Please don't tell him w/o having someone else (like a strong male adult) w/you.

If I remember correctly he is an alcoholic and he's not doing anything to remedy that. He's proving that by sticking his head in the sand about the certified letter. Depending on what condition he is in if and when you tell him, things could turn nasty and I would be concerned for your safety.

Please do whatever it takes to take care of you & your kids to keep you safe and out of harm's way. (harm = not just physical violence, but also mental, emotional and spiritual)

~healing hugs~

Be gentle too. Let him down easy. Drinking is a disease not a habit. Studies have shown some people develop a chemical addiction to it. In other words, their own bodies won't let them stop drinking. I would have some sympathy for him. People like that - that have the genetic flaw - need to be in rehab. Its an awful thing for them. But i know how you feel. Only so much you can take of that stuff. Rehab is the only antidote and if they don't want to go in for it, no way to force them really. The only time their forced is if they have trouble with the law and they find out he/she is a chronic drinker who breaks the law while doing it. Wish you the best of luck, hope everything works out for everybody involved. Like a said its a disease, so i feel for him and you. It sucks.

willow, I encourage you to do what you know you must do in order to keep you and your children safe and in a toxic-free environment. The longer you all are exposed to his addiction and toxic behavior, the more damage will be done to you and the kids.

And, while I respect ThingsiExplore's compassion for your husband and I certainly don't advocate being cruel to him, I think the most critical thing here is for you to know a few things so you can decide for yourself.

1. When an addict of any kind is abusive AND threatens suicide in front of the kids, his behavior is abusive and mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physical dangerous. Just because he is an addict and therefore has a dis-ease, his behavior is still not excusable.

2. Excusing or continuing to accept that behavior is actually enabling his addiction. Just staying is enabling him, even if you continue to tell him it's not ok. I learned this the hard way both personally and professionally.

3. This is a BIG ONE! Staying teaches the kids that its ok to drink AND even worse, that it's ok to abuse and be abused. This is how the cycle of abuse is continued. And it is somewhat the same w/the cycle of addiction.

4. Let me re-emphasize parts of #s 2 & 3: A big part of addiction is about denial which leads to the lack of accountability and the addict taking responsibility for their actions. By blaming the substance we truly are enabling them to continue to use and behave in hurtful ways.

5. Yes addiction is a dis-ease. BUT if he had cancer, he would be banging down the dr's door wanting treatment. He's not doing that. It usually takes hitting rock bottom before they will take steps to help themselves (which shows they are capable of making that decision).

6. Re #5: Do NOT assume that your leaving will help him to change his mind. It may not be enough. Please focus only on making sure you and your kids are safe and healthy.

7. When dealing w/an addict and/or abuser, if they detect any softness or compassion, they will see it as a weakness and use it to their advantage. So please be firm and assertive. And don't give in because you feel sorry for him. THAT's exactly what he wants.

8. No matter what you do or say OR don't do or don't say, the abusive addict will find fault w/it. So....

Please do what YOU KNOW is RIGHT for you and your children. They're depending on you.

~healing hugs~

It is this exact reason why court papers should always be served to the respondent by a process server. What a process server does is kind of like being a private investigator who is pretty much 100% guaranteed to get your court papers delivered to him successfully. You give the process server information about where the different places he'll be, and he or she will get it done. Imageine the respondent walking out to his car in the morning, and then someone comes up to him and hands him the court papers, and says "You have been served", and walks away. It's that easy.

Thank you all for the responses. Yesterday morning, he got a cup of coffee and came and sat next to me and said "I wonder what that letter at the post office is about". I responded by saying I already knew. I looked him dead in the eyes and said "I filed for divorce". I explained to him that I have no intention of screwing him over or being unfair and that I will not take his children from him but that I can't deal with the abuse any more and that, since he does not want to change the behavior, I had to do this. I told him I have tried everything else I could think of from begging to marriage counseling to calling the police and I got no where and this was the only route I have left. He wanted to know if we could try a trial separation and I told him that was not an option.
He was surprisingly calm and last night he was very quiet and stayed away from me. I heard him on the phone with his brother saying something about being homeless and my heart nearly broke. I do love him and I always will but he is teaching my boys it is ok to treat a woman the way he treats me and he is teaching our daughter it is ok to be treated this way and it is not. He needs help and it is a help I can no longer give him.
While my heart breaks for him because I know this is a disease and I know we are his world, the behavior needs to stop now. If not for the kids and I, for him and for his future. He is killing himself and I think he is doing it on purpose!

It is not or job to help others fight their own demons or get their act right. You love him? - it's okay to love people from a distance. If you are going to make a change in your life, you are gonna have to be determined and not allow feelings to control the situation. It's okay to feel like your hearth is breaking but that too shall pass. Hang in there.

Willow, I am proud of you for telling him about the divorce when the opportunity came, that took a lot of guts! I hope he is able to realize that you mean business and that he has the courage to admit his disease and take steps to get the help he needs. Tough love, sometimes that is all we have left to break the cycle. Good luck in the coming days and weeks.