Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
Hello all... I'm sorry if this is too long.
Two weeks ago, my partner of 5 years broke up with me. While it was ultimately his decision, I understand it and most of me knows it's for the best. We need different things, and I think that he tried hard for a long time to want the things that I want for the future, but in the end he just couldn't. His growing guilt about his feelings made the past 7 months very awkward and unstable. I felt inadequate (he insists he's the inadequate one, but so it goes), and my self esteem took a huge hit. He felt it would only get more difficult, and so the breakup finally occurred.
We live together, and it's been a hard two weeks. He's recently found a new place, and will be moving out next weekend (a week from Saturday). Most of the things in our bedroom are his, and I'm dreading coming home to the empty room - I've already ordered a new bed and have planned how to refill the room, but I know I'll break down just the same. We're best friends, and the thought of losing this important relationship from my life is absolutely crippling.
All things considered, I know that I'm lucky. We live with a third roommate who has been great support. I have good friends, and my very patient mother has fielded all of my calls, most of which are spent simply crying. I have a great support system, it's not a contentious breakup, I can know that we still love each other and that we both want to be in each other's lives in the future. But still, I'm just devastated. I always knew this was a possibility, but I hoped we would make it. It feels like there's a gaping hole in my chest that will never heal. I can't focus, I hardly eat, I'm constantly crying (including at work, which is embarrassing). Every time we're both in the apartment we end up talking, and both crying. Then we watch TV and things feel so normal, which is just as bad. Knowing that as soon as he moves out we will go No Contact for a time is causing huge anxiety.
I can't stop the racing thoughts... huge anxiety about him moving on, about the awkward initial meetings once I'm ready to reconnect, how long it will take for me to be ready to be friends, about how to cope with all of this change. Because the roommate and I can't afford our apartment just the two of us, we'll have to move at the end of January, which is stressful and expensive.
Everyone tells me that time will help everything, and I know it must be true, but I'm in that place where I can't even imagine the pain subsiding. I wake up in the morning with immediate panic and pain. I spend all day grieving this loss. I miss him so much already.
If anyone has any words of support or suggestions on what has helped you through those first few months, I'd love to hear of it. I'm so lost, and I don't know what to do.
Two weeks ago, my partner of 5 years broke up with me. While it was ultimately his decision, I understand it and most of me knows it's for the best. We need different things, and I think that he tried hard for a long time to want the things that I want for the future, but in the end he just couldn't. His growing guilt about his feelings made the past 7 months very awkward and unstable. I felt inadequate (he insists he's the inadequate one, but so it goes), and my self esteem took a huge hit. He felt it would only get more difficult, and so the breakup finally occurred.
We live together, and it's been a hard two weeks. He's recently found a new place, and will be moving out next weekend (a week from Saturday). Most of the things in our bedroom are his, and I'm dreading coming home to the empty room - I've already ordered a new bed and have planned how to refill the room, but I know I'll break down just the same. We're best friends, and the thought of losing this important relationship from my life is absolutely crippling.
All things considered, I know that I'm lucky. We live with a third roommate who has been great support. I have good friends, and my very patient mother has fielded all of my calls, most of which are spent simply crying. I have a great support system, it's not a contentious breakup, I can know that we still love each other and that we both want to be in each other's lives in the future. But still, I'm just devastated. I always knew this was a possibility, but I hoped we would make it. It feels like there's a gaping hole in my chest that will never heal. I can't focus, I hardly eat, I'm constantly crying (including at work, which is embarrassing). Every time we're both in the apartment we end up talking, and both crying. Then we watch TV and things feel so normal, which is just as bad. Knowing that as soon as he moves out we will go No Contact for a time is causing huge anxiety.
I can't stop the racing thoughts... huge anxiety about him moving on, about the awkward initial meetings once I'm ready to reconnect, how long it will take for me to be ready to be friends, about how to cope with all of this change. Because the roommate and I can't afford our apartment just the two of us, we'll have to move at the end of January, which is stressful and expensive.
Everyone tells me that time will help everything, and I know it must be true, but I'm in that place where I can't even imagine the pain subsiding. I wake up in the morning with immediate panic and pain. I spend all day grieving this loss. I miss him so much already.
If anyone has any words of support or suggestions on what has helped you through those first few months, I'd love to hear of it. I'm so lost, and I don't know what to do.
Keep in mind that the one thing that humans excel at is adaptation. People have managed to adapt to some of the most extreme circumstances, emotionally or physically. All of us face losses that seem impossible to bear at some point in our lives. Maybe you have experienced other situations that you thought were insurmountable and you came through it. You will adapt to this, I promise you.
The one thing you can't do is rush ahead and sort everything out in advance. It is going to be minute-by-minute and day-by-day. Don't be surprised if some days you feel very upbeat and optimistic and then the next day crash into the pain again. I think most people find that it really is like a roller-coaster ride but, in time, the highs and the lows become less pronounced. But there is no shortcut around - the only path is through it.
For me, it feels like swimming in the ocean and being caught by a riptide. The more I fight and resist, the worse it is. If I just take a breath and relax, giving into the feelings, I can ride them out and find myself in a more peaceful place in a while.
Be ever so kind to yourself. Believe in your innate goodness. Seek out any spark of resilience in yourself and blow on that spark to make it glow. Accept with gratitude the support of those who love you. Trust that you will learn through this and that, with the right attitude, it will make you a more compassionate person.
Oh, and be on the lookout for even the tiniest opportunity to smile, laugh or feel good that crosses your path and wring every bit of juice out of it. Apply every one of those moments to your heart like a balm; it does help.
I wish you all the best, Sara; hang in there!
Truly, I have no helpful advice. I very much want to fast forward a year from now and skip the heartache, but I know that I won't be who I am a year from now without feeling all of these feelings. There is something that can be learned from every situation. Sometimes it is good to change things up - maybe start applying for different jobs, eat at a restaurant you've never eaten at before, listen to music you've never listened to, or travel if you can afford it. I'm spending the next two months working like crazy because I have absolutely nothing else to do with my time now that I'm on my own. Then, I am spending the first 6 months of 2015 traveling. It's good to have something to look forward to.
Always here if you need to talk :)
If you are finding that you are not progressing, seek counseling. Block him on social media and go entirely NC. NC saved me.
You have to push through this because is the only choice you have. The time spent sad and dwelling is time you will not get back and trust me, he's ready to move out and will be happy. You have to seek YOUR own happiness. Our joy isn't tide to one person, it's inside of US. YOU must find contentment in your solitude and build yourself up to where you are WHOLE without another person. I know it's easier said than done but you can do it.
Best wishes
It feels horrible so horrible like your entire world just crumbles before you eyes. I'm sooo glad to hear that you have a loving and helpful support network around you of friends and family. That truly makes all the difference in the world. My mother came and stayed with me for three weeks when I was really bad because I was affraid to be alone....
I'm five weeks out now. I must say that the first few weeks were really hard for me. For me the times that were hardest were down time.....like at work I was busy and somewhat distracted by work (although like you I would just randomly burst into tears and my face was always red and puffy from crying which was embarassing)
But when I would get home and be alone in my apartment and at night...before going to sleep and also in the mornings waking up alone. those were and still are the hardest times for me.
Advice: keep busy. fill your days up with tons and tons of things to do as a distraction. It works. make plans with friends for breakfast, lunch, and dinner if you have to. Make plans to just go to a coffee shop to be around other people. Join something new like a sport team or something to keep active. This distraction was the only thing that kept me together enough to get through this first month of breakup.
more advice: seek therapy. I have been going to a therapist two times a week for the past five weeks. it fills the down time and its such a relief to know that there is someone to tell every single thing that pops in my brain about this breakup. someone who isn't biased who gives advice and who will just listen. Its a huge help.
Even more advice: do the no contact thing.... even if you hope to get back together maybe at some point in the future, you must do no contact for a period of time to reset and to heal yourselves. its really for both of you! Good luck and if you ever need someone to talk to i'm here for you. I does get better with time and space I promise *hugs*