Breakups & Divorce Support Group

Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.

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bluejeanbuddha 05/14/2020

Hello to all.

My wife and I had been together for 17 years, married for 5 (we are in our early 40's). This last Saturday she told me that our marriage was over, with no possibility of staying together. She was certainly the love of my life and, although we had our issues and were "working on things", it came as a complete shock to me. It left me absolutely devistated, feeling completely lost amidst the loss. Add to this that I am going to lose my job in a month or two, don't have the money to move out of our living situation (and no place to go in this pandemic, even if I had the means), all while dealing with a resurgence in physical and mental health issues. Needless to say, and as I'm sure many of you can relate, grief and suffering have now become my world. Virtually every aspect of my life has fallen apart, all within a week's time. I love my wife dearly. I imagined we would be together for our entire lives. She meant so much to me and I always swore that I would do anything to keep us together. Feeling this way, and being aware of the stages of grief, I knew that the "bargaining" and "denial" were going to arise quickly and powerfully. I knew that I couldn't accept this loss and would bargain away even my own needs and wants in order to avoid this loss...until now. I have now chosen to acccept my predicament, I will not deny it and will not be "bargaining" to get my marriage back. In the past I would have run from this suffering, I have now chosen to meet it head on. In the past I would have grasped and clung to the idea of "us" at any cost, I have now chosen to tend to myself in order to let go. In the past I might have chosen to not go on living, I have now chosen to live. Not just get through it, but LIVE through it. Be present through it. Be gentle with myself through it. Be compassionate with myself through it. And, perhaps most importantly, I have now chosen to learn from the wisdom that this situation will present to me. All of this, despite losing everything.

There are two reasons I have presented my story here. First, I understand and appreciate the therapeutic value of expressing what is happening in our lives and the importance of joining in the human experience of our shared suffering. Second, I offer my story as an invitation. I invite you to join me on this path of meeting our suffering head on. We can do it. I invite you to join me in discovering what wisdom we might attain, through our shared experience of suffering. We can do it. I invite you to join me in the journey of transforming our lives for the better, despite what might seem like insurmountable odds. We can do it. To use the words of a very wise person: "Pain is inevitable...suffering is optional".

I have lost everything. My life is complete chaos and unknowing. Nothing in my life now resembles what my life was like a week ago. I am filled with grief, consumed by sorrow. Yet, I have made the choice to not let this beat me. And not just that it won't beat me, but that I will be better because of it. And believe me, if I can do it you can do it. You really can. So again I invite you, challenge you, to join me on this journey. WE CAN DO IT.

“When we meet real tragedy in life, we can react in two ways--either by losing hope and falling into self-destructive habits, or by using the challenge to find our inner strength.”

― H.H. Dalai Lama XIV

ElizaSc 05/14/2020

You sound so strong. Even though it is early days, it sounds like you are on the right path. Stay in touch on here.

bluejeanbuddha 05/14/2020

Thank you, ElizaSc. It definitely is early days and I have no doubt that things will get much more difficult before they get easier. I'm really not so strong (although I appreciate your comment). Like many here I'm overwhelmed with grief and sorrow, full of regret and guilt, debilitated by sadness and loneliness, questioning my future, days full of tears and unknowing. I'm not sure there is much strength left in me at all. In all honesty, any motivation or determination that I possess comes from a very small space of love and compassion that I have fortunately retained through this. It is this last remaining spark of tenderness that is the fuel for my fire, and I intend to hold it close and cultivate it. Not just for me but for others as well. I really don't know what the future holds (it's hard enough to know what my mental state will be in the next minute!) but I do know that I will not waiver from this path. If not for me, then, at least for others. I will certainly stay in touch on here. My heart is open to all and I am here to walk beside all who are experiencing this. Thanks again for responding, even the smallest bits of encouragement are appreciated and helpful.

Faith20 05/15/2020

One thing that I would suggest is signing up on divorcecare.org. It is 365 days to healing. Each day they send you a comforting/motivational message and phase as we go through this process. I feel like that really helped as well as being apart of this support group here.

bluejeanbuddha 05/15/2020

Thanks so much Faith20. I really appreciate it. Every little bit of help seems worth it in this process and comforting/motivational messages every day sounds like something I really need. Thank you.

MemphisWH 05/15/2020

You are correct, the pain is intense, and must be loved and allowed to live.
The hurt must be acknowledged, and listened to.
We have to learn from the sadness and depression, we have lost, and that loss is great.
We must allow ourselves the time to grief and heal for if we don't we doom ourselves to more pain later.
We have to take care of ourselves, mentally and physically.
Filling our heart and soul with self love and nurturing .
Learning new hobbies, praying, reading the bible, embrace the gift of new live as it comes to being.

bluejeanbuddha 05/15/2020

Thank you so much MemphisWH. I'm having a really tough morning, struggling with the grief. You have reminded me of what needs to be done. Today I will acknowledge and listen to the hurt. Today I will fill my heart and soul with self love and nurturing. Thank you.

ElizaSc 05/15/2020

I totally get the grief. I am full of anxiety and swing from trying to desperately save the marriage to anger about how I'm being treated. Trying to keep it together for my kid and daily long walks are helping take it a day at a time.
I don't know how much advice I can provide because this is consuming all my thoughts too and gnawing away at my self worth but one day it will be better.

bluejeanbuddha 05/15/2020

Thanks for responding ElizaSc, even amidst your own suffering. Do you have any tools/methods for dealing with your anxiety? That anxiety fuels our thoughts and it is really easy, like you said, to be absolutely consumed by them. Having dealt with anxiety issues all my life I certainly understand how big of an impact it can have, add divorce/separation to the mix and it becomes really difficult. That being said, I also know what it is like to apply different (positive) coping strategies in order to alleviate or re-direct the anxiety and overthinking. If you currently don't have any good strategies for the anxiety/overthinking I would be more than happy to present some options to you. My intention in this group is to be a listener and I try not to throw a bunch of techniques/methods/strategies at people but if that is what someone is looking for and needing, I am here to do that too. Thanks again for the response and know that I am here to listen and be present in our shared suffering. Take care.

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