So I don’t want to kill myself but I can’t tell you how painful this experience, this loss is. I was involved with a man for 3.5 years. About 3 years he lived here in the same city as I do but he later moved across the country to Virginia Beach for work. I was devastated but I must slow down. He and I were never a couple. We met from an online hook up site where I was his first guy he had been with (before I transitioned to female) and I was the first person to make him ejaculate. When we first met, we had a lot of fun but as time went by (he identified as bi by the way), we texted all the time and shared personal things about each other. We seemed to really enjoy being with each other and he told me plenty of times I was the best sex he ever had but we also had a really good friendship where we could talk about almost anything except what we were doing with others. Through the years, we would argue and separate. I wanted him to communicate more clearly, be direct and come over more. He enjoyed his freedom and independence but only a few months would go by before he came contacting me again, saying he was sorry and he didn’t mean to hurt me and Agreeing to work on the things I said. Fast forward to last year, I realized I was falling in love with him. I broke every rule I had with guys you just sleep with. We would text often throughout the day, not even to meet up for sex, and he would text me even more when he was out of town and we would text late at night through the early morning hours and through the day. The day before Valentine’s Day 2017, he tells me he met someone that he was interested in and essentially although he wanted both of us, he had to see where things went with this guy. I was heartbroken but I got over it until months later he contacts me apologizing and saying that he wanted me back in his life. Each time I keep getting over this guy but it gets harder and harder each time. Now, the main issue is I realize I’m in love with him but he lives 2,000 miles away because he said he needed to focus on himself and leave some of the bad memories behind here, some related to his heart being broken by the valentine’s day relationship. When I find out that his move is more permanent, that he has to stay in va for a few years he thinks to become eligible to leave and return home (us navy), I end things. Then foolishly I make the decision to talk to him three days later and we try to just be friends but my feelings are too strong. He’s a great guy and he cares about me (we still talked practically every day until two days ago) but he doesn’t want a relationship. He wants to do his own thing right now and that includes using sex apps even though he says he mainly masturbates and is on the sites just to Chat when bored. He doesn’t like where he lives now and wants to come back but Making this situation worse, I transitioned to female via two big surgeries while he’s been gone and we agreed he was suppose to take my virginity. Making things even worse, I went on one of the apps and chatted with him pretending to be someone else where he actually told me that he thought we’d be better as friends and that he didn’t want to take my virginity because he didn’t want to reaffirm my feelings for him. So after he caught me on there after I lied, I came clean and we both agreed that we needed to break things off. But I feel like I’m dying. I know I don’t need a man to be complete, I was a stable happy person before I met him but now all I do is cry throughout the day. I know I need to get out and do things. Because I just had one of the surgeries I’m limited from doing much physical activity until abiut three more weeks. I’m also off of work for the next three weeks. I tell my friends but nothing makes me feel better. I just cry. I know we can never be in each other’s lives now because if I had just stuck to my guns and ignored his attempts to come back, I never would have ended up here. At 28, this is the longest relationship I have had because men my age just seem to want to fuck me not date me. I’ve changed my vibe to start to attract the right kind of guys but being transgender, so many men still just look at me like a sex object. I’m devastated. I don’t want other men, I want this one. This is my second relationship even though it wasn’t a real relationship. I just don’t know how I’m going to survive now. I’m embarrassed. Again I was a full person before I met him. How could I let this happen? What did I do to deserve this? I need to delete the text message thread and his pictures but it’s just too painful. For the first time I’ve started thinking about trying drugs and alcohol to escape but I know it won’t help anything. And for the first time I’ve started having suicidal thoughts but I don’t want to end my life. Logically I know things will get better and he’s missing out on a great person but everything inside of me feels like death.