I'm not quite sure what I'm hoping to accomplish by posting this. Maybe comments from people who have been in this situation and have come through it stronger. Because, right now I'm not sure how or if I will ever be over this. I have so many beautiful friends who have really stood by me this last few weeks. I am so grateful for them. And that makes me almost feel worse that I have so many people in my corner - and the main person I need in my corner (ME) can't seem to get there.
I came on this site a few years ago requesting help for my relationship with my alcholic boyfriend. I loved and still love him like the kind of love you see in the movies and in fairy tales. I never thought I'd have that. So, I was so thankful for us to have found each other. But, the alcohol made things so hard. After living with him and his alcohol for 6 years, he left and moved in with his son because he couldn't deal with my parents who lived next door anymore. I can't begin to explain the freedom I felt when he left. I thought it was my chance to get my act and life back together and go on living FOR ME and my daughter - not for him. That was seven months ago. And although he left, he still considered we were together. We spoke every day but I avoided him as much as possible - just not wanting to be around the alcohol anymore. We would still go out to dinner and movies and tell each other we loved each other, but I thought my heart wasn't in it anymore. So after those months of not getting as much attention as he needed from me AND after me telling him twice to move on and find someone else, he did. He found someone. And what did I do? I have literally broken down. I truly believe I've had a nervous breakdown. He and I have talked and talked about this and we both sat and cried together for about 4 hours. After hearing my begging and crying that I didn't want us to be over - he became confused and had no clue what to do. I know he loves me too. But, in the end he chose her - even though he admits as of right now it's just lust he feels for her. I could ramble here about some of the things he has told me about her and you would also see that she is CRAZY and this will probably not work. Not sure if it will end in a month or a few years though. Who knows? His last text to me was, "If this don't work, I've just made the biggest mistake of my life. I'm sorry." and my last text back said, "No, even if it does work out, you still just made the biggest mistake of your life." And that is the last time we spoke which was 5 days ago - the longest we've gone in 7 years not talking to each other. I know he's wrapped up right now in his new little toy - but considering how many times he has cried to me wanting me to remain "his best friend", I think he's probably missing me a little - just not enough. I have so many fears right now. I'm afraid he will never see the mistake he made and will never reach out to me again. And another part of me is scared he WILL. I'm scared I won't ever get out of this emotional roller coaster I'm riding right now - crying at the drop of a hat. I'm scared I'll never find that kind of love we had ever again. I'm also scared that I won't ever find me - just like the 7 months he was gone I didn't like I'd hoped. I've prayed and I've prayed. I've read inspiration quotes. I've even gone out drinking - hoping to forget about it for awhile. Nothing helps. Well, if anyone out there read all of this - I thank you so much for your time!