Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
Hello everyone,
Great to see such a range of discussion points. I have regrettably come to the conclusion that today is the first day of my divorce and I'm scared, concerned, ashamed and sorry. I know you are supposed to prepare for it (put important possessions in storage, make sure we both have copies of key docs etc.) but I've been avoiding all of that stuff and right now none of it matters. Don't really care about house, money, possessions, who gets the bone-handled cheese knife etc. as long as I can survive the lonliness and build back slowly. I'm a man in my mid-fifties so I am looking forward to a couple of decades of something new and am focussing on that.
I know I am going to need support, and be able to read other peoples experiences and perspectives and maybe even help, so am really glad to be here.
Cheers!
I think it is normal to feel all the ways you are feeling. There is a certain shame to having a relationship fail so badly it must be severed. But this is kind of what we call "stinking thinking" or not helpful thinking. You see, when we take on the shame, we feel depressed and unhappy. Even if your behaviors caused the divorce, you can learn and heal and grow. But if we see this differently, we can feel more relaxed and less depressed. Sit down and flip how you think to this: one door has closed in your life but perhaps it has to close to create a way for another door or window to open. One has to be finished before the next and better thing can happen.
If you assume you will be lonely, you will be. If you see yourself as now free to create a happier, better life, you will feel better. I think we do have to grieve the death of a marriage or relationship. Divorce is not easy and sometimes our former partners act ugly and it is very hurtful. You can survive and build back a happier life or you can decide to stay in depressed, victim, full of self pity mode. But first, feel how you feel now. Don't ignore how you feel. Try to understand why you feel this way, understand yourself.
I divorced at age 50, my spouse was a drinker and drug user to self medicate his mental health disorder. I put up with 30 years, although I knew it was a mistake after 6 months of marriage but I was ashamed to give up. So dumb me had several children thinking I could fix the marriage. We can only fix ourselves and have no power over other people is what I finally learned. I've gone on to heal and remarried a better person and use the lessons from the first marriage to the betterment of the second. Every couple has problems but it is how one deals with the problems that counts. Wishing you the best.