Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
I had only been with my partner for 3 months, but we were planning our "forever". She got out of a four year relationship in February 2017, and struggled with it a lot in the beginning. Her ex asked her for a "break" and she said that she would never have just a break, but it would be a full blown break up. They broke up and she dealt with it poorly by going out and drinking and then getting upset and crying. They were supposed to get married on July 22, 2017. On that date, her and I went to an engagement party for her cousin which I figured would be really challenging for her. After the party I drove us home, and she broke down crying in her car. I asked her what was wrong and she said that she was unhappy. She said that she needed a break from us, and she needed space. She has asked me not to contact her, but I am going through waves of being ok for two minutes, to breaking down and bawling the next. We went from living together, talking 24/7, to her being cold and just cutting me off. We had one falling out briefly before at the beginning of June, but she was supportive of me and was constantly making sure I was ok by talking to my family and friends, we reconciled a week later and she said we had never broken up. This time is completely different, she has deleted pictures of me from every social medium, blocked and deleted me. My heart is broken because I feel as if the problems she is experiencing stem from her breakup that occurred before me, and being at an engagement party on the day she was supposed to get married just made everything that much worse. I'm struggling to give her space and not message her, but I miss her so terribly and just really want her back. I know that messaging her and begging is not going to do anything except push her further away, but it upsets me that she doesn't recognize how hard I'm trying to respect her wishes. I asked her if she would talk to me on Sunday, and she said she couldn't make any promises. I was trying to make a compromise and have a date that I could hold onto in order to get through this week, and it feels as if I don't even have that. I have been trying to pass my time and keep busy, but I'm not working right now due to health issues and have been struggling with anxiety and depression over this. I don't know how to give her space and still be able to function when the only thing I want to do is have her run back to me. Im worried that she won't ever talk to me again, or that she will forget about me and how wonderful our relationship was. I want to be the one to support her and help her through her personal growth while growing with her, but I think in her mind she thinks I'm just like her ex. What should I do?
That engagement party on the date of what was to be her marriage? Bad move to go to that!
It triggered her realization that she can't move forward with you.
I think you ought to move on.
Acrively pursue other thoughts and activities when the negatives threaten to infest your mind.
Eventually it won't hurt so much.
What happens then? You get a lot of carryover. Not to hurt you, but its possible that some of that intensity may have come from her projecting things onto you--leftover feelings for her partner, fears, etc. Whatever the timelines may be, and they're different for everyone, its important to try to bring just yourself into new relationships. We all have past experiences, but if the emotions of them are still impacting your thoughts/behaviors, you're not seeing the new person clearly, and you're not bringing your whole self to them either. I doubt its her intent, but imho to carryover disrespects the past relationship, yourself, and the next partner.
I can appreciate you feeling desperate for her to come back, but like jojored mentioned, imagine how you're feeling after a couple months. Now imagine years! If she's caught in the past she's not really her whole self anyways and it seems like right now she's driven by extreme emotions. That's not just bad for her, its not good for you either. If you care about her, you'll want her to be her best self, and respect her as she works through that (hopefully in a healthy way). Likewise if you care about yourself you'll want to be respected as a person who deserves their own unique relationship, too.
I was speaking someone to whom recently went through a similar experience. I’m afraid she hasn’t gone over her ex and she is projecting what the previous hurt is.
I will say to move on in this case. I know it must be difficult, but sometimes relationships moves so fast that the thought doesn’t go in as it gets complicating with emotional attachment.
Praying for you.