Its Over and and I cant move on because Im still blaming myself.

We were both drinking the night I was physically hurt so of course I blame myself. He had started throwing wild jealous accusations at me after months of peace. This is of course my fault also, because I stopped behaving one night a couple weeks ago while he was gone plowing snow. A male family friend who was also our neighbor had stopped by on four wheeler and we started having drinks. I was on the phone with him when our friend got there and told him who was there. This is not someone he had never met. This is a friend of my cousins who has gone on every vacation with my family and my boyfriend and I felt should in no way make him feel insecure. I ended up drinking too much (again, my fault) and didnt answer my phone for a couple of hours because I got sick and fell asleep.

This mistake has forever changed my life.
Because of ONE night after months of my staying at home and behaving, not seeing friends or family after 5pm, completely rearranging my schedule as to always take morning classes at the gym instead of night classes , just so I didnt have to deal with arguments, because of this one night I did not answer my phone between the hours of 6pm and 11pm, I was now, AGAIN, in his mind all of the following things: A whore, a cheater, a drunk, an uncaring selfish person, a person who ONLY cares about going to the gym, not raising a family, a person with no goals in life, a person who only cares about partying, a person who does not care about saving money and only wants to vacation, a person who does not want children.

And then I started to defend myself. Thats where I always lose myself. Thats where the line starts to blur. I need to be with him so I can prove Im not those things.
I still became angry. I said, And what if medically, I could not have children? Then how would you feel about me? I wanted to know what he would say. He snarled at me, You piece of shit liar. You;ve wasted my fucking time and jerked me around for years if that is true. Motherfucker, stupid bitch, liar and a whore. Youre nothing but a lying piece of shit.

I told him he didnt love me. How could someone react that way to the question I had asked? I can have children, I just wanted to know what he would say. I screamed at him to leave. I wanted him gone. He went outside and I locked him out.
He came to the door screaming at me to let him in so he could get his shit. I refused. He started to kick the door in. He kicked in the whole door frame knocking the whole trim board out of the wall and busted through. The trim board hit me in the face (in the morning, I would realize it gave me a black eye). He picked up the toaster oven and smashed it on the floor, glass flying everywhere. He stomped through the house as we were both screaming at one another and grabbed a box of his things on the floor. I was standing in the kitchen and we were still screaming at one another and somehow we began to get physical. I was drinking also so Im not sure exactly what happened, but as I recall he was trying to get past me and shoved me out of his way at which point I was pushed backwards onto our woodstove. I fell on top of the burning hot stove and then became stuck in-between the stove and our wood pile. I was screaming in pain and he had already left me there. I freed myself and crawled, screaming to my bed, and passed out, Im guessing from pain for three hours. When I woke up, I realized just how bad the burns were. My entire right side of my back and entire buttocks were covered in 2nd degree burns.

The past two months I have been slowly recovering. The pain was unbearable the first two weeks. The worst I have ever felt. I couldnt go to the gym; a place he is jealous of because I go everyday religiously. Its the ONE place that make me feel strong and I lost that.
He said he didnt remember shoving me and that he would have never have left if hed known what happened. But he was there. He saw me fall. He had shoved me and he left me. He says, hes not an abuser, that he had no choice, that was acting like a crazy person, that he was just trying to leave trying to get away from me. So it is my fault?

He was upset right after it happened because I told a friend what happened. Because now hell never live this down. I told him, my friends are just worried about me. His response, well, whos worried about me?.

Then another week later, when I was sleeping he went thru my phone and read all the messages to and from my friends hating on him and expressing concern for me since I was hurt so badly. He raged that I was just a shit talker and this was the proof he needed that he was on the wrong path with me and should have never moved in because no one in my life liked him. How dare my friends and I say those things about him"

The next day he started moving out. I was so upset but I knew it had to happen. The toxic drinking needed to end also. Even so, I was still holding on. I helped him move some things on several occasions, each time ending in horrific fights. One of these nights, I said to him, Thanks for letting me help you instead of having your family over because I was afraid I would become emotional in front of them. His response in turn was, yeah, I understand. I wouldnt want your stupid fucking brothers touching my things either. So of course that turned into a fight, because thats not what I had said or anything close to what I had said and hurt my feelings. I tried to explain that to him and he just kept saying, All you want to do is fight with me, when I feel like all I want to do is defend myself.

The next time I went over to his house, again, we fought horrifically from most of the night because I was finished letting him push me around. It was over and I was going to finally speak my truths to him whether he liked it or not. He said that night he, hated me, that he didnt know why he had missed me since I was a shitty person.

The next day he said we needed to block eachother on facebook and our phone numbers. My heart dropped and I felt like I was going to puke. I knew this was for the best but I also knew this was just a way to hurt me on purpose. I had always told him I was a person who needed closure in a breakup. He said, I wanted to be friends with you but youve ruined that. Youve left me no choice. You brought this on yourself with your actions last night. After I broke up with my ex, I didnt talk to her for four years, so.. He didnt block me that day because there were still a few things at my house but stated he would as soon as this nightmare was over.

The following Sunday he got the last of his things while I was at my parents. He messaged me that he had found out I had told his uncle about what had happened to me with the burns and how dare I talk shit. He said I had known what happened was an accident and was nothing but a liar and he wanted me to STAY AWAY FROM HIM and then he blocked me on everything.

That was 34 days ago. Almost a year to the day he blocked me last year claiming hed NEVER SPEAK TO ME AGAIN. At first I was devastated. I knew the relationship was over but I never wanted this horrific ending. Just like last year, I crave the closure. I crave a happy ending. He knows this and thats why hell never give it to me. Everyday gets better and Im trying to let go of the closure thing. I need to find it within myself. Its just so painful. I dont know how people can just walk away after 5 years like that, so angry and hateful. Im the one who was hurt. Im the one who should be angry. And yet, here I am, heart broken and hoping for an apology that probably will never come. Im here reeling in pain, scrutinizing every action I made, wishing there had been a different outcome.

He said this relationship MADE him that way, that he only lost control around me and didnt want to be around me anymore, that he couldnt be with someone who had the audacity to accuse him of being and abuser. At times, I hated him. I hated him so much and I wanted him gone and then he said he didnt want to be with me because I was the one creating the problem and then I wanted him to stay. It was so confusing.

I knew that relationship needed to end, but when he blamed me, I felt the rush of blood to my brain and begged him to stay. Why did I do that? Why did I want to prove myself to a man who obviously didnt care for me? Why do I still love him now? Could I have done things differently to get that nice ending?