Breakups & Divorce Support Group

Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.

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crystalicious 03/01/2017

I've never even worked up the courage to start my own thread up here, I've just been kind of lurking and commenting, trying to help others out if I can. But today, I really need some prayers, encouragement, advice... something.

My ex and I were together for 8 years. We both had our issues, we both made mistakes - I had trust and abandonment issues, he suffers from bipolar depression and has a hard time controlling his anger - but at the end of the day we loved each other and we kept trying. Things got really rocky at the end, he'd get mad and leave and tell me 'it's over', but he always came back within a week, and we just kept holding on, he promised we'd go to therapy, although we never did, but I honestly thought things were getting better with us. We were talking about the future again. He told me we'd be a family someday, and when we found out his sister was pregnant, he asked me to help him pick out gifts for "our" nephews. I thought we'd reached a turning point, I thought we were moving forward, I thought we were happy.

Then one night about two weeks after the "our nephews" thing, we had a discussion - it wasn't really even a fight, just a sort of heated discussion, and he screamed at me, called me an ugly name, and proceeded to tell me how he'd wanted to break up with me for a long time, but the only reason he had ever come back was because I made him feel guilty. He told me he should have broken up with me from the very beginning, he shouldn't have put up with my issues, that we hadn't made any progress. Then he turned tail and said "We have made progress, but it's not enough". He said several different things that contradicted each other, such as "I'm going to move on because I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life", but also "I want you to be the person I marry and have a family with". And once again, he drove off angry, telling me it was over. Only this time, he never came back, he never calmed down, he never apologized.

I tried calling and texting him in the first few weeks, but got no response. Finally, I gave up - you can't force someone to be with you if they don't want to be. But I felt and still feel really confused because, with all the contradictory things he said, I wasn't sure what was the *real* reason he was leaving, I wasn't sure how he really felt. Did he hate me? Could he just not do it anymore? To this day I don't know. I sent him a very long, apologetic letter after about 3 months. I apologized for everything I'd done wrong, I told him that I still loved him, and I begged him - "Even if you don't want to get back together, could you please just explain to me what happened? I thought we were getting better and you left and said so many different things. I just don't understand. Could you please just give me an answer so that I can have some closure?" I never got a response.

It's been 6 months, and I haven't heard even one word from him since the night he left here all angry. He went complete radio silence on me. Not even an "I'm sorry for the things I said to you", nothing. And then today I found out through the grapevine that he has a girlfriend. I feel so shocked and numb - I can't even *think* about moving on yet, I'm still dreaming of him almost every night and crying and praying that somehow, someway, he'll find his way back to me... how can he have already moved on, when 6 months ago "I want you to be the person I marry and have children with"? Those feelings can't have just disappeared. Or can they? Even if he didn't want to be with me anymore, how can he have moved on without at least putting things to rest between us? How can he be okay with leaving the way he did, leaving things SO bad between us? I know I'm not perfect and I made my mistakes, but I gave him 8 years of my life and I love him with all my heart. How can he not even take the time to explain this to me, but yet find the time to give someone else a chance? I just don't understand.

Any thoughts, advice, or recommendations for how to get over this and stop thinking about it would be greatly appreciated. It's been a really bad day. </3

crystalicious 03/01/2017

I meant to add this before submitting, but I forgot - I'm already in therapy and have been since he left. I've already reached out to my therapist so she knows what's going on. I just need some extra support today because my heart is breaking in a million pieces. I knew we had issues, but I really thought we were "it" for each other... I can't believe he's with someone else.

lily86 03/01/2017

I had abandonment issues until I realized it wasn't my fault and some things are out of my control. About closure, it's like happiness, either you find it within yourself or you spend your life trying to get it from others and failing every time. I'm going through a break up right now and I'm dealing with it so well that I am myself surprising. I still feel angry sometimes...and I even miss him every now and then...but my past relationships and the recent acknowledgement that having been abandoned is not my fault and totally out of my control has helped me a lot. It takes discipline to be happy. It's a daily struggle to let go of the feelings of guilt for putting yourself in the first place and not feeling guilty about it, to allow yourself to feel whatever negative emotions you feel without letting them to have the upper hand and to be focused enough to ask yourself (when you remember things you didn't like of your relationship) what do you really want? I'm not a relationship expert. I've made many mistakes but the moment I decided to be happy my life changed and my latest break up isn't affecting me that much because I chose to be happy a while ago.

J1144 03/01/2017

Hi, saying prayers for you! I have similar experience for 30+ years; when the mood swings, it can flip from love to rage within minutes. Well, I finally realized, with or without mental illness, love and hate coexist in all of us. Some choose to focus on love, some choose to be dictated by hate! Some cultivate love, some cook hate. The closure for you, I am guessing, is, yes, he loves you, but this is a person who does not have the ability to deal with/digest/overlook...hate in a positive manner. Therefore, if he does not develop the survival skill of positive thinking (forgive, forget, ...etc), his relationships will always end up broken, for hate/anger is a natural product of all relationships because no one is perfect.

Feel peace, crystalicious, close this chapter with love. Hugs!

heartbroken85 03/01/2017

I am in the same situation. I am so devastated, alone and confused. I don't understand it at all

crystalicious 03/05/2017

Thanks so much for your responses everyone. Heartbroken, I'm so sorry that you're going through this right now as well. Feel free to PM me if you need to talk.

I've been chatting with my therapist, we had sort of an 'emergency, unscheduled session' the other day when things got to be a bit too much. She's trying to help me see that my ex was abusive, and that nothing I did warranted his behavior. I'm having a hard time seeing that, because when I think of him, all I think of are the good times, but I know I could be just painting him with rose-colored glasses right now because I miss him. And I keep thinking back on all my mistakes in the relationship and kind of using them as excuses for why he treated me the way he did, even though my therapist says I shouldn't. I'm a work in progress, I guess.

Lily, I am working on getting to the "the abandonment is not my fault" stage with all the other cases of abandonment I've had to deal with, I'm just having a harder time dealing with it this time because I still can't believe it has happened. Of everyone in the world, I thought HE would be the one who would never just up and disappear like this, and it really has taken me by surprise. You're right that it's a daily struggle to not let the guilt and negative feelings take over - some days I win, some days they do. But overall I am working on trying to let it go and be happy on my own.

J1144, thank you so much. My therapist says that he did love me in his own way, but since she says he was abusive, she also says that abusive people don't really know how to love the way that other people do - they feel insecure and vulnerable over the person they love, so they lash out. I can kind of see how that's true, I just still can't believe it. I thought his love for me was so strong that it would overcome anything - I thought he was *that* person who'd be by my side forever, no matter what. I'm starting to see how wrong I was, and I just can't believe it.

careyon1 03/05/2017

So sad to hear you're going through this. This seems to be very common these days, guys just moving on and entering into new relationships so quickly. You're in good company but sadly not in a good situation. I agree with your therapist, it does sound like your relationship was no all peaches and cream like you seem to be remembering it. Maybe you should focus a bit more on the bad parts of your relationship. Since he has left several times, there were obviously bad parts. I know it hurts especially after 8 years but I believe no time is wasted. It's all in God's divine plan. Focus on the lessons you're taking away from this relationship. Think of how much stronger and wiser you will be in your next relationship. Keep hope in the fact that there will be another, better relationship for you one day. Continue to pray. God may put more on us than we think we can bear, but trust it's not more than He can bear. Turn to Him and He will help you through this and usher you into the next wonderful chapter of your life. And eventually you will need to forgive him in order to get peace within yourself. It's his loss, not yours.

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