Breakups & Divorce Support Group
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Help, discussion
Posted by: Sk9810/22/2017Mood: Ok
I recently about 5 months ago in may 2017 received a letter through the post. Addressed to myself as I read it i was just stunned, shocked etc... After being married for 19 year's I got that letter from his affair from the other woman. Well i did find out it was his childhood sweetheart. Well he came clean told me the letter was correct. Didn't go into much detail but I wanted to know. Was this wrong of me wanting to know all details? He left me in the April 2017 as I started to ask questions and he went to live with her. Then he had that moment of clarity and didn't want the affair and left to come back to me. Remember I didn't find out about the affair till may. This affair had been going on for 12 months. Was I dum not to notice anything until the last minute? He wanted our marriage to work so 5 months down the line I'm still here. But I have my downer day's when I look over the photos and text messages she had sent me. I seem to go around in circles at the moment with my feelings. One minute I hate him and want to leave and get a divorce. My confidence levels are rock bottom since finding out. Trust issues are major now which I do keep on saying to myself without trust there can't be a relationship. I have access to his phone etc....but he could delete messages and keep what he wants to show. I hate him for making me feel this way I haven't been the same the old me since finding out. I've lost interest in my passion of a hobby. How can I learn to move on? This woman did love my husband so much and probably still does even tho she says she wouldn't have him back if he was the last man standing. I just can't forget the hurt and 12 months of his separate life he lead. The one thing that cuts my heart in two is the text he sent her at the beginning of their affair. (you haven't been far from my thoughts for year's and I don't think I have ever stopped loving you really). So has our marriage been a sham for 19 year's? At the moment I feel I should leave him cause he has resorted back to his old way's as taking me for granted. Needing hints to remind him I want to be loved in special little ways. He buys me flowers every month, takes me for meals when finances can. He has tried his very best of winning my heart back. I'm not a person to be vindictive which I haven't until his birthday, which was a couple of days ago. I lied about sending him divorce papers for his 50th birthday. I've talked to the other woman in question gave her a hard time and called her the home wreaker etc....Yes she might be right saying he was the one that came looking for her so our marriage was on the rocks long before the affair. She also called me a fool for taking him back. Because as she says if it wasn't her it would of been someone else. I'm not sure if he is going through a midlife crisis? In the beginning of our marriage I did find him chatting to other women well left his password and history on the computer way back in 1998... I seemed to moved on from that until this affair... I just can't seem to move on am I just staying with him for me, or feeling sorry for him? There's only been a few occasions within that 5 months I've told him I loved him. We have history off 21 year's together but married for 19 year's. Am I normal for feeling this way as I wasn't hacked off in the beginning of finding out until now? Help or anyone else been through this? Either side stayed with the person they loved or went their separate way's? I'm kinda questioning myself why I'm with him as our marriage run it's course?
Thanks for reading
Well, I hope for you to feel comfortable. You are in a helpful group of this support system & friendly help is easy to find here. And I admire that you are thoughtful to thank others for reading your post :-) The good is that you can use this site as you would a real-life friend & confidant, which this helps that personal matters & problems are well inside of a private corner. Feel free to write out your deepest thoughts & feelings. The more you tell of your circumstances the better understanding & knowledge comes back to you as useful help or tips & shared experiences by others.
To get to the point, what's happening with you is certainly not easy for you to evaluate while figuring alone; however, you are not only normal to feel disturbed with the idea of your husband's selfish behavior, yet you are smart to know that you have to stand-up to him, there are consequences to his thoughtless choices. Unfortunately, I figure that he was never solid with you from the beginning though. In short, his heart was not "in it" when you married. And this is common conditions in many marriages. Some have married and much later realized that their significant others were still single-minded, or still living that carefree type of lifestyle, tricking the other partner by occasional abstract behaviors of true love.
I also can tell that the occasional bouts of your anger & love is justified because you know that you'd have left many years ago if you had any clue of knowledge of his weaknesses with this old flame. (She should be ashamed too. ) I'd feel truly cheated on too, because he waited way too long & his mess caught up with him - different if he had the guts to tell you. No mercy rule is in force now.
Then, while I hate to admit this: stats tell that many marriages never survive infidelity, by lack of trust, hard to recover or return to desirable living, always suspicious. And, sadly, as she indicated to you that you are not very clever to stay in the marriage, the other woman was giving you a good hint that she knows more of how your husband feels & thinks of you than you personally know. Because of this additional knowledge, I'm assuming that you did right to confront her, angry or not, you did the right thing to face-off with questions; you deserve to know where you stand between the two of them.
I know that this news is exhausting to you & you are going to have to figure a specific objective to either stay or go, so you will be stressed to target a plan, of which this action takes time to unfold. But do stay focused inside the faith of your conscious mind & don't repress your true feeling as you communicate to your husband. Stay civil for the sake of safety too, at least until you have made plans to move out, that is, if you decide to leave him. Additionally, being reluctant to leave is expected of you because this is still completely unexpected conditions & strong emotions are still sinking-in to that tender side of you. Keep repeating to yourself, no matter what the circumstances, that this is not your fault, and be aware of false feelings of guilt-driven thoughts, impulsive emotions, yet shrug off dumb feelings & do what you have to do that's wise & in the best interest to make yourself happy.
I am so sorry that this thing is happening. I pray that God guides you to do what's smart & fair for the sake of a joyful life which you do deserve to be happy.
...ℛℰℳ¡Åℋ... ✘♥✘♥
I also forgot to mention I blamed myself and still do. Thinking it was all my fault, he still doesn't know why he did it. All I got, I was inquisitive to what she was doing with her life.. To me that's a lame excuse, then obviously one message lead to another. Since finding out I guess I've been through all the emotional states. Even tried to spice up our Sex life thinking that's why he left... I'm hoping this is all normal with anyone that's been cheated on...I understand the stats of trust... But he wants us to go for counselling? I've also checked out how much it is for a divorce these days in the UK.. I feel stuck in limbo at the moment maybe after 5 months of this it's finally hit me... Thanks for reading again x
Counseling is good. Go to talk to someone. They all know about cheating spouses. They can help you heal yourself.
Hugs.
" She also called me a fool for taking him back. Because as she says if it wasn't her it would of been someone else. "
" . . . even tho she says she wouldn't have him back if he was the last man standing."
Lol, and you believe her ! ?
In 19 years your husband cheated on you once, not with a work colleague, the secretary or a younger woman, but with his high school sweetheart.
Your husband is not our typical serial cheater, he is escaping. You were very wise for taking your husband back, you didn't beg him to come back, he came back on his own. It wouldn't have ' been someone else ', your husband wasn't looking for sex, he wanted feel something.
Let me tell you a fact : women are very competitive when it comes to a man : that's what makes a preselected man ( married man ) very attractive to women. ( this is based on their behaviour, contrary to what the say when asked )
Understand the dynamics : that woman is a home wrecker. She wants your husband now more than ever, since she left her to be with you. She tried everything she could to keep him, but she just couldn't stop the man from loving you.
Now her strategy is to convince you to leave him, devalue your man in your eyes. Trust me dear : given half the chance she will take him back, don't be fooled
"Then he had that moment of clarity and didn't want the affair and left to come back to me." that's a good thing, he experienced the illusion, the escape, and he now knows what it really is. The picture his mind created abt the 'escape ' the affair, was far from reality. . now he knows for sure, and he is done with the OW and is sure of what/who he really wants.
" But I have my downer day's when I look over the photos and text messages she had sent me." she even sent you photos and text messages, this one is a real home wrecker, but it shows desperation; she knows she has completely lost the man
" He buys me flowers every month, takes me for meals when finances can. He has tried his very best of winning my heart back. "
Is your husband perfect? No! Mr Perfect doesn't exist. Is he a good husband, i think so. Divorcing your husband of 19 yrs, who cheated on you once, with his high school ex girlfriend, would be the foolish thing to do. And the man is fighting for your heart.
Men's cheating is not equal to a woman’s cheating ( sorry feminists, but I can prove this but I don't have the time and space ) : if the roles were reversed I would be advising your husband to get a divorce asap.
Did your husband feel loved and appreciated ?
@Sk98
Men and women are different; cognitively, neurologically, biologically and psychologically - contrary to westernized feminized socialized presumptions of being the same.
As a result they have different sexual strategies and goals.
The worst thing a man can do is forgive his woman's infidelity - if she cheats once it's over.
The truth as I see it is we're all imperfect humans in an imperfect world. We make mistakes, we lie and we sometimes cheat. If your partner didn't honor his vows that's his mistake. Trust, once broken must be earned back again. If you want the relationship, then you have to give him opportunity to prove himself. Digging through all the texts and stuff like that is keeping you raw and unable to move on. Read it once, put it away and move on if you want the reconciliation to work. If you can't or won't let it go, then leave.
Right now he's not hurting you, you're hurting you by tormenting yourself with that material. Your statement that he's making you feel like this is inaccurate. He doesn't make you feel, you make yourself feel based on how you frame this situation in your own mind. You are hurting because you want to hurt...to find meaning in the pain or to punish yourself for not seeing all those months. He did what he did. He not only betrayed his vow to you, he lied to your face every single day for an entire year. Lies of omission are still lies.
You have the power to stop all the hurt, just by saying 'oh hell no' and then putting him out of your house and out of your heart. That's so much easier than you ever think it's going to be. You just accept that he was not the person you thought he was and switch gears. It's as simple as that. Walk away, don't look back and get on with doing all the things you ever wanted to do with your life. It can honestly be very liberating.
As far as him being atypical cheater, what does that really mean? Quite a few men hit middle age and as part of their little mid-life crisis they look to the past for the blast of bliss they think life owes them. Some guys buy sports cars, others engage in an office romance, and still others reach back to rekindle that something special they think got away from them. It does't mean you did anything wrong. You aren't to blame for you husband's cheating. If he were a man of honor, he would have asked you for a legal separation before pursuing his interest in another woman.
Women can be competitive, but over a cheating husband? Come on now. I think TOW may be suffering from sour grapes, so take what she says with a grain of salt. But also use caution in this situation with your husband. Maybe he just found out how much it costs to divorce a wife of 19 years and just decided to eat crow and stay. Maybe he got confused for 365 days about what he wanted, bonked another woman's brains out whenever he wanted and decided you were really what he wanted. Whatever, none of us can judge your situation better than you.
The point is, you have to get off the fence and land on once side, cause every woman know exactly how painful setting on the fence can be. Best of luck!