisha9054
I agree with Misred. She's only going to be gone for three months. You both can put off the divorce for that long. If you tell her now she might not go or will worry the whole time she is gone
19-heartbroken-73
19-heartbroken-73
Thanks @misred. We actually went to a counselor last weekend for advice and we stumped him.

I don't want to tell her, but I also don't want to continue lying to her.

@trisha9054 My number one priority is her of course. My fear of not telling her is if something happens and she finds out by accident. That would be even worse. I know I can do this for another 3 months...heck I've done 3 years since the cheating. I just hope he can.

Such a tough decision.

I appreciate your comments everyone. Please keep them coming to help me with this decision.
tryingto
tryingto
Kids always make the decision to stay or go much more difficult. I've found however that kids are much more resilient than we give them credit for. She will probably be upset but if she knows she still has the love of both her parents she will bounce back. As far as when to tell her. If you think there is a real possibly she will find out via social media while in Europe then it is best to tell her before she leaves. At least that way you can both give her assurances in person about your mutual love for her.
cigas
cigas
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19-heartbroken-73
19-heartbroken-73
Thanks @tryingto. Still so confused.
Nick2017
Nick2017
you need to let her know. kids are much more mature than you think. Mine is awesome. Dont keep secrets from them. Also also let her know that no matter what you will always be with her....i would suggest consult with a good lawyer too to get you more prepared to scope with this legal battle. if it comes to it.
kbbcoop77
kbbcoop77
Kids pick up what's going on, she might ultimately be relieved if you two havent been getting along..my daughter was 17 when her mom left and really we are happier..less stress, arguing etc... maybe just give her a heads up that a divorce is possible but it won't change your relationship with her
Musicmusicmom
Musicmusicmom
I am so sorry you are going through this, my heart would be broken too. I understand wanting to look out for your daughter in this situation as well. I think one of the first things you have to find out is: will your husband agree to wait until she returns to proceed with a separation? If he is unwilling to wait, you would at least have a couple weeks or so to talk with your daughter and assure her that you will all get through this transition. (Also remind her that you both love her.)

I would also try to put yourself in her shoes. You know her the best. When would you want to find out if it was you?

If he is willing to wait, it might also be a time the two of you could be sure this is the path you want to go down, and if it is, what some of the future decisions are that need to be made. (I'm guessing you need to make decisions about a business if you are still business partners? That sounds like a lot to figure out.)

If he won't wait, or you decide you don't want to wait, maybe a family counseling session would be helpful? If you end up telling her ahead, remember - with the internet - thousands of miles do not seem as far apart as they once used to.

Praying for wisdom for you!
BeStrong
BeStrong
Hi. I would tell her. This comes from a person whose mother kept secrets of a relationship or problems. I rather know now than later. she told me she kept it a secret to protect us. It just made things worse for all involved and we lost trust and respect for her. Kids are stronger than we think. She will be sad; however, she will understand. Best of luck.
19-heartbroken-73
19-heartbroken-73
Such good advice! Now I'm even more confused.
19-heartbroken-73
19-heartbroken-73
My husband told his father on Friday night when they were out for coffee. (He is very close to his father and lives with us....it's actually his house...so even more complications. We've lived with him all our married life. My husband was never willing to move out because he wanted to look out for him. I know...don't even get me started. Lol) He wanted his opinion. He said we should wait tio tell her, So now he wants to wait.

I have a good relationship with his father, however I wouldn't call it a "warm" relationship. He hasn't said one word to me. Not even an I'm sorry to hear about what is going on. Nothing. I don't know what he told him and how he told him. I only know what he said he told him. I asked him to not tell him alone. I wanted for us to tell him together, but he of course he didn't listen. No surprise.

So I don't think I'll be able to convince him to tell our daughter now. He has always put his father before me and will trust his advice more than what I suggest.

I HATE that I am lying to my daughter.