Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
Hi all. I'm having a tough time and didn't really know where to turn. I'd appreciate any thoughts and feedbacks. I'm not good with people who bash me or my husband, so please don't go that route. I obviously know things aren't ideal.
Four years ago, I discovered my husband was having an emotional affair with a woman at work whom I was good friends with also. I had checked his email after he hid his screen from me that day. We went to counseling and brought a lot of issues to the table, such as the distance that my brother's death (suicide) and my mom's death (cancer) had caused between us, as well as the stress of raising two little ones, juggling jobs, etc. The following months were filled with a lot of ups and downs, and I eventually couldn't live with the roller coaster and asked for a separation. He moved out.
As we were co-parenting, we still had a lot of contact and eventually we seemed to be moving toward a better relationship. I took a leap of faith and moved to a new city with him (my hometown, so I have plenty of support here). Not long after we moved here, he left his email up and I discovered that not only was he in touch with OW, they had escalated to a physical relationship and were declaring how much they loved each other. At this point I said we needed to resume counseling or divorce. We went to counseling and it was not especially fruitful, largely because I had the sense he was doing it merely to say he had so that when he bailed, he could play the "I tried" card.
So we separated again, but continued to co-parent. Eventually I said the uncertainty of separation was too much and I wanted to make this a more formal arrangement. He bought a house and we planned to talk to his individual therapist (who specializes in working with kids) about how to talk to our girls, how to divide custody, that sort of thing.
In the meantime, it felt like with the pressure finally off to save our marriage, we started to really click. OW was out of the picture at this point, and he would stay at my house until the girls had fallen to sleep and we would spend a lot of time talking and laughing, and I thought that maybe I could find a way to be happy with the positive changes in our relationship as well as a new future.
Except that the future felt so awful to me. I'm sure most of you can relate to the utter devotion I feel to my kids. When I would walk by their rooms at night and imagine the day coming when they weren't there because they were at my husband's, I felt physically ill. Imagining missing out on half their lives was so traumatizing that I thought about suicide (although having witnessed how devastating my brother's death was, I don't believe that will ever be a viable option).
When my husband confessed that he was having second thoughts and struggling with telling the girls, I said I felt the same way and suggested we take some time and let our emotions guide us. That was about two months ago. Since then, he has emailed me every night, shoveled my driveway after every storm (and there have been a lot), turned to me for advice about work and supported some large decisions I have made. We have also spent a lot of time as a family and just had a really enjoyable time.
So a few days ago I told him that I had taken time to think about everything, and I wanted to pursue a relationship with him. I told him that if he wanted to just be co-parents who were good friends, that was fine, but we needed to make some changes in our lives that reflected that. He said no, he wanted to move forward, too, but that his feelings had evolved to "best friends" and he wasn't sure how to move them to intimacy. I said I felt the same way and we agreed to work on it together. That night I was lying around with one of my girls and felt so content about the direction everything was heading.
Well, three days later, he got a phone call and left his computer open, so I checked his email. Frankly, I wish I'd just asked him about OW, but I feared he wouldn't be honest with me. Sure enough, they were back in touch and pouring their hearts out to each other and telling each other how much they loved each other ("I love you so much," each message said).
When I confronted him, he said that he had been trying to end it and he meant what he said to me about wanting to build a relationship with me. Then he got angry that I had checked his email. I apologized but stressed the bigger issue was what he had done.
This was two days ago, and the time since has been very tense and stressful. I have cried a lot and eat and slept little. Just really torn about all this and what it means for the future. It wasn't even a week ago that I felt so good about the direction we were headed. And now I am having a hard time picturing it ever working out, for the following reasons:
- It hurts a lot to know he was lying to and deceiving me for however long he and the OW have been back in touch. The letters referenced a recent get-together, and he definitely lied to me about his whereabouts that day. While I do feel to some extent our relationship was undefined and he had some right to do as he wished with other women, knowing he was so dishonest YET AGAIN is a huge hurdle for me.
- I have a hard time feeling like I can get enthused about a building a relationship with him when he'll have just broken off one in which he claimed to love the other woman so much. Not only that, but he has turned to this woman time and again when he could have been building our relationship.I just feel like she'll forever cast a long shadow over our relationship.
- I resent the way he is nursing a grudge over my reading his email. I have tried to be rational and let him be entitled to his anger, but still, I treated him better in the face of the original discovery of his infidelity than he has treated me the past few days. I get that when he's angry, he has a hard time verbalizing things and he really doesn't know what to say. That doesn't exempt him from basic kindness.
He left the house when I got home from work last night, so it was just me and my girls. And we had so much fun and laughed a lot. I started to wonder if a life with just the three of us was the way to go. Then I imagine being alone on the nights they're over at their father's, having that kind of fun with him. At this point in my life, I just can't imagine being a part-time mom.
Maybe all this will be a moot point because he'll push for an end to things anyway. I don't know. Like I said, I'm really having a tough time. Thanks a lot for reading.
Four years ago, I discovered my husband was having an emotional affair with a woman at work whom I was good friends with also. I had checked his email after he hid his screen from me that day. We went to counseling and brought a lot of issues to the table, such as the distance that my brother's death (suicide) and my mom's death (cancer) had caused between us, as well as the stress of raising two little ones, juggling jobs, etc. The following months were filled with a lot of ups and downs, and I eventually couldn't live with the roller coaster and asked for a separation. He moved out.
As we were co-parenting, we still had a lot of contact and eventually we seemed to be moving toward a better relationship. I took a leap of faith and moved to a new city with him (my hometown, so I have plenty of support here). Not long after we moved here, he left his email up and I discovered that not only was he in touch with OW, they had escalated to a physical relationship and were declaring how much they loved each other. At this point I said we needed to resume counseling or divorce. We went to counseling and it was not especially fruitful, largely because I had the sense he was doing it merely to say he had so that when he bailed, he could play the "I tried" card.
So we separated again, but continued to co-parent. Eventually I said the uncertainty of separation was too much and I wanted to make this a more formal arrangement. He bought a house and we planned to talk to his individual therapist (who specializes in working with kids) about how to talk to our girls, how to divide custody, that sort of thing.
In the meantime, it felt like with the pressure finally off to save our marriage, we started to really click. OW was out of the picture at this point, and he would stay at my house until the girls had fallen to sleep and we would spend a lot of time talking and laughing, and I thought that maybe I could find a way to be happy with the positive changes in our relationship as well as a new future.
Except that the future felt so awful to me. I'm sure most of you can relate to the utter devotion I feel to my kids. When I would walk by their rooms at night and imagine the day coming when they weren't there because they were at my husband's, I felt physically ill. Imagining missing out on half their lives was so traumatizing that I thought about suicide (although having witnessed how devastating my brother's death was, I don't believe that will ever be a viable option).
When my husband confessed that he was having second thoughts and struggling with telling the girls, I said I felt the same way and suggested we take some time and let our emotions guide us. That was about two months ago. Since then, he has emailed me every night, shoveled my driveway after every storm (and there have been a lot), turned to me for advice about work and supported some large decisions I have made. We have also spent a lot of time as a family and just had a really enjoyable time.
So a few days ago I told him that I had taken time to think about everything, and I wanted to pursue a relationship with him. I told him that if he wanted to just be co-parents who were good friends, that was fine, but we needed to make some changes in our lives that reflected that. He said no, he wanted to move forward, too, but that his feelings had evolved to "best friends" and he wasn't sure how to move them to intimacy. I said I felt the same way and we agreed to work on it together. That night I was lying around with one of my girls and felt so content about the direction everything was heading.
Well, three days later, he got a phone call and left his computer open, so I checked his email. Frankly, I wish I'd just asked him about OW, but I feared he wouldn't be honest with me. Sure enough, they were back in touch and pouring their hearts out to each other and telling each other how much they loved each other ("I love you so much," each message said).
When I confronted him, he said that he had been trying to end it and he meant what he said to me about wanting to build a relationship with me. Then he got angry that I had checked his email. I apologized but stressed the bigger issue was what he had done.
This was two days ago, and the time since has been very tense and stressful. I have cried a lot and eat and slept little. Just really torn about all this and what it means for the future. It wasn't even a week ago that I felt so good about the direction we were headed. And now I am having a hard time picturing it ever working out, for the following reasons:
- It hurts a lot to know he was lying to and deceiving me for however long he and the OW have been back in touch. The letters referenced a recent get-together, and he definitely lied to me about his whereabouts that day. While I do feel to some extent our relationship was undefined and he had some right to do as he wished with other women, knowing he was so dishonest YET AGAIN is a huge hurdle for me.
- I have a hard time feeling like I can get enthused about a building a relationship with him when he'll have just broken off one in which he claimed to love the other woman so much. Not only that, but he has turned to this woman time and again when he could have been building our relationship.I just feel like she'll forever cast a long shadow over our relationship.
- I resent the way he is nursing a grudge over my reading his email. I have tried to be rational and let him be entitled to his anger, but still, I treated him better in the face of the original discovery of his infidelity than he has treated me the past few days. I get that when he's angry, he has a hard time verbalizing things and he really doesn't know what to say. That doesn't exempt him from basic kindness.
He left the house when I got home from work last night, so it was just me and my girls. And we had so much fun and laughed a lot. I started to wonder if a life with just the three of us was the way to go. Then I imagine being alone on the nights they're over at their father's, having that kind of fun with him. At this point in my life, I just can't imagine being a part-time mom.
Maybe all this will be a moot point because he'll push for an end to things anyway. I don't know. Like I said, I'm really having a tough time. Thanks a lot for reading.
lfields
six months ago I didn't think it would ever get better. But it has. I still cry sometime., not every day like I used to. I salute all the women with kids that are going though this.
broken234
My husband has been involved with an OW as well so I understand your pain over the situation. He too told me it was over, only to find out that they were still talking and still connecting with each other. I think you have to ask yourself whether or not you can ever regain trust with this man. I am struggling with that myself. One day my husband wants to work on our marriage, the next he doesn't. I want to give it my all in this marriage and try my very best to make it work but sometimes you can't do it alone. He really has to be committed as well. Continuing to connect with the OW is hurtful to you and only undermines your ability to trust him completely. Without trust, your relationship won't work out in the long term anyway. Things were really tough for me a few weeks ago, anxiety, weight loss, depression, crying, body trembling etc. You name it I probably experienced it. It does get better. I still have some bad days, but everyday is getting better. Try to give yourself some time so that you can make a decision from a clearer place. About a month ago I was entertaining all sorts of ways that I could be back with my husband. Crazy ideas that would have allowed him to still be with the OW. Like I said CRAZY!!! Some time gave me clarity and I see just how desperate I was. I found a website lovesagame.com that even though is about not taking your ex back, it gives a different perspective to see your situation from. I still want my marriage to work, but I understand now that I am not the only one that has to make that happen. Hang in there and no matter what you choose, we are all here to support you.
mariel83
Four years ago, my ex had also an emotional affair. He would deny it or give an excuse whenever I feel it that he was hiding something. I think this was a test of trust for us. Could I trust him not to cheat or could I trust him to tell me the truth when I ask him? Those two questions were the start of the breakdown of our marriage. I could not trust him at one point. There were so many lies that I literally jumped out of bed to confront him in the middle of the night and even demanded to check his laptop. It was horrible, it made me crazy. We decided to have some distance but this only worsened things. Once trust is damaged it is irreparable. We grew apart eventually and went through a bitter divorce with lots of accusations reflecting all the distrust we have for each other. All I can say is, I think trust is rather the oxygen in a marriage. When trust is broken, it can be repaired when both are committed to do so. I feel with you and your family. I know the repercussions of not able to fix your marriage is hugely devastating especially to your children. I hope you and your husband will be able to make the best decision.
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