Breakups & Divorce Support Group

Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.

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Beauty4Ashes1 10/17/2014

Hello again. This is an update to my first post about breaking up with my commitment phobe. So ever since dumping him 2 days ago, he relentlessly blew up my phone. His text messages showed incredible heartbrokeness. I felt bad but I eventually replied and flew off the handle. I gave him every piece of my mind about how he had continuously set me up and broke me down everytine we had plans to take our relationship deeper. When I painted the clearest picture of what he had done, he finally got it! He is still apologizing profusely and said he thought he was just doing what was best for us by halting plans for him to move in and stuff and he didn't realize he wasn't loving me the way I needed to be loved. Ladies, I didn't leave him to teach him a lesson or to get him to change. It was one of the most painful things I'd ever had to do but I knew I had to love myself enough to not let anyone string me along and control me and what was supposed to be "our" relationship. I'd been patient enough. To my surprise though, he now realized how much his own fear caused him to take over the control. He is still absolutely terrified, but he decided to move in with me finally this weekend. He starts bringing his things tonight. He admitted a lot of things about his fear and showed incredible vulnerability...he just couldn't risk losing me. I'm still in a bit of shock that things worked out. I was all prepared to move on, but I'm glad we can work things out. Thanks for listening and I hope this can help someone out there to stand up for themselves because you deserve it. Even if your guy doesn't wake up, you have to do what's best for you.

melissa87 10/17/2014

I truly, truly hope things do work out the way you want them to. I, too, had a commitment phobe. I left him because it wasn't working for me and he had the same reaction. He did a 180 and fought for the relationship, put a lot of effort into it and actually fully committed. That lasted for about 3 months and he just disappeared. That was 3 months ago (I did talk to him 5 days after he disappeared and a few times afterward but in the long run he couldn't do permanent) and it still haunts me. I don't understand how someone could fight so hard for the relationship and put so much effort into it then just walk away.
I truly, truly hope that you have a different outcome but if he's a true commitment phobe, there's a chance that when he starts seeing that this could be permanent, he will panic and pull away again.
Good luck and I wish you the best.

AgentSmith 10/17/2014

I am happy that he fought to win you back, that's a good sign. But realize that these fears are soooooo deeply embedded in his subconscious that just becoming aware of it is not going to fix it overnight. That's not to say it's not fixable, but it will take a LOT of work. A lot of men seek therapy for commitment phobia (fear of intimacy) and it CAN be overcome.

If he is willing, I would suggest you both read He's Scared, She's Scared to get a better understanding of his fears and where they're coming from. Then, there is a follow up book by the same authors which is about overcoming commitment phobia. It has good reviews on amazon and I was planning on buying it if I ever got that far with my CP but he hasn't even read the first one (despite repeated promises).

This is going to take serious work! Remember these guys are great for awhile, then flake out again. That is a deeply rooted pattern that will only continue unless serious work is done. And I'm willing to bet that him moving in is going to trigger his fears greatly.

Also, studies have shown that anxiety medication can help alleviate some of the anxiety brought on by these fears.

I hope he sticks with it. Good luck.

AgentSmith 10/17/2014

These guys have a primary fear of intimacy but a secondary fear of abandonment. So right now he is acting on his fear of abandonment. Once he realizes he has you again, his primary fear of intimacy will kick back in.

gem111 10/17/2014

I really hope this works out for you. Please be aware that in order to get you back, your boyfriend is textbook with his attempt to win you back. He gave you all the lip service he needed too for you to stay. Please journal all that has happened, as well as all his promises, in the future, I think it would be helpful.
Lip service is NOT the same as living those changes and I do hope he can stick with all of his promises.
Good luck

yougospam 10/17/2014

It's nice to hear some success stories on here for a change! I wish you happiness, joy, love and peace. I like, the others do worry that he will revert to his old ways, have been living this very thing for several years. I don't know if I could ever not worry about their leaving when things got tough. I hope for your sake that he will follow thru on everything he has promised you and be the man that you fell in love with and yes, I might add that I am a tad bit jealous that yours is willing to make contact and make it work, that is huge and definately a good sign! I am very happy for you.

Beauty4Ashes1 10/17/2014

Thanks for all the well wishes and support everyone. I do understand that my bf is reacting to being hurt that I left and that this is lip service which actions have to follow, but I'm not sure how edeeply embedded his fears are. There's a lot to our story so some of his concerns are genuine. I also know some of his exes and he hasn't always been this way. In every other way he has been committed...he has NEVER EVER disappeared or not called in the 2+ yrs we've been together. He practically was living at my house since he'd be here about 5-6 days a week. He just hit the breaks every time it came to him actually giving up his apartment which really made no sense for him to keep paying rent for. He has been helping me with mine as well so it's just like, really dude? Anyway, we did speak about how this is going to take time to get through and he actually suggested therapy so let's see ladies. In the mean time, I'm basking in my newly found boundaries. At the end of the day, I trust myself to do what I have to do for me come what may.

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